Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Can a string of random thoughts in a car really be considered a post? Does the pope shit in the woods?

Yesterday on my way home from work I was dwelling on the fact that I felt like this week I've been suffering from a major case of the dreaded block. Don't worry, my BMs are as regular as ever. I'm tawkin' 'bout the Writer's Block. I've just come home from vacation. I should be bursting with things to write about. But you know how I know I had the best vacation? Because I did nothing but sit on the beach reading and talking to my mom all day every day. And every night was spent sipping cold beers with family. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Until all my brain matter seeped from my ears and I was left sitting in the sand, bronzed, happy, and totally relaxed. To cap off my week of vacation, on Saturday I went to a bachelorette party in Atlantic City and I still haven't been able to remember where I left my dignity. So you know, typical night out.

I know you're theoretically supposed to return from vacation all refreshed and ready for real life, so naturally I'm all "everyone shut up and leave me alone." I haven't been on the beach in FOUR days and I'm TOTALLY losing my tan already. GAH.

And now that another year's vacation has come and gone, my anxiety levels about the impending autumn are at an all time high. Yesterday a friend noted offhandedly that she "can't wait for sweater weather" and my head fucking exploded. After I recovered from vomiting on her feet, I wiped my mouth and was all "YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN."

It's August and I've already started petitioning B for one of those S.A.D. lamps. I live in New England now. That is a real condition and I will suffer if I don't have one. It is necessary. I work in a tin can. There are no windows. Pretty soon I'm going to be driving to and from work in total darkness. I could go DAYS without seeing any sunshine. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEE THE SUNSHINE? DO YOU??!!1!!?

As I was thinking about all of this in the car, my grip on the steering wheel tightened and cold sweat began to drip down my face. So I did what I do every time I'm in the car. I turned the music up and I screamed the words along to the first good song I could find. But for some reason -- likely because my anxiety radar was already beeping -- I became particularly self-conscious of passing drivers judging me for my singing. I have no air conditioner in B's car. I have to drive with the windows down. Hence, everyone gets a free ticket to the Bridget concert: LIVE.

EVERYONE sings in the car. If you tell me you that you do not, you are a dirty liar and I will not share my chocolate covered pretzels with you. And yet, I can't think of a time that I have ever witnessed someone blasting their car stereo and singing along at the capacity that I do on a daily basis. I've done it with other people, of course. But I've never noticed anyone else doing it alone.

Do many people notice me? Has anyone ever gone home, dropped their briefcase at the door, sat down for at the dinner table, loosened his tie and said, "honey, you would not BELIEVE the chick I saw singing along to Bonnie Raitt's 'I Can't Make You Love Me' on the way home tonight. I mean, she was just screaming. Like an animal. And just when I thought it was over, 'Superstitious' came on. And wow. Just wow."

I literally cannot ride in a car without singing. It's like a compulsion. And worst of all, I'm a horrible singer. If you lowered the volume, my voice would sound like a coyote being strangled to the tune of Justin Timberlake's "Love Stoned." Which is one of the reasons I listen to my music very loudly. Incidentally, this is probably one of the reasons I believe I'm going deaf at the tender age of 25.

But that's more of a Chicken or Egg question. Do I have bad hearing because I listen to music too loudly? Or do I listen to music too loudly because I have bad hearing? And gah help me if I'm listening to NPR. I crank that volume nob UP. The other afternoon I turned on the car and a report about little girls growing boobies too young blasted through the speakers so loudly I thought I was going to have a heart attack. And thus I realized, I have become my father.

All throughout my childhood I have memories of pleading from the back seat for my dad to turn off NPR and put on some music PAH-LEASE. And do you have to listen to "Car Talk" so LOUD? So yeah, there's that.

And now I've just decided that this half-assed ramble of thoughts I'm going to attempt to pass off as a legitimate post needs to end. Someone just take it out back and shoot it already. Clearly, my head is still in Ocean City. But at least I won't be able to hear your complaining.


Becky Mochaface said...

We must never drive by each other because I am always singing at the top of my lungs in my car. Accompanied usually by some seat dancing and wheel drumming. Of course we would have to drive a long way to drive by each other with me in Texas and you in Massachusetts. But I am totally there with you... loud music, obnoxiously awful singing, alone in a car.

Bellacantare said...

My family is a car singing family. It wasn't until I was dating a guy in college who didn't see the point in turning on the radio that I realized that some people don't like to sing a long ALL THE TIME. We didn't last long. How can you have silence in a car? Even if you're having a conversation instead of singing, the radio should be on for background music so when there's an awkward silence, you can just start singing along to the song.

Deidre said...

I always sing in the car by myself or otherwise.

Also - I can't believe I was home for two weeks and with Inspector Climate and we forgot to listen to car talk. I know click and clack come through the internets, but there is nothing like listening to VPR on a saturday morning and chuckling along with the broskis' you know? opportunity lost.

Bridget said...

@Becky :(

@Bella I once dated a guy in college who didn't listen to music in the car, either! It made me so uncomfortable. Needless to say THAT didn't last either. And it was on my List of Reasons Why I'm Breaking Up With You that I handed out. Just to make sure things were perfectly clear.

@Deidre OPPORTUNITY LOST. Love that show. Never owned a car in my life. Just because I love to listen to them laugh.

Amanda said...

OK, this post is awesome on many levels, but mostly because you are exactly the same as me in terms of your fear/anger over the impending winter. I was just talking about those SAD lamps the other day too!


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