Friday, January 29, 2010

I've also been told my poop smells like roses

Since I've already taken a giant oh my gah life is awesome poop and rubbed a little bit of it in your face, I thought I'd be a little discreet for once in my life do it again, because my life is so boring I have nothing else to talk about just because.

SWEET JEEBUS I AM SO EXCITED TO BOARD THAT CRUISE SHIP.

And to really get your faces deep down in there, I thought I'd tell you a little bit more about it, because I don't know about you, but it's really cold here in Massachusetts, and I bet nothing will cheer you up more than hearing about how warm I'm going to be.

I'll be departing for FRIENDLY PLANET TRAVEL'S IBERIAN COASTS CRUISE on Feb. 10, when the good, good, gah bless their souls people of Friendly Planet Travel fly me and my husband to Milan. You know, that place in Italy? With, like, fashion and shit? Anyway, that's just what I've heard.

Then, we're going to pop on over to Genoa, and I don't know about you, but when I hear Genoa, I think SALAMI. From salami Genoa, we board our cruise ship and embark for Marseilles, France. And moi could not be more excited for that bottle or three of wine. Or, as they say in France, le bottle of wine.

The next morning, we wake up in Barcelona, and if you took Sophomore year Spanish with Senorita Manuel, you know that true Barcelonians pronounce that Bar-THE-lona. Go ahead, say it out loud. Embrace your inner lisp. Anyway, Barcelona, described as "Spain's most flamboyant city," I can only assume, is FAAAAABULOUSSS.

From there, it's off to the beaches of Alicante, which, I'm willing to bet, are the exact opposite of the snowbanks of Massachusetts. Then to Gibraltar! Which I always thought was just a rock. I'm absorbing so much culture and knowledge already!

Then, we'll be spending an afternoon in Tangier Morocco, followed by an entire day in Casablanca AND OH MY GAH CASABLANCA! This day, I assume, will be spent seeing how many lines from "Casablanca" I can casually slip into conversation without getting slapped. And I have a feeling, once I experience that city, it would take a miracle to get me out of Casablanca, and the Germans have outlawed miracles. BOOM THAT'S ONE.

The next morning, B and I will be exploring Malaga, Spain and all those pesky beaches and palm tree-lined streets and ancient cathedrals and, I'm willing to bet, some sweet, sweet wine and delicious tapas. Later, rinse, repeat.

All of this adventure and world culture is washed down with a day at sea as we head back to Italy and a final night in salami Genoa before being shipped back to the states like nicely suntanned, wonderfully relaxed, totally in love little puppies that may or may not have just spent the past 10 days puking over the side of a giant boat.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wednesday's Song of the Week

Where can a girl get herself some of that red glitter lipstick?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

If the world ends before I'm done with it, I'm going to be so pissed

My friend Jordan often works from home. By "working," I assume he means combing through YouTube for amusing videos and Googling his own name at different times throughout the day. Naturally, he is a fantastic source for blog fodder.

As such, some of the most recent conversations we've had have centered around tye-dying your lady parts and its relation to anal bleaching, God's aversion to shellfish (and all the wonderful new slogans it's given me for my next protest), and nerds. As you might imagine, with so many fascinating topics floating around the interwebs, we often have a lot of shit talking to do.

This most recent topic though, nerds, or, more specifically, the nerds who are going to destroy the world, has been floating around in my head a bit over the past few days. Remember that giant particle collider thing those European scientists were fiddling with a few years ago as some kind of physics experiment? Personally, I'd prefer if the scientists kept their experimentations to the 6th grade science fair level, like solving pressing problems such as are dogs right or left handed? And NOT spend their time poking around with things that could potentially blow a hole in the universe. But that's just me, science was never my strong suit.

Anyway, they're fiddling again (which you can read about in this New York Times essay), and apparently THE FUTURE is trying to stop them. I'm not one to buy in to mass hysteria, but I do NOT get a good feeling from this. How often do you read that some action "might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop it?" NOT TOO OFTEN, I'M WILLING TO BET.

Again, I'm no scientist, but it seems to be that the future does not meddle with us often. SO WHY ARE WE MESSING WITH THE FUTURE? It's kind of like sticking your hand into a hungry shark's tank just to see if it will bite. Only that shark could make the universe implode Big Bang style.

I showed this article to B and he was all, "oh that makes total sense, I bet they'll start the experiment in 2012, and then the world will end, just like the Mayans predicted. BOOM." And I was all "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!"

