Yesterday I got a phone call at work.
B: Oh my god. Oh. My. God.
me: What? Are you okay? Are you home?
B: I'm covered in shit.
me: What? Shit? Like poop? You're covered in shit?
B: YES. I am covered in shiiiit. I was walking Rooney and we were walking through the real woodsy part of the trail when he ran over to this pile of stuff and started eating it. Like inhaling this crap. So I ran over and started pulling it out of his mouth. And he was squirming and then I realized it was poop and it is all over me. Oh my god I can smell it. It's overwhelming. I think I'm going to puke. STOP LAUGHING.
me: I'm sorry. I'm not laughing.
B: You are laughing and if this happened to you and I laughed at you, you would cut me and you know it.
me: Damn right I would cut you.
B: I'm seriously going to puke. I tried to wipe it off and it's not coming off. This is disgusting.
me: Where are you now? Are you almost home?
B: No. We're still about two miles away. Oh my god I need Purell. I want to bathe in it.
me: Don't touch anything when you get home. Don't touch the doorknobs. Use your shirt. Ew, you're going to get poop all over the place.
B: My hands. I'll never be clean again. I'm going to smother your face with my poop hands if you don't stop laughing at me. Oh and now Rooney is puking. That's what you get for eating shit, dude.
So I walked home for lunch and opened all the doors and turned on the shower so B wouldn't have to touch anything with his poop hands because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's poop on my doorknobs. When B got home, there was poop caked into his nail beds. You know what your mechanic's hands look like? How you know he goes home and he can never truly clean all the black from his fingers? That was what B's hands looked like. Only the black stuff was more of a dark brown. And also it was poop. And then I was like dude, remember the time Hurley ran away and when he came back he smelled like toxic waste and then when we were in the car he projectile vomited the neighbor's compost heap all over the back seat and I had to drive home with my head out the window because it smelled so bad? This is almost as bad as that day. And B was all I love dogs.
And THAT is why if your dog wants to eat shit, you should probably just let him because he's gonna puke it all up anyway and if you're really lucky, it'll be in the car, which is awesome.