Thursday, December 2, 2010

Not even my happy lamp is working this week

You'll have to excuse me, but I'm currently in a state of emotional turmoil. Everything was great and awesome and good coming off of the marathon. I gave myself that necessary post-marathon week of rest and was ready to go. Or, at least, I thought so anyway. I ran on Monday and was feeling pretty good. A few hours later though, I could barely walk. My knee -- that knee that gave me hell during the marathon; the one that made me question every life decision I'd ever made and and just pray for the entirely miserable experience to end -- is totally fucked. And, therefore, so is my mental stability.

Let me explain. I've been running forever. When I train for a marathon, I run almost every single day. On Sundays I rest. Every other day of the week revolves around a workout. That means since early summer, I've started almost every day with a run. Out of the past 113 days, 97 have included a workout. Not because I love running. Sometimes when I'm out there, I hate it. Sometimes I hate it more than anything. But I love being done running.

After a week and a half of not being able to run, I'm going insane. I'm totally stir crazy. And not to mention, I've been physically ill pretty much since I crossed the finish line, so I'm miserable to boot. I'm a real treat. I spend my days limping stiff-kneed around the office, sniffling, coughing and wallowing in self-pity. Today, my intern told that I needed to "take some happy lamp time." On a related note, Confessions: I have a happy lamp. And I love it. But not even the happy lamp is working its magical happy beams this week 'cause I'm a fucking mess, ya'll.

And the other thing? I have the eating habits of a 300-pound man. I'm hungry just about all the time and if I see food, it's probably going to end up in my mouth. [Editor's note: That's what she said.] Pizza, candy, cookies, pasta, sushi. Three weeks ago, I ate four cupcakes in a single sitting. FOUR. CUPCAKES. IN A SINGLE SITTING. On Thanksgiving, I literally ate myself into unconsciousness. I have no self control. Not to mention I drink. A lot. I love heavy beers. Belgian brews, Irish stouts, porkchops in a pint glass as my dad would say. I consume them all without giving a single thought to my waistline. I realize I sound like a piece of shit for saying all that in a world where every woman is obsessed with her dress size so GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME. But not this week. Suddenly I'm obsessed with calories. I've been checking the scale compulsively. I'm afraid to eat anything besides salad and vegetable soup. How can I when I'm not running?

Last night I tried spinning, and even that hurt my knee. I can't run, I can't bike, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH MY LIFEEEEEEEE.

I know how this looks on paper. I'm so annoying you hate me. You want to punch me in the mouth. Maybe even take out my other knee a la Tanya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan style. If I could just shut up and rest for a few weeks, my sickness would most certainly be gone and maybe my knee might even be better. But right now "a few weeks" sounds like a death sentence. In "a few weeks," I'll be 200 pounds. My body is collapsing in on itself and I'm a total fucking spaz. I mean, I'm always a spaz, but this week I've taken it to epic proportions, even for me.

I've never considered myself a crazy runner. I basically would run to stay in shape and not get fat. But now not being able to run is affecting every aspect of my life. I miss my Back on My Feet team. I'm whiney. I'm distracted at work. And I can barely function in social settings. My mental acuity is slipping. I JUST HAD TO GOOGLE HOW TO SPELL "ACUITY." I THOUGHT THERE WAS A "Q." I BET IF I WASN'T WEARING BOOTS TODAY I WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO TIE MY OWN SHOES. Guh. I can't even think of a good way to end this post, so I'm just going to stop writing abruptly. Like a fucking spaz.


Joslynn said...

Sorry to hear about the knee. I totally had a similar injury a few years ago and it was rough the three weeks of not running.

Come to yoga with me! You can just lie around and breathe in the yin class. Your muscles will love it and it does help your running posture which may be a root cause to the knee injury too.

Avitable said...

I'm a 300-pound man who is proud of your ability to eat. Nice job!

Becky Mochaface said...

Fix that knee woman! And where does one buy a happy lamp?

Bridget said...

@Becky Mochaface I got mine for my birthday but I've seen them on Amazon! It's glorious. There's no windows in my office, so it's often my only form of "sunlight." And happiness, obvi.

Bridget said...

@Avitable I'm a natural.

Deidre said...

Inspector Climate is a runner. He doesn't run every day, but if he doesn't run 2-3 times a week he gets - weird. Yeah, I said it.

Hope you feel better soon!

rory said...

Hey- so you can't run.
What's so wrong with maybe ending up as a lonely, unemployed 300 pounder living on SSI in a run-down musty smelling trailer?
Whatever, right?
Did I help?

RKMurph said...

not sound like a broken record here, but...use the "arctic ease" wrap that is in your marathon bag. here is the link:

it's one of the best products to come out for runners. i wrap my shins and ankles after every run and they instantly begin to feel awesome.

try it out! if you didn't get one in your bag or didn't get the bag, you can find some online and at your local "stop and shop"

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

You may be a spaz, but I loved this post!

babs and crispi said...

i knew we should have sprung for the deluxe size happy lamp for your birthday!


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