Betch sesh: student loans

Excuse me for a moment, everyone mom, but I need to have a betch sesh. And the theme of today's betch sesh is student loans. And recent college grads, I know you know what I'm tawkin bout because oh my gah student loans.

So here's the story. We go to college for four years. And while we're there we partake in a four-year binge we work very hard at our prestigious bastions of education. And we all pay out the arse.

Then we graduate. And in between the whole getting a job and going to work and vomiting most of our money away to the landlord and the utility company and the government, there's another something creeping around and chomping away on our already measly incomes. And that something is our student loans. And that something is a betch.

And because my loans belong to Satan Sallie Mae, I will be paying off interest until I start shopping for a coffin. Which will have to be made out of cheap wood that will probably give me splinters but I guess it won't matter because I'll already be dead and I will have already given all of my money to Satan Sallie Mae so I'm sorry there will be none left for you.

Because let me tell you, Satan Sallie Mae is not your friend. She may sound all nice and southern and peach pie, but she is in fact all cold and heartless and mean.

Let's do some Satan Sallie Mae math. If Bridget starts with a total of $ crapmillion that she owes. And every month for one year she pays $ schfity two craphundred five, then at the end of the first year, her total amount owed should be down to $ crapmillion MINUS 12 x $shfifty two craphundred five, right?

Because you forgot about the eighty crazillion percent interest that Satan Sallie Mae has tacked on to the bill. So in reality, after paying $ schfifty two craphundred five every month for a year, I still owe $ crapmillion minus one.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need a drink. Tweet