Tonight B and I will take Rooney to his second group Puppy Kindergarten class, and honestly, I'm a little bit less than excited. You'd think cramming all that cute into a little room would be, uh, cute. I tell you now, it is not.
Or at least, it's not when your source of cute is the disruptor. Every class has one. You know that kid in second grade who would call out without raising his hand and would smack people with his ruler and throw his shoes across the room and never had his homework so one time Mrs. O'Neill dumped his whole desk on the floor while you looked on horrified because you had never seen anything quite like that ever?
Yeah, that's my puppy in Puppy Kindergarten. And at first everyone was all oh it's cute and look how all the puppies are happy to see each other. But after twenty minutes of trying to talk over the only dog in the room who wouldn't shut up our Puppy Kindergarten teacher sent him away. I'm not kidding. Sent. my puppy. away.
And then it was quiet and everyone sat in a circle on the cement floor and talked about their hopes and dreams for Puppy Kindergarten. You know what my hopes and dreams are? To get my puppy to shut the feck up.
And then Rooney was brought back and, surprise, he started barking again and doing things that, in Puppy Kindergarten, are generally considered disruptive, like humping.
And all the other puppy parents threw disgusted glances our way because no one could hear anything and B and I desperately tried to reign in that brown ball of terror who at that moment was humping the Bernise Mountain Dog's head who had made the unfortunate decision of learning how to settle next to the dog who will probably master that concept when he's dead and why are you even in puppy class if your puppy is so perfect ANYWAY?
Our teacher tells us his constant barking in puppy class is just his plea for attention from the other puppies. I wish he would just pierce his nipples or wear belly shirts that showed a lot of cleavage because then I could have some PEACE.
Tonight's topics includes things like puppy socialization and it's impossible for him to impregnate someone at this age, right?
So after one week of having a puppy kindergartener, this is what I have learned: I will never judge the woman sitting behind me on the airplane with the screaming child ever again.