The search for the perfect wedding shoes

Last week the bridal shop called to tell me my wedding dress had come in and I could not be more excited. And while I was on the phone with the bridal shop lady she was all, "so now you can make an appointment with the seamstress for your first fitting for some time next week, and don't forget to bring your shoes." And I was all "Oh mother F****R." Only I didn't say that out loud, I just said it in my head. What I actually said was something like, "oh sure yeah no problem" or maybe I just drooled a little, because everyone likes an agreeable bride. But the point is, I forgot about the shoes.

So on Sunday morning, my mom and I set out to find the perfect pair of wedding shoes. I don't have many requirements. They must be ivory. And also they should probably have a two to three inch heel. I'd like to avoid the ankle strap. Perhaps a slingback. Strappy is good. And for the love of gah they must be comfortable.

First we went to this place called a mall. Because we had heard on good authority that Macy's is the place to go for shoes. And on the way to Macy's , OH LOOK IT'S FOREVER 21. Forever 21 doesn't have wedding shoes but oh my gah dresses dresses DRESSES. FOR CHEAP.

Then we continued on to Macy's. BUT LOOK AN H&M I NEVER GET TO GO TO H&M. And ooooh there were shirts. Hundreds and hundreds of shirts. And don't forget those cute skirts. And how about that jacket? And YES I DO need another pair of big gold hoops. FOR CHEAP.

And I don't know about you, but there's something about shopping for wedding shoes that really works up my appetite. So by this point, I was starving (and also slightly hungover, but remember this is Sunday morning, so I thought that was a given). But we struggled on.

Finally we made it to Macy's and oh my gah shoes. There were shoes with heels and shoes with straps. Chunky shoes and comfy shoes. Ugly shoes and pretty shoes. But no perfect wedding shoes. So off we went to Nordstrom just to look because gurrrl, you think monies grow on trees? Still, there were no perfect wedding shoes.

But we weren't daunted. Just very, very hungry. So we left the mall and went to a place that sells wedding dresses, because surely a place that sells dresses will sell shoes to match. And there were shoes. Ugly shoes.

By now, I was all "shruffnimufzzerzzzz," which is hungry talk for please don't make me go to another shoe store I think my stomach is eating itself. But on the way home my mom was all "BOOYAH LORD AND TAYLOR" (or something like that because at this point I was pretty much passed out in the passenger seat) as the car screeched into the parking lot because Lord and Taylor always has the perfect shoes.

But Lord and Taylor did not have the perfect wedding shoes. I couldn't really see all that well though because all those black spots in front of my eyes were getting in the way of the shoes and lawd have mercy someone get this girl a hot dog.

So the shopping day came to a close and we stumbled into the house without the perfect wedding shoes.

Next time, we're shopping online. The end.

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