Fourth of July = better than a puppy who shits $100 bills

I still feel like a giant sack of warm dog poo and dirty jock straps today WHICH IS NOT THE WAY I'D LIKE TO BE FEELING ONE DAY BEFORE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND BEGINS. That means I have one day to nurse my body back into the model of physical health so I can beat it to hell for the next three by pumping it full of booze and barbecued foods. Must ... get ... healthy ... so ... can ... make ... self ... destructive ... choices.

My throat is so raw from days of coughing I feel like I just swallowed a knife that spontaneously burst into flames and I'm so damn tired I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything besides the cushiness degree of my couch cushions. (Cushiness degree: 7.5.) And since I'm harnessing my collective brainpower to will myself into better health, the most I can manage in form of communication is a half grunt half gurgle whenever spoken to. What do you want for dinner? Hugargd. Do you know where the scissors are? Mmrump. Will you join me in this meeting? Skzzerps.

But you shouldn't worry about me too much because I know full well that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can't remember how to spell my name, I'll still be out celebrating my freedom to make bad choices come tomorrow night. I will not succumb. That's what the British would have wanted and I am not about to let those Red Coats win now. FUCK YEA FREEDOM! AMERICA! DAY DRINKING! VEGETABLE SHISH KABOBS! FLYING UNICORNS WITH FLAMING TAILS AND AMERICAN FLAG CAPES!

It's no exaggeration when I say that Fourth of July is my favorite holiday to ever be invented by the American people. It's MILES ahead of Christmas. Christmas used to send me into fits of convulsions because PRESENTS!

But now that I'm a little bit older Christmas is essentially just a reason to buy stuff for people, drink too much wine before dinner and cry into your mashed potatoes over the hypocrisy of your now crumbling family unit. Plus, it's in the very beginning of winter, so the only thing you have to look forward to once it's over is MONTHS of cold and darkness accompanied by the guilt of not being able to shed those five pounds of Christmas cookies currently sitting on your hips because the thought of strapping on some running shoes and heading out into the tundra for a jog frankly makes you want to curl up in a ball on the couch and vomit all over your Snuggie. Just me? Moving on.

Then there's that other celebrated winter holiday: New Year's Eve. I fucking hate New Year's. People always start talking about it in November and by the time December 31 rolls around there's been so much planning around the evening that it's just about guaranteed to be a total flop. If I could survive just one New Year's Eve without falling down a flight of steps, threatening to divorce my husband, or crying in a corner, I might start to come around to it. But for now, MEH. Easter? Whatever, Jesus. Thanksgiving? Getting slightly warmer, but only because I'm a glutton and everyone knows it. St. Patrick's Day? Doesn't really count because I'm usually blacked out by 5 p.m.

But Fourth of July? Fourth of July is a beautiful thing. In my opinion it's the most underrated holiday ever. Where's the Fourth of July section in the Hallmark store? Where's a Fourth of July tree? What about a fat, jolly man who breaks into your house and leaves you cases of Miller Lite in the name of Independence? I'd dig that. There's still months of beach weather left, all proper celebrations are held outside and revolve around grilled meats, cold beers and fireworks, and it's a great excuse to spend a long weekend strutting around in your bathing suit and that awesome new sundress you just picked out for this very occasion! WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT?

And you know how I know THIS Fourth of July is going to be the best ever? Great White shark. Let's review. Great White spotted off the coast of a small New England beach town. Authorities state there is no need to fear and encourage everyone to hit the beaches for Fourth of July weekend. Sound familiar?



Someone's getting fucking eaten by a shark, ya'll. Laaaaaawd above I love that movie. This is going to be awesome.

So let's hope that my current diet of cocktail of DayQuil + coffee + fist fulls of multivitamins does the trick. Otherwise we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone. Don't go blowing any fingers off. Tweet