I'm trying reaallly hard to be productive today. But it's Friday and my shoes are too tight and there's someone with a leaf blower standing outside my window laughing at all the idiots inside this building he's enraging right now but we can't do anything about it because we're the ones stuck behind computers all day and he's the one with the leaf blower. Blowing things.
And while we're on the topic of things being blown, my mind has been totally blasted this week trying to catch up with all the awesome new blogs on my list and OH YEA THE PHILLIES.
[Sidenote: What did you think I was going to say? You were rolling up your sleeves 'cause you thought it was about to get a little dirty over here, didn't you? Well, Frankie says relax.]
First things first: The Phillies are in the World Series. THE PHILLIES ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES. THE PHILLIES ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES.
THIS. IS. HUGE. For those of you from Philadelphia, I don't think I need to explain. For those of you from anywhere else, you now have the opportunity to see Chase Utley's butt, and don't think I don't know that's exactly what you were thinking. I read my stats, people. I see what you're searching. In which case, welcome, butt watchers. I hope you find Yellaphant meets your needs. And really, while we're on the topic, I think that's pretty awesome. I don't know how many other bloggers can say the Google searches that bring readers to their site more than any other terms are butt-related, notably Chase Utley's butt and butt sweat. Which is great because it's good clean fun but it's still a slightly naughty, depending on your opinions of butts. And so far, I haven't seen anyone come in searching for anything not clean, like girl on dog porn, which is probably because I never talk about porn, in which case, maybe I should consider expanding my topics to bring in more readers. Thoughts?
But anyway, in honor of this momentous occasion in Philadelphia history -- THE PHILLIES ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES -- I've decided that from the beginning of the series until the end, all posts here will be written in Phillies style. What does that mean? Every F will now be a PH. How annoying will this be? Incredibly. But how will we know if you're describing something as fat or phat? It will be difficult. And only the most intelligent of you will succeed. I take pity on the rest of you.
This idea, of course, was inspired by my friend Caitlin, who recently received a Facebook message from her old college soccer coach. Awkward? Very. And in this message he described her rise to college soccer glory as a "pheel good story." It kind of made me cringe. And now I'm all yes perfect way to show my Phillies spirit while simultaneously making all of my readers want to shove a fork in their eyes. Or just stop reading. Whatever.
And as I'm writing this I'm also chatting with Caitlin and I'm like Caitlin I'm totally calling you out in my post today and she's like that's cool, I haven't been called out in a while and I'm like no, not calling you out calling you out, just using your for my benefit. And she was a little disappointed because she's a bit scrappy. So in the spirit of making Caitlin happy on this sunny Friday, YO CAITLIN I AM CALLING YOU OUT. ME, YOU, THE PARKING LOT BY THE DAYCARE CENTER NEXT TO THE CONVENT OF OUR ALL GIRL CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH NOON. I WILL CUT YOU.
But anyway, you don't have to worry about the ph nonsense yet, just be warned because it's coming. Oh yes, it's coming.
Now that that's out of my system, you're probably wondering when the vagina part comes in. I would like to draw everyone's attention to my favorite blog of the week: The Wind in Your Vagina. I know, right? This blog isn't actually about a vagina, its about the things that came out of a vagina. It's a Daddy Blog.
And now you're all, what in the heck do you have in common with a father of two young kids? Well, I have a dog who I treat like like my child and sometimes when he barks he sounds like he's talking. Close enough. That, and Black Hockey Jesus makes me laugh so hard I snarf. He mixes his talent of fabulous writing and almost pushing the envelope humor to create this marvelous mix of story telling and fathering. And can you seriously not want to read something written by someone who calls himself the Black Hockey Jesus? Like, WTF?
And now the future father of my children is in a world of trouble because whenever we're presented with childing conundrums he's going to be getting an earful of WWBHJD? and why, oh why can't you be more like Black Hockey Jesus? as I sob into my pillow.