Monday, June 23, 2008

You certainly didn't mean to come here but I hope you enjoyed your stay

I was browsing over my blog stats recently when I noticed that everyone except my mom many people who come to my blog don't mean to come at all are brought here by Google. And many of those people are actually looking for some freak ass rather different things.

Some of you may not know this, but with certain stat trackers, I can sometimes see what people have Google searched to reach this blog. And now that you know that you might be gasping and stomping your feet and dialing the appropriate authorities but whatevs, I'm in ur privacy laws, invadin' ur space.

A while back the guys at Not Hating Just Saying did some not hating on the people who find their site by Google searching odd shit. And today I thought I'd do some not hating of my own. Because I'm certainly not hating. In fact, I love that people are landing here when searching for things like "skid marks," "missing stomach lining," and "body paint." Here's a little ode to my current favorites.

"chase utley butt" - This is just one of the many variations of searches that include the word butt that brought people to this blog. I kid you not when I tell you that the large percentage of people coming here looking for various happenings of the heinie brings me great joy. This particular search by someone who was most likely looking for pictures or maybe even articles on Chase Utley's firm little fanny brought them instead to Diamonds are forever. It's OK, I like butts too. You people are sick and I loves it.

"stop butt sweat" - Another butt-related Google search brought a new reader to Let's talk about butt sweat, baby, the post on my pre-Bonnaroo excitement. This butt search makes keister perspiration sound like a serious issue for activist groups. Stop racism. Stop war. Stop butt sweat. I know I probably shouldn't be laughing at a serious condition such as problem butt sweating, but I have so little self control. And I assure you its not the suffering, embarrassment, or desperation that makes me laugh, it's just the butt part.

"funny excuses for being fat" - This introduced someone out there to my Being fat and ugly is no excuse for being rude post, my own little hating on the sexism of two certain Philadelphia radio talk show hosts. I won't get in to who, but their names sound like Mangelo Mataldi and Moward Meskin. I find this one amusing because it immediately brings images of my college roommates to mind. My eight girlfriends and I delighted in our bi-weekly trips to the grocery store, concocting new and interesting recipes, and most of all sitting together around the kitchen table talking, giggling, and inhaling everything within reach snacking. For us, meals were as much of our joint college experience as binge drinking socializing studying very, very hard.

"reduce the need for poo" - I don't really have any idea what this person might have been actually looking for, but they found Reduce the poo. When I said poo, I meant waste, as in wastefulness, but found it difficult to word that without making it sound like excrement. So I just went with it. Maybe this person was looking for home remedies for self-inflicted constipation. Or figuring out a poop-free way of life. I guess you could also say this could be filed under the butt category. Boy, that list is sure growing.

"Bill Subers" - With this one, I do believe I just caught my uncle oogling Googling himself. Got some free time over there, Uncle Bill? But instead of finding himself, he found the story I wrote on his father, my poppop, in The Dollhouse. I also assume that if he reads this post, possibly finding it after his next self-Google, he will feel his privacy has been sufficiently violated. I'm watching you, uncle. I'm watching.

Stay tuned for future editions of You certainly didn't mean to come here but I hope you enjoyed your stay.

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