A conversation you don't want to have with your surgeon if your name is Bridget

Me: Can you just get in there and look closer at the hole? What about all this hypergranulation here? See that? It's hypergranulated.

Dr: Where did you learn that word?

Me: I could know that word.

Dr: Who have you been talking to?

Me: People ... who say ... nurses ... who are smart ... and know words.

Dr: I'm not overly concerned about those sections.

Me: Okay but when will it close? When will it be gone? I just ordered my first one-piece bathing suit because I've pretty much given up hope that it'll be healed in another month and I'm going on vacation.

Dr: That's good, because it won't be.

Me: Okay, well can I still go in the ocean? And the pool?

Dr: That'll be fine.

Me: And the sun?

Dr: Not the sun. Keep it covered at all times. And when it finally does close, you'll need to keep it out of the sun for two years.

Me: TWO YEARS?

Dr: Two years.

Me: So in the summer when I'm at the beach, which is where I am every weekend ...

Dr: Your stomach will be covered.

Me: But when I'm in a bikini ...

Dr: With your stomach covered.

Me: But when I'm working on my tan ...

Dr: Which you won't be.

Me: YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE.

Dr: On the plus side, you'll be able to run by then.

Me: So what is the exact time I can start running again?

Dr: By the end of April you can start easing into it.

Me: So the Boston Marathon is totally out then?

Dr: This appointment is over.

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