I was in the city early on Sunday morning for a run and a Christmas breakfast with my Back on My Feet team. We were all wrapped up by 8 a.m., so I decided to take advantage of rising so disgustingly early on a Sunday to bang out the last items on the Christmas to-do list.
I merrily pranced into a nearby shopping center, a true Christmas shopper's delight with a TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Best Buy and Target all in one location. I knocked off a few things at the TJ Maxx and skipped over to Best Buy, still clad in my spandex pants, or as I lovingly refer to them, mah spandies. Now, I don't often ever go anywhere in public besides running in these pants, but I figured it was early enough in the morning that the chances of seeing many people who don't consider it perfectly fine to wear spandex pants in public were slim.
I was browsing the DVD selection when I felt a rumbling in my stomach. Oof. Way too much coffee at that greasy spoon diner. I headed over to the CDs. And that's when it hit me. I needed a bathroom. RULL BAD. I decided to power on though. Just a few more things and my Christmas shopping would be complete. Visions of shredded wrapping paper and delighted smiles filled my head. As I was fingering through the R's, it hit me again. Oh Jesus Christ. And then B called.
B: Hey where are you?
Me (barely above a whisper, focusing all of my concentration on my bladder): I'm at Best Buy.
Me: Best Buy.
B: Oh, great, since you're there, why don't you look to see if they have one of those cable box converter things for the blah blah blah blah blahbity bloop ... ?
At this point I can barely hear what he's saying. I've stopped listening almost completely. I've broken into a cold sweat staring at Ray Charles' face.
Me: I really can't. I don't have time. I need to get home.
B: Okay, but since you're there, why don't you just check?
Me: B, I gotta get out of here. I really have to go to the bathroom.
Me: I've got to go to the bathroom.
B: Can you speak up? I can't hear you at all.
Me: I need to get out of here immediately. I really have to go to the bathroom.
B: What? Why? I still can't hear you.
Me: BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS. I AM GOING TO SHIT. MY. PANTS.
The nearest employee looked up from the stack of iTunes gift cards and smiled at me. I threw my phone into my purse, grabbed a few CDs from the shelf in front of me and jogged to the cashier. I almost broke out in tears in the checkout line, hopping from foot to foot. I was an hour from home. There was no way I was going to make it. This shopping center was on the outskirts of the city. Where there even any restaurants that would be open this early near me? WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?
And because I know you're all DYING to know, I'll tell you. I paid for my stuff, ran through the parking lot, threw my bags into my car without breaking stride, and made a beeline straight for the Target, which I figured had to have public restrooms. They have a Starbucks from crying out loud. They better have a loo. And they did. THANK YOU BABY JESUS AND YOUR WONDERFUL DAY OF BIRTH. My Christmas was saved. And so were my favorite pair of spandies.Tweet