And I know I was all blah blah blah you swine flu people are hysterical, but I'll tell you what, if they were dolling out End of the World vaccinations at the CVS Minute Clinic, you bet your ass I'd be waiting in line right now with my sleeve rolled up and a My Little Ponies band aid ready.

So you know what? If those scientists blow up the world with this little physics project, I'm going to be rul, RUL pissed. I still have so much left to do. Like write a book. And drink a bottle of wine on a small Parisian street. And finally eat an entire pizza by myself. So since you just never can tell, I'll be working on some of those goals right away. Who's hungry?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

F YEAH UNEMPLOYMENT!!!!!1111

Remember when I was all boo hoo unemployment my life is in shambles who wants a shot? Well today I'm all F YEAH UNEMPLOYMENT MY LIFE ROCKS WHO WANTS A SHOT? Because today I found out I was being swept away from balmy Boston and sent to the temperate seas of the Mediterranean. WHA, you say? ME TOO. I'm totally loosing my shiz over here. Loosing. My. Shiz.

SO. One of my former clients runs a travel agency outside Philadelphia. And one of the necessary duties of the owner of a travel agency is to ensure that the places they send people are up to snuff. To be absolutely thorough, this client frequently makes these visits herself. One of the trips that needs inspection happens to be a 10-day cruise through the Mediterranean Sea, but my former client can't make the trip, which departs in three weeks. So she called my boss, hoping he could take the cruise on her behalf. He can't, but he had the brilliant idea to send me. And thus, I have just shat my pants.

Because who in their right mind could drop everything, take 10 days away from their work and their life on very little notice, and spend some time bopping around Italy, France, Spain, and Morocco? THIS UNEMPLOYED CHICK, THAT'S WHO.

So when he laid the option in front of me I was all "YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES" and he was all "great! Have an awesome time. Maybe you'll even get a few Yellaphant blog posts out of it." Maybe. I guess there could be a few stories that result from this. Me ... on a giant boat ... visiting some of the most beautiful cities in the world ...

I've only been to Europe never a thousand times in my dreams, but this cruise makes stops at all the countries I've wanted to experience for about as long as I can remember. It's just ... I can't ... oh god I can't breathe.

So of course I felt like if I didn't tell someone about this incredible stroke of good fortune thanks entirely to the thoughtfulness of my former boss -- and I mean tell someone RIGHT NOW -- that my head would explode. Literally, the second I ended the call, I could feel the news oozing from my eyeballs. So I called B and he was all "why does this always happen to me?" Whatever that means. And I was all "this is about ME, B. Focus please."

And then I called my parents and I was all "I've got great news!" and they were all "you got a job!" And I was all "no, fools. I'M GOING TO EUROPE!!!" And then they were all "WHAT? You mean to tell me that you -- a young, newlywed woman -- are seriously considering traipsing around the world without your husband?" And I was all "oh, good point ... yes."

And then I called my biffle Michael, and he was all "you BITCH," and then he hung up on me. He'll be sorry when I DON'T bring him back a souvenir shot glass from Barcelona that says "My biffle went to Barcelona and all I got was this lousy shot glass."

I'm not exactly sure yet what exactly I'll be doing while I'm "inspecting," but I've been told that I need to be thorough. THAT will not be a problem. I'll be inspecting the bar and I'll be inspecting the food and I'll be inspecting the pool and I'll be inspecting the spa and I'll be inspecting all those beautiful European cities and and and ... and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be doing it all quite thoroughly. I'll be timing EXACTLY how long it takes the ship's bartenders to bring me my drink. And they better do it with a smile. And it better have a little paper umbrella in it.

Or else.

So yeah, today, unemployment doesn't seem so bad.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

B12 is the magic number

I had a whole post planned for yesterday about how taking vitamin B12 has changed my life because it's totally eliminated my hangovers, but then I spent the majority of yesterday lying on my in-law's couch so hungover I was afraid if I moved my head, brain juice would ooze from my ears. True story.

So last summer at my brother-in-law's engagement party, his fiance casually mentioned that did you know vitamin B12 prevents hangovers? And as she said this, she shook a bottle of pills in the air and everyone within earshot scrambled over each other, arms outstretched like grubby little addicts being dolled out our daily fix. I can't remember if I had a hangover the next day, because I spent almost that entire summer weekend somewhere between a little bit and very drunk, but we'll call it a win.

