Playtex is the president of my va jay jay

If I've learned one thing from you, my readers reader, it's that you love when I make out with your dad. Twice. You also sort of like when I get engaged. But mostly, making out with your dad really does it for you.

I know this because I've established a complicated monitoring system involving quantitative measurements of your ages, likes, dislikes, favorite fruits, and bra sizes I read your comments.

That's just a little something I picked up at BlogHer D.C. It's called stalk know your readers. There were tons of other things I learned while there too, like Mommy Bloggers are taking over the world, one baby at a time. And if you want these Mommy Bloggers to pay attention to you, just blog about their ugly babies. Works every time.

And I already told you about how I rushed to the BlogHer Playtex booth thinking I was about to sweep the whole table and stock up on free tampons but all they were giving out were baby bottles. Which is great because surprise I'm pregnant! does nothing for me because I'm in the market for tampons, not baby bottles.

But then yesterday I came home to a big Fed Ex box on my front porch and I was all there better not be another bloody horse head in here. And inside was a present. For me.

And a card, which reads:

Bridget - On behalf of the Playtex team, we wanted to make your dream of tampon freebies a reality. While it's not a year supply, you should know that these tampons are VIP and custom wrapped in Yellaphant ribbon!

And when I unwrapped these boxes, I found the most wonderful cornucopia of tampons and female products that would bring tears of joy to any menstruating woman's eyes.

Some of you unfamiliar with the concept or practice of shoving things up your va jay jay tampons might not understand the significance of VIP tampons, but if you'll look closely and ignore the blurriness because hello, drunk on free tampons, you'll see these tampons are the Playtex Gentle Glide variety. And that, my friends mom, is indeed VIP.

So now I'm all OH MY GAH, PLAYTEX, MARRY ME. And also, how exactly do you get on this Playtex team and do you have try outs and I'm really good at doing figure eights on my bicycle so you should totally let me join unless being on the team involves arm wrestling which I'm not so great at.

So Playtex, I hereby elect you as President of my va jay jay. Congratulations. Let's wrap ourselves in Yellaphant ribbon and have some fun.

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