"Happy Rapture! I don't know if you'll be here tomorrow but I sure as hell will be! If I don't see you, put in a good word for me!"
Me, to mom (Sunday 10:17 a.m.)
"So I haven't heard from you yet and it's making me a little nervous that maybe you DID get raptured and now I'm all alone with the heathens. You didn't leave me, did you? Don't worry, if it comes down to it, I am not above looting and/or killing a small child for the last loaf of bread. I'll be just fine."
Mom, to me (Sunday 2:01 p.m.)
"I'm just calling to let you know that I was on my way up to heaven when I realized that you definitely would not be a chosen one. So I begged and pleaded for them to send me back down. I made a deal that I would come up to Massachusetts to convert all those heathens you spend your time with. I'll be a Eucharistic Minister at that church. You know, the one down the street from you? THE ONE THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO. I assume I have a lot of hard work to do."Tweet