Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Things That I did at Slip 'n Slideapalooza

There was so much going on at Sunday's party and I was so busy flittering from group to group and filling my belly with rum punch that I couldn't even tell what it was that happened. It's like I missed my entire party. The next morning I had texts waiting from friends who couldn't making it expecting stories and I had to be all, "uhhhh ... well there was the ... with the keg ... but I think something about a child molester ... burning things in the fire pit ... and Bono was there ... with the drugs ... um I don't remember?"

Flipping through the camera the next morning, everyone began to let out collective groans as the night wore on before our eyes. Things got pretty weird. Pret-tay, pret-tay, preeet-tay weird. What I do remember was awesome. And also slightly horrifying. And since what does flash across my brain as memories can't really be strung together into cognizant paragraphs for your own reading enjoyment, I'm just going to spew what I know into a list. It's like if you were walking around the backyard in the dark and every so often flashing a camera and catching moments. That's pretty much what my brain feels like. What I do know for sure is that I woke up early the next morning suffering from a serious case of the shakes. It's Wednesday, I'm still having trouble forming complete sentences and my muscles are still sore. I thought I was in pretty good shape, but I guess one's body is never quite prepared for being hurled down a gigantic inflatable slip n' slide at alarming speeds over and over again. But the great thing about a slip 'n slide party is that the slip 'n slide is the great equalizer. Some people can out-drink, out-dance, or out-perform others in general party functions, but EVERYONE looks like a doofus flying down that slide.

So without further ado, Things That I Did at Slip 'n Slideapalooza:

1. Drunk dialed my grandmother.
2. Told a child molestation joke to the parents of all present neighborhood children which was, needless to say, not well received.
3. Was primarily responsible for the tearing of my father-in-law's shoulder.
4. Mercilessly made fun of a 12-year-old child after beating her in a slip 'n slide race.
5. Cheated while racing a 12-year-old child in a slip 'n slide race.
6. Vehemently denied cheating while racing a 12-year-old child in a slip 'n slide race.
7. Did an interpretive dance for my in-laws that went on far too long for most people's comfort.
8. Bullied my neighbors into agreeing to form a neighborhood party committee.
9. Appointed myself neighborhood party committee queen and crowned myself.
10. Forced my neighbor to go home to get zebra-printed duct tape "because it's an emergency!"
11. Used my neighbor's entire roll of zebra-printed duct tape to make wizard staffs out of beer cans.
12. Cheated in flip cup slip 'n slide races, affectionately dubbed "flip 'n slide."
13. Threw cups at my accuser when accused of cheating at flip 'n slide.
14. Ate off of my neighbor's plate of pasta salad with my hands.
15. Told my Ukranian neighbor that I suspect him of spying while admitting that for the first six months of living in Scituate I thought his name was "Conrad."
16. Passed out while still standing, legs flexed, leaning against my bed only to be found what we assume was hours later by friends.

There's about three other numbers that I just edited out of that list. And playas, you know it can't be pretty if I'm suddenly editing myself. If onnllllyy I had the power to filter my thoughts in real life. Oh, how different life could be. I'm not proud of all of it, but it happened. But knowing myself, it could have been a lot worse. And also, I'm pretty popular with the neighborhood now, so at least I've got that going for me. This is DEFINITELY going to be an annual event. WOO! SLIP 'N SLIDEAPALOOZA!


Becky Mochaface said...

Looks like an awesome time. And such a fun idea for a party.

Bridget said...

@Becky Everyone should have a Slip 'n Slideapalooza!


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