Since then, it's been one of those items on my drug store list that I always remind myself to buy, but then blank on as soon as I get to CVS and then I end up coming home with a pack of gum and 13 bottles of shampoo because they were on sale! But, as some of you know, B and I recently became vegetarians, which has resulted in a great attention to absolutely everything I put in my body (that's what she said). Aaaanyway, as "athletes," we both need to be sure we have plenty of fuel for the burnin' and as such, I've been really diligent about eating foods packed with good stuff, as well as taking my vitamins every day.

And earlier this month, one of B's sisters, who's currently in med school at Georgetown, called to tell us that as vegetarians, it was important to make sure we got enough B12. So off I scampered to the local drug store and I've been taking it every day since then.

It's important for me to mention here that hangovers are almost a guarantee for me. I can drink three glasses of wine and I'll wake up the next morning with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and a little man using a pick axe behind my eyes. Not that that's ever stopped me.

Anyway, three days after starting my B12 regimen, I went out for drinks with my sisters-in-law, and, naturally, drank a bit too much. And when I woke up the next morning? I felt amazing. Not only was I not hungover, but I was ready to kick some ass.

It's like B12 is a magic pill! Like if I sold my last cow for a bottle of them, then planted them in the backyard, I'd wake up the next morning and climb that B12 beanstalk to the giant in the sky and his giant pot of gold! I have not yet tested this, but you can bet I've scheduled some time this afternoon for planting B12. I've got to pay my credit card bill somehow.

Then the next morning I woke up after a night of heavy drinking, it was the same thing! No longer did I have to question myself before ordering another drink, will this be worth it in the morning? Because YES! It WILL BE! One more round? OF COURSE! Shot of whiskey? HECK YES! Try my homemade vodka? BRING IT ON! I may not have a job, but I'm immune to hangovers! I don't see how this could ever go wrong.

Until it did. Because after a long afternoon and evening of mimosas and saki bombs and Magic Hats and borovicka and homemade vodka from family in Slovakia and blah blah blah I swear I don't have a drinking problem, all of which went down the hatch without hesitation, I woke up feeling like hell. I blame the homemade vodka and I'm pretty sure I swallowed a twig with my drink. I guess that's what happens when you drink things made out of rotting fruits and vegetables you plucked from your backyard. And speaking of which, NEVER AGAIN.

So maybe B12 is magic, but maybe magic still can't beat that homemade death juice. So what have I learned? I can drink anything thanks to B12! As long as it wasn't brewed in a bathtub in Slovakia. Buy yourself some vitamin B12 and thank me later. Or better yet, buy some vitamins for someone in Haiti. That'll feel even better when you wake up in the morning.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Blood muffins!

When I was walking out of the club one day this week, I noticed a sign for an upcoming Red Cross blood drive. YES! Something to DO! That would require interacting with other PEOPLE! And even though I do try to limit my thin Philadelphia skin's exposure to the arctic Massachusetts conditions, it would be worth it to leave the house for the common good of mankind. I'm going to donate EVERY DAY of the blood drive because people need blood and I got it!

And then my sister-in-law was all "DUH, Bridget, you can't donate blood because you got a tattoo this year." And I was all "yes I can." And she was all "no you can't" and I was all "yes I can." And that went on for a little while and the moral of the story is APPARENTLY I can't donate blood because I might have hepatitis or herpes of the arm or something like that, which has left me a little miffed.

I didn't get a tattoo in a back alley next to the dumpster behind Sizzler. I got it in a well respected little shop in a nice city neighborhood. And anyway, I'm no doctor, but if I had Hep C wouldn't I be coughing up blood by now or turning green or crawling down the steps backwards? One year seems like an awfully long time to restrict tattoo-getters from donating blood, especially considering people need blood. And again, still not a doctor here, but I'm pretty sure I have some extra red stuff.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna show up to the drive anyway and have the nurses themselves tell me I can't donate. And if it happens to be a really cute male nurse, well then so be it. For the good of mankind.

Also, I would like you to know that this is one of the first pictures that pops up when you Google "hot male nurse:"



Where are your standards, Google?

And just for the record, I can't ever let a conversation involving blood go without bringing up blood muffins. Who's hungry?!



