Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Diamonds are forever

Last night I was given tickets to the Phillies game. But not just any tickets, Diamond Club tickets.

I know, I was just as appalled as you are when they punched that little hole into Chase Utley's head. But I forgot all about it as soon as they slapped that red Diamond Club wrist band around our wrists and led us to our seats.

Let me tell you a little something about these seats. These seats were placed beautifully right behind home plate. If I had my camera with me last night, there would be an abundance of photos of these seats to share with you today, but I didn't have it, and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. But I will prevail for the sake of this blog.

These seats were so close I could see Chase Utley's muscles bulge with each swing of the bat. They weren't quite close enough for me to reach out and touch them, but they were definitely close enough for me to be able to jump the barrier and grab a handful of his butt before being apprehended by Citizens Bank Park security.

I was also definitely close enough to touch George Washington. Because zomg David Morse was there. SWEAR.TO.BLOG. Most of you know Morse as the man who most recently played George Washington in HBO's John Adams, but I know him as that tall dude I saw at the Phillies game last night.

The sight of David Morse launched B and I into a very important conversation. A conversation that every serious couple needs to have eventually. If you had the chance to sleep with one celebrity and have complete relationship immunity, who would it be?

Paul Rudd, that's who. So today begins Day One of wooing Paul Rudd.

But I digress. Ball park food. When you spend a lifetime in the nose bleed sections like B and I have done, you know that ball park food means questionable hot dogs, chewy french fries, and stale soft pretzels. But when you sit in the Diamond Club section, ball park food means questionable hot dogs, chewy french fries, and stale soft pretzels that are delivered right to your seat.

And if you can tear your eyes away from Chase Utley's butt long enough to leave your cushioned seat, you might also discover the Diamond Clubhouse Lounge, a place that Diamond Club members call "climate controlled," but everyone else calls "air conditioned." And inside the Diamond Clubhouse Lounge, you'll find an array of foods and beverages that have nothing whatsoever to do with baseball, such as sushi (?!), gourmet desserts (?!) fresh salads (?!) and gourmet sandwiches (?!).

And in the Diamond Clubhouse Lounge, Diamond Club members don't only drink overpriced domestic beers, they also drink overpriced imported beers, as well as mixed drinks, wine, and any kind of cocktail your gin-soaked brain can imagine. You'd think with such an abundance and variety of alcohol at a baseball game, Diamond Club members would be wasted a bit loosened up, but they weren't, because they're Diamond Club members. Except for that lady who fell up the stairs.

see more dog pictures

And now I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, even the Diamond Club bathrooms are nicer. Except I was pretty sure Diamond Club members would have a thorough understanding that when you sprinkle when you tinkle, you must be neat and wipe the seat. But apparently they do not.

B and I enjoyed every minute of our Phillies Diamond Club experience last night. And the fact that the the Phils crushed the Rockies was just as delicious. Next time, when we're back where we belong in the seats way up high, we'll look down on the Diamond Club with our binoculars, give a little wave to David Morse, zoom in on Chase Utley's butt, and smile.


Kater said...

oh hai, i just lost mai little mind in LOLs over this post. Thank you for posting about chase utley's butt, the diamond club, and drunk women falling (are you sure it wasn't me?!)!

RBL said...

i believe the correct term is "gluteus maximus."

Janelle said...

Chase's gluteus maximus is now indelibly fixed in my mind. said...

Wow that was surely an interesting place to be in. Are there movies at the moment that might have taken shots in that exclusive area? Your story makes me wanna hunt for flickr photos just to see how it looks like.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin