Thursday, April 9, 2009

Jews really do get the short end of the stick with this whole Easter thing

When I walked into the office this morning there was a huge Easter basket sitting on my desk from my Jewish boss. Filled with candy. Good candy. Easter candy. Can I get a SQUEEEEE?

Boss: Being a Jew at Easter really doesn't pay off. You guys get chocolate and colored eggs and pastels. And we get matza.

Me: Mmm and Peeps. Oh, don't forget ham. We also get ham. Haaammmmm.

Boss: I do get to leave work an hour early for Passover.

Me: To celebrate the fact that the Holy Spirit didn't kill your first born child. Christians celebrate eternal life. Life, boss.

Boss: Life and chocolate.

And now I can't stop staring at all this candy. But eating candy is kind of like drinking alcohol. You shouldn't really do it in the morning, unless of course, you never stopped doing it the night before. I've never really had an all night candy-eating binge, but I can only imagine how amazingly grotesque that would be. It kind of makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. In a good way, of course.

In other news, I read an article yesterday about about dating, and the article emphasized that ladies should not use vulgar language. So I guess it's a good thing I landed B before I lost all control of my head-to-mouth filter. And for a minute I considered seeing how long I could go without dropping the F bomb or calling someone an son of a bitch but then I decided that at this point in my life, not being able to call people incompetent assholes would really stifle my need for expression. I mean, seriously? It also totally reminded me of my high school's motto, girls will be girls but Merion girls will be ladies. And in high school, when we were drinking beer from plastic cups in the dark in the middle of our brother school's lacrosse field in the city, we lived and breathed that motto.

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT THERE IS PEZ IN THIS BASKET.

7 comments:

Avitable said...

I wish someone would bring me an Easter basket.

Betsey Booms said...

It's a good thing the Holy Shit Pez thing was at the end.

Because Holy Shit, I fucking love Pez.

Falko said...

So much for that whole "Giving up sugar for Lent" deal... Hell will suite you well.


...Hey that rhymes!

Bradford Pearson said...

You shouldn't feel bad for them, since the were responsible for Jesus' death.














This is a joke.

Anonymous said...

is there a really cool pez dispenser in the basket too? cause pez just isn't the same without a really cool pez dispenser involved.

b's mom

Deidre said...

I'm a jew who is allergic to matza. Can I get an Oy Vey?

Also - I hardly ever swear in the real world and I still haven't landed a fella, so keep up the potty mouth girlfriend, cuz i think the fellas are over The Ladies.

JD said...

Fuck. I'm never going to land a guy.

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin