Monday, March 2, 2009

I guess I kind of talk about my vagina a lot

The other day I went out to a nice dinner with a group of girlfriends from work and, naturally, the conversation migrated exactly where you would expect it to in a restaurant with plush chairs and $17 glasses of wine: wild sex. And hello, B's mom, nice of you to stop by today.

And, of course, it was only inevitable that our discussion would lead us down the path to the lady doctor topic because when you're sharing va-jay-jay stories at the fancy dinner table you might as well go all the way, no? And if you're a lady, you inevitably have a lady doctor story. Because how can you lie in an examining room with someone's hand up your hooha and not have a few things to talk about regarding that particular hand and/or hooha?

And this is the part where B shuts his laptop exasperation because I'm talking about my vagina on the Internet again BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT POSTING PICTURES. Because that would be so gross. Unless that's something you're into, in which case I can totally do it.

Anyway. The lady doctor. I usually get all awkward and try to make some jokes because it just feels so wrong to go all the way to third without much of more than a hello. And I suppose humor isn't really the way to go when your feet are in stirrups or IF YOUR DOCTOR HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR because that just usually makes it that much more awkward. Like telling jokes on stage when no one in the audience laughs and also you have no pants.

And this is the part where all the men who are reading this are getting a little uncomfortable because this is not turning out to be the type of post they had originally envisioned when they started reading and stirrups? Really?

And the last time I was in for a checkup I got all awkward when the practitioner kept asking me to move down. A little bit more. A little bit more. So I started babbling about how we used to make fun of my friend in college because she hated whenever we said the word scoot because it reminded her of the gynecologist because that's the word her doctor would always use to get her to move down the table. Scoot scoot. And the lady totally didn't get it and how can you even try to explain a story that's already awkward to begin with because you're talking about how awkward you feel at the gyno to the gyno as she's digging around down there?

After reviewing this post, I'm pretty sure talking about visits to the gyno should totally be off the list for things that are acceptable to blog about.

In other news, it's March 2 and Jesus is totally punishing me by dumping six inches of snow on Philadelphia right now. ENOUGH WITH THE WINTER CRAP ALREADY. But I guess you know what they say about March: In like an asshole and out like an asshole because March still fecking sucks.

9 comments:

iconjohn said...

A few years back during the Sex and City days I used to hang with a bunch of non prudish girls and was included in on many Nasty Girl talks. Only thing different was that wine was about $11 then.

Falko said...

TMI! TMI! TMI!...and March sucks?! St. Patrick should take a dump on your chest for that.

Anonymous said...

And again, getting stared at for crying/laughing at my desk...

So when are we having the ‘party’ that was proposed from that dinner?? HAHAH

pj said...

Once you have a kid, the va jaja talk is nothing unless of course you are talking about birthing. Gotta love philly

Amanda said...

"In like an asshole, out like an asshole" = AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

HAHA if only those readers who feel uncomfortable now knew what ELSE was discussed at that dinner. They'd be glad this was all you wrote about...

Bridget said...

Notice how all the coworker girlfriends are anonymous. I totally don't blame you. I would not want people to know I went around talking about my vagine either. Except that I write blog posts about it so so much for that, eh?

Hilary said...

I, for one do not think it was TMI, I thought it was hilarious. I am also one of those patients that has to be told to "move down" like 900 times per visit. My legs also tend to tremble the whole time like a nervous Greyhound. Hmm, maybe I should blog about that?!

Avitable said...

You should see if B wants to take high-res photos of your cervix and post them on the internet like that post I linked to the other day. I love vaginas, but that was taking it a bit too far.

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