I'm making muffins asbestos I can!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday's Song of the Week

I didn't get the job. Naturally, when I was told this yesterday I was all ohhhhhh GAAAAHH MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES. But then I "did some work," began to feel like human being again, and rounded off the day with some cookies and "500 Days of Summer."

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned here how much I love this movie. Not just love, but luuuuuurve. B and I saw it in theaters over the summer, and I skipped home, swinging my arms and smiling at every stranger on the street. I was more agreeable for days. I ended every sentence with "sweetie" and "darling." And then I left love letters for Paul all over the streets of Philadelphia.

I think it has something to do with all the adorable sweater vests. And this scene, when Joseph Gordon-Levitt bursts out of his apartment building after sleeping with Zooey Deschanal for the first time, is quite possibly my favorite scene of the entire movie. Maybe it's the idea of a street full of people breaking out into a dance routine, which happens to be a long-time dream of mine (it could happen). Maybe it's the Hall and Oates. Maybe it's the opportunity to watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt thrust his hips in my general direction. There's just something about it that makes me all warm and giggly inside. Whatever it is, this scene has brought me back from the shambles. And this song will be on my lips for the next week.

The only thing the clip below is missing is the part where JGL looks at himself in the car window and the reflection winking back is Hans Solo. Oooh here comes the warmth.

IT'S BACK, YA'LL! WEDNESDAY'S SONG OF THE WEEK IS BACK!!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

On trying hard to maintain that last shred of purposefulness. Is that even a word? Do I even care?

First of all, thanks to everyone for the e-mails of well wishes about the job I interviewed for last week. I haven't heard about it yet, but I'm not feeling to great at this point. In fact, I'm feeling even more "unemployed." Which, if you're wondering, feels a bit like dirty sweatpants.

Sensing my growing distress, a friend recently sent me an e-mail with a list of easy-to-follow instructions for maintaining sanity during times of unemployment in not so ideal times. They are paraphrased below:

Step 1: Set the alarm to 9 a.m. - My grandmother got up at 9 a.m. when she was retired. I used genetics as an excuse.

Step 2: Take a shower as soon as you get up - I know, tough. But worth it, because you can do nothing the entire day and still feel like you accomplished something.

Step 3: Only allow yourself one TV show on Soap Net a day - Tough to choose between 90210 or the OC ... but again, necessary.

Step 4: Set one goal - Was it the shower? Great! To read the entire A section of the newspaper? Great! (Note: This was just to prove to my mother that I did something that day)

Step 5: Visit people - At least once a week. Catching up/meeting new people can feel like a new job; a nice 10-hour-a-week part-time job that mostly involves booze.

So in an effort to reclaim a sense of purpose, this morning I got up early (Step 1: check!), after my usual fitness class with my sister-in-law, I took a shower (Step 2: check!), and came back to da club to "get some work done" in my father-in-law's office (Step 4: check! check! check!).

At first, this was just because neither of the laptops at home have Microsoft Word and how am I supposed to "work" without Word? But after about five minutes of "working" I couldn't get the Word to work here either so I've spent the last hour reading blogs, chatting to people with jobs on Twitter, and smiling at people from behind the desk.

The reason "working" is in quotations is because I've pretty much reached the end of my rope of non-productivity. And even though I'm not really working, per say, it does a lot for the self esteem to call looking for jobs "working."

So when I got up this morning, I casually announced to the house that I would be going to the club "to get some work done," and it felt great. I think from now on, or at least until I find some gainful employment, everything that requires any effort at all will be referred to as "work."

Catching up on the New Yorker is now "catching up on some work." Looking at some blogs? "Looking at work." Putting on my pants? "Working really hard."

It's a new week, everyone. Let's get some clothes on and do some shit!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Party in the U.S.A.!!!!!1!

I had quite a few things I had planned on talking about today. Like people who fly first class. And my obsession with little black children with funky hair. And anal bleaching.

But then I took a little trip over to LiveIt, LuvIt and that all went out the window when I saw this:



And THAT is just the greatest thing I've seen all week. Happy Friday, to all. And to all a drunk night.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

On my current state of unemployment (part 2)

Technically, I haven't been working since the middle of December, but it's taken until this week for me to feel actually unemployed. Now that the holidays are officially over and the move has actually happened, I have a bit of something I haven't had in a very long time. It's called free time. Perhaps you've heard of it?

If this "unemployment" happened to fall over any of the summer months, I'd be in heaven. It would be like vacation, and I'd spend every day on the beach, loving every second of every day and tipping my sunglasses at the poor bastards that had to put on clothes and go to work every day.

