Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You know you live in a small beach town when ...

1) You're in the middle of a delightful little jog in the middle of a delightful little afternoon when all of a sudden the wind starts to pick up, the skies start to darken, AND HOLY SHIT, YA'LL T'S THE APOCALYPSE. And best of all, you're miles, MILES, miles from home. So you joke to yourself, "I should just wave the next passing car down and ask them to take me home. Psh, yeah right." When suddenly before you can even finish that sentence of your ongoing internal jog monologue, that next passing car just happens to be two of your closest local friends who pull to the side of the road because "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? IT'S GOING TO POUR. GET IN THE CAR, YOU MORON."

2) After a night of unexpected heavy drinking at a party, it appears that both you and your husband are far too intoxicated to get behind the wheel of a car. So you decide to walk the 3.5 miles back to your house because it'll be an adventuuuurreee. Twenty minutes later, while you're booze-soaked spirits are still high, you begin to joke that, "no big deal, I'll just hail a cab," as you both stumble down the deserted street. Seconds after the words "there's no such THING as a cab here," pass your husband's lips, a car pulls to the side of the road. In it is a friend who, upon hearing what it is you're attempting to do, promptly tells you to get your drunk asses in the car because he's driving you home.

3) The morning after the aforementioned night of heavy drinking, you and you husband are still in bed with the hopes of simply sleeping off your hangover by staying in bed past 4:30 in the morning for the first time all week. When suddenly, there's a steady stream of knocking on your front door. You both stumble out of bed (literally) and pull on some clothes because omg what the HELL is that? Oh, it's just your town's Welcome Committee who has come to welcome you to the neighborhood by sitting you down at your dining room table to thoroughly review an entire bag of coupons to local establishments and maps of your town's sure-to-delight (the walking dead) historical elements while you sit there in a wrinkled t-shirt and boxers, teeth unbrushed, hair uncombed, wondering if your head hurts so badly because this woman at your table won't stop talking or because of the unlady-like amounts of booze you drank the night before.

4) Your town has a Welcome Committee

5) Your town has a Welcome Committee who brings you a copy of your free local, weekly newspaper entitled "The Tiny Town Gazette."

6) The Tiny Town Gazette that is currently sitting on your dining room table fills you with equal parts dread and amusement because you now live in a place that has a newspaper called The Tiny Town Gazette. Laugh? Or cry? How about a drink?

7) The afternoon following your attempted 3.5 mile walk home in the middle of the night, you get a phone call from a different friend because "oh my gawd I heard you two tried to walk home last night and Jack totally picked you up from the side of the road," when you realize holy shit, this town is like Big Brother. How. Do. They. KNOW???

8) You find yourself looking for stories of police activity in the local section of the Globe because "I wonder if I'll know anyone who got arrested this weekend."

9) You realize that if you ever get arrested, your entire town will read about it in the paper the next day because for Gah's sake you can't even walk home without being spotted by everyone you know. And lord have mercy if it's The Tiny Town Gazette. Ha ha ... ha ... hummmm. Who needs a drink?

10) You find yourself drinking more. Way more. No seriously, who needs a drink?


Becky Mochaface said...

That must have really been an ungodly, unladylike amount of alcohol you consumed as a 3.5 mile walk does not sound like an adventure. It's a good think you live in a small beach town where friends are always driving by to pick you up on the side of the road.

LiLu said...

"Laugh? Or cry? How about a drink?"

Definitely all three.

rory said...

Living in Tiny Town is a lot like marriage. There's no anonymity, It's cool like that.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

I'm kinda impressed that your tiny town has the internet now...

Bridget said...

@tokenblogger, we don't, i wrote that from the train. which, by the way, the town was entirely opposed to getting.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Pssssssstp. That was the air going out of that perfect tiny town bubble.

No innernet? How's we gunna live without no innernet?


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