Today's the day. Today's the day the Phillies play their first game against the Rays in the World Series. And you know what that means. Today's the day I start writing in Phillies style. I'm talking in Phillies style too, but that's harder for the untrained ear to pick up on because, you know, ph sounds like f, and all. You've got to be listening really closely. That's how much I care.
And already people are all kinds of conphused and I think someone's crying in the bathroom because today I can walk through the ophphice and slap hands with people as I pass and be all WHAT'S UP YOU PHACK PHUCK? PHEELIN' GOOD TODAY? And people are all did she just call me fat? I dunno, did I? Or did I call you phat? Better pay attention with me today.
So how 'bout dem Phils? You know why the Phils deserve to win this series? Because Phillies phans deserve it more than the Tampa Bay phans. I mean, Tampa Bay phans? Did they even exist nine months ago? Did they recently migrate south in their Cadillac DeVilles while wearing phelt visors to keep that Phlorida sun out of their eyes? Because you know people who live in Tampa Bay drive Cadillac DeVilles and wear phelt visors. Who are they? Your grandmother? Is her name Bubby?
People who live in Phlorida make me nervous. Because they drive Cadillac DeVilles and wear phelt visors and eat rice pudding after lunch every day. And there's this guy. He lives in Phlorida. And what does he do? He draws pictures of his penis all day. And seriously? Phlorida? That's where people go to drive their Cadillac DeVilles and wear their phelt visors and eat their rice pudding and draw penises and die.
You know why else the Phillies deserve to win?
And just like their phans, the Phillies are scrappy. They're the dog that's been kicked around a bit, and now he's strutting down the street ready to bite your baby's face. Only he wouldn't, because he's a classy mongrel all the same. A classy mongrel with a great butt. But starting tonight, they'll hump the Tampa Bay Rays' heads just like Rooney humps my grandmother's leg.
LETS GO PHILS.