But it's January. And in case you've never been here, January in New England is about as cold as what I consider Antarctica would be. Probably. To me, anyway. I try to limit my time outside to time to and from the car door. If I can help it, I won't even go outside once the sun has set because are you CRAZY? It's FREEZING out there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I've been filling my free time with fitness classes down at the club while B works, and while that has resulted in me living in a constant state of soreness, I feel like as soon as I regain full use of my arms, I'll be able to punch B in the face harder than ever before. I bet I could even out ninja a ninja right now. Maybe even two at the same time. HEY-YO THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

But besides all the working out, as I said yesterday, free time has also given me a chance for a bit of thinking, as I mentioned. Recently though, the things that have popped into my head have started to concern me. Things that, under normal circumstances, would horrify me. Things that, under normal circumstances, I would judge people for, take one look at them, and write them off as baseless, classless, and probably high.

Without further ado, the top ten reasons I know I need to get a job, and get a job quickly.

1. "I could really use a good pair of slippers."
2. "I wonder where I could get a bath robe. Then I wouldn't even have to put pants on to go downstairs."
3. "8:30 already? I guess I should get up."
4. "I could totally get away without putting a bra on."
5. "I'm only going to CVS, I'll just put on some sweatpants."
6. "I'll just shower later."
7. "It doesn't smell that bad."
8. "I'll just put a hat on."
9. "No one will notice."
10. "Jersey Shore's on in ten minutes. AWESOME."

And that's only been the last 24 hours. I should find out about this job by tomorrow. Fingers crossed, ya'll, before I spiral out of control and pass the point of no return.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The murphy bed type

On Monday afternoon I took the train into the city for a job interview. The interview itself went well. That might be the Merlot talking, but let's just go with that. And the ride to and from the interview was pleasant, because it afforded some time for contemplation and observation for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

I went into Boston early so I would have some time to walk around and get my bearings in the neighborhood. I've only been to the city a couple of times, and each time, I'm amazed that anyone knows where they're going in a city that is not laid out in a grid. Boston is a series of twisting streets and intersections, and every time I swear I know where I am, I turn a corner and realize that I haven't a clue.

This is a problem when, like me, you hate feeling like you don't belong in a place. I try to avoid standing on corners looking at street signs or (gah forbid) pulling out a map. That's a sure fire way to blow your cover that you have no idea where you are and (I assume) makes you an easy target for muggers, rapists, and the man on the corner who wants to tell you about his good friend Jesus.

In Philadelphia, no matter where you find yourself, it's simple to get back to where you want to be because the entire city (and almost all of the surrounding suburbs) are (for the most part) laid out in an organized grid. I've never needed maps and directions have always been easy to remember. Missed your turn? Take a couple quick lefts and you're right back where you want to be. Take three left turns in a row in Boston, and you might end up in Quincy.

I considered this as I boarded the commuter rail for the ride home, but all directional thoughts went out the window when I realized the train had two floors. TWO FLOORS! It's like riding a double decker bus! Only on tracks! In a train! Naturally, I elbowed my way through the crowd so I could ride up top because weeeeee it's so hiiiiiigggh.

Then, once I was situated and the train started crossing the river, I wondered if I had just positioned myself in the floor that would most likely lead to death should the train tip over into the icy waters below. Would I die first because I'd hit the water first and temporarily shield the lower floor? Or would that give me more time to get out? Was this completely neurotic thinking? Or at least somewhat normal?

Then the man sitting across the row from me pulled out a bottle of Fiji water. I went to Fiji once. My friends and I decided to stop in Fiji for a week on our flight home from New Zealand after spending the spring semester of our junior year at the University of Auckland.

When we got there, it wasn't the incredible white sand beaches that amazed me the most. Or the startlingly green ocean. Or even the outrageously luxurious condo we found ourselves vacationing in because someone knew someone who had a timeshare in Fiji and had given it to us for free. It was the murphy bed that pulled out into our kitchen inside that outrageously luxurious condo that amazed me the most.

I'd heard of a murphy bed before that, of course. And I'd seem them in movies and probably on TV. But I had no idea they actually existed anymore. I thought they went out with pill box hats and, similarly, ironing boards that folded out of closets.

I was entranced. And when we dropped our bags in the middle of the living room when deciding who should sleep with who where, I eagerly offered to sleep in the murphy bed in the middle of the kitchen. Later that night, after a few too many cocktails on the back porch, we were all ready for bed.

I giggled as I pulled the bed from the wall and immediately climbed under the covers. What fun! It was kind of like camping in your backyard! Or eating with chopsticks! But the covers were really tight. I kicked my legs to try to loosen the sheets that I assumed had been meticulously tucked by the maid. It was a bit snug, but I was asleep in seconds.

The next night the same scene took place. Kind of tight, I thought as I tried to pull the sheets up a bit around my arms.

On the third day in Fiji I mentioned to my friends that sleeping on the murphy bed was great and all, but was it always that restrictive? All three of them looked at me, faces blank. Tara put down her sweating drink and pushed her sunglasses back on her head. "You ARE unbuckling the straps, right?"

"What straps?" I replied, reviewing the anatomy of the murphy bed in my head. The room had always been dark when I pulled it down, and I had always been a bit drunk, but wouldn't I have noticed STRAPS?

Tara marched into the condo, pulled the bed down, and there, clear as day, where two thick straps across the bed, about six inches thick, one at the top, about where my chest would be, and the other about my ankles. The straps, designed to keep the covers on the bed when it was folded into the wall, could be pulled up maybe three or four inches, max. And each night, I had managed to squirm under them and sleep there for the remainder of the night.

I slept much more comfortably after this day.

To this day, these three friends have not let me forget that I once slept in a murphy bed without unbuckling the straps for two nights in a row before even thinking to mention something that would lead to the realization that I was dumb as shit.

I've always considered myself a rather intelligent person. And not the type that doesn't have street smarts, either. Like the girl who always got straight A's but didn't know how to pump her gas. But the well-rounded intelligent type. But, I'll be the first to admit, at times, I behave as if I am borderline retarded. B could easily rattle off pages of examples of this, I'm sure. And he would be happy to do so, should you ever ask him.

By this time, the train was well on its way to my destination, and I passed the rest of the time on the phone with my mom and reading a book. It was a wonderful, if not a little lengthy, trip, and I stepped off the platform smiling over my first successful trip into the city by myself, and hoping the three women I had interviewed with earlier that day wouldn't peg me for the type to ever sleep in a murphy bed without unbuckling the straps.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

On my current state of unemployment

I've never really been unemployed before. Before now, that is. Interestingly enough (or not, depending on your position on unemployment) my recent lack of income has nothing to do with the economy, or a related downsizing company, or a result of being fired for blogging on company time. It was, as you know, a result of willingly leaving my job behind when I left Philadelphia for the snowier pastures of New England.

Also interestingly enough (again, depending) is that this is also the first time I've had a mortgage hanging over my head. No big deal, right? That's my new life philosophy anyway. No. Big. Deal.

Now that we're about as settled as we can be before we transition into the house, I'm at the point where my current unemployment is beginning to become obvious. Like a stubbed toe.

Yesterday was B's first day of work. So when he went off to the tennis club to teach some lessons, I went to take a fitness class with one of my sister-in-laws, who is home from college.

This class, appropriately titled "muscle mix," I have found to be deceiving. Deceiving, mostly because I deceived myself into thinking I could keep up with the (other?) housewives (am I a housewife now? Or just an unemployed wife?) and retirees. Maybe there were some other unemployed people in there as well. Let's call them unempleople. I can do that now, give this group cute nicknames, because I'm one of them. You, however, you peobs (people with jobs), can not just go around mashing words regarding employment together and calling them adorable. We unempleople might get offended, depending on our mood and whether or not we've had an afternoon snack.

Anyway, when everyone selected their hand weights before class began, I chose the same weight as everyone else. Which, incidentally, resulted in quite a bit of time spent lying on my back on my exercise mat, wondering if it would just break my face, or in fact fracture my entire skull when the two 10-pounds weights (I never said I was strong) that were shaking rather precariously above my face fell out of my hands (they didn't).

After the class, I showered, made myself presentable and perhaps even moderately professional looking, and went to a job interview. This is something I assume is carried out by unempleople rather often.

But this interview, one of the crabillions we unempleople have gone on recently, I'll talk about tomorrow. Because, you know, I have a little bit of time on my hands these days for things like blogging.

I wonder what else unempleople do. Because so far, all I've managed to do is take fitness classes. And when you're married to a boy who works at a fitness club, why not? Thank gah he's not a baker. Or a taxidermist. Or a hairdresser. Because after two days I'd either be fat, bald, or wondering how to best mount (double entendre) that annoying child in front of me in line at the grocery store.

Anyway, when I got home from the interview, the same sister-in-law and I went to another class. This one, spinning, I will certainly regret tomorrow morning when I can't walk down the steps. Good thing there's a morning yoga class.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Remeber 2009? That year was pretty cool, huh?

What a year, huh? First there was all that stuff that happened to other people. Which was all good and stuff. Or bad. Whatever. I wasn't really paying attention.

And then there was all that stuff that happened to ME. Which, lets be honest, is the bread and butter to the Yellaphant Enterprise. Because who cares about other people when there's me to talk about?

And hello? It was a pretty big year. How about all that wedding planning? And then that wedding! And hoo boy what a wedding. And then the move. And about that move, moving is pretty much the most annoying thing ever.

Mostly because we're living out of boxes. Meaning, I can't find a blessed thing. And because I just don't feel like climbing over furniture and squeezing around boxes if I need to find something, I just make do without it.

I've been wearing the same pair of pants for the past four days. When I wake up in the middle of the night I have no idea if it's 1 a.m. or 10 a.m. because my alarm clock has vanished. I can't find our pillows. And I'm fairly certain that funky smell that we can't figure the source of is a cheese sandwich I threw into my sock bag for the ride up here and then forgot about. If only I could find that bag. That would solve my whole sock problem too.

Since we haven't yet moved into our house, because the house doesn't yet have a kitchen, we're currently living in the apartment above B's parents' garage. It's kind of like a twisted version of Everyone Loves Raymond. Only it's real. And slightly less annoying because gah I hate that show. And since B's three sisters were all home from school when we got here, it's like temporarily living with a house full of roommates again which is SO COLLEGE. I feel like we should all be drinking beers in the shower, talking about penises, and eating macaroni and cheese at 3:30 in the morning.

Speaking of drinking at inappropriate times (psh I know, no such thing, right?) our move has also coincided with my father-in-law's new passion: wine. I don't think I could have planned that better myself.

Because since B and I got him a wine cooler for Christmas, he's been itching for an excuse to chill wine and serve it with an appropriate pairing that he has researched in his giant wine encyclopedia. So much so, that as soon as a bottle goes in, he wants to serve it. And first it was all, would anyone like a glass of wine with dinner? And then it was, who wants wine while waiting for dinner? And then it became, who wants some wine with that afternoon snack? And now he's all, want some wine with that oatmeal?

He's so lucky I'm here for him. Because if it's one thing I've perfected in 2009, it's drinking many glasses of wine. And if there's anything I've learned from this move, it's that I need many glasses of wine. Even with my oatmeal.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Good morning, Massachusetts!

Woah. It's been a while, everyone. I've been really busy putting things in boxes, moving boxes around, and forgetting where everything is, which takes a whole lot more energy than one might think. Oh and also? This is my first official post from Massachusetts. And you know what? It's cold as shit here.

So moving day was kind of a blur. I spent the majority of my time drinking, crying, sleeping in the car, and forcing B to carry shit for me BECAUSE YOU OWE ME, THAT'S WHY.

Then, on my first official Massachusetts day, it was a whopping negative seven degrees. NEGATIVE SEVEN, YA'LL. That's seven degrees colder than zero. So obviously, B and I thought it would be a good idea to take the train into the city and spend some time at the aquarium. I still have not regained use of my nose or feeling in the tips of my fingers. Apparently, that's what happens in NEGATIVE SEVEN DEGREE WEATHER.

Anyway, I actually haven't spent much time here because the next morning we got up and drove back down the coast to meet our friends in Connecticut for a night, then bopped on down to New York City for one of the greatest New Year's Eve parties of all time. Mostly because it started somewhere in Manhattan around 2 p.m. and ended on a deflated aerobed on a hardwood floor in Brooklyn at 5:11 a.m. on New Year's Day. And also because after the most emotionally stressful week of my life, what I needed most was to be surrounded by all of my best friends who, it turns out, don't need an excuse to drink a strong beer or 16.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to kick up my feet with a cup of tea in my hands, watch the falling snow BECAUSE IT'S FREAKING SNOWING AGAIN and drool all over the cushions after falling asleep on the couch. Aahhhh, it's good to be back.

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