Monday, April 6, 2009

Bread of Life: where all the Mennonites eat their meals. Except for Sundays because it's closed. I guess that should be kind of obvious.

Yesterday my mom and I planned a trip out to country to visit our old friend Donna again. And in case you don't remember last summer's trip, when I say country, I mean oh my gah don't stare but that weird looking car is being pulled by a HORSE.

Also, when you drive past people on the road, they all WAVE at you. Like they're happy to just SEE you or something. What is UP with all the niceness?

And since last time we used directions from MapQuest and they only took us as far as the little bumpkin town and we were left on our own to drive past corn field after rolling green hill after corn field to find her exact address on our own because apparently MapQuest hates the country, we took B's new GPS system with us this time. But after a few hours Sylvia, our GPS system, was all turn left, turn left, turn left, turn left, redirecting, redirecting, redirectingzzzzzzzzzzzkz because apparently Sylvia hates the country too.

But then, thanks to a sign from God, we found Donna's house. Because Donna lives right next door to the hottest restaurant in town.

And apparently a restaurant named The Bread of Life would be a big hit in a town like this because that's the type of town this is. And Donna explained that it's really quite delightful because while you eat, there are hymns playing over the speaker system and all different kinds of religious paraphernalia hanging from the walls and no comment. And also no comment. And really, no comment.

Because really? You think I need one more way to damn myself to hell? I'm all WWJD? Hell if I know. Do I look like a tall bearded man with questionable skin color? But if I were Jesus and I happened across this restaurant I'd be all FECK YEA how 'bout ya'll scramble me up the Me breakfast platter with some mustard seed? With a side of New Testament fruit salad and you say you don't have wine? That's cool just bring me a few barrels of water, I'll take care of it and I HOPE THAT'S NOT LAMB I SEE ON THAT MENU. I AM THE LAMB OF GOD MOTHERFECKERS. Then I'd probably rob them.

And then Donna started talking about her son.

My mom: So what's new with Eric?

Donna: Eric? Well I finally asked him if he was gay because why else would someone be single at 42?

Mom: No ...

Donna: Apparently he's not but he keeps saying he wants to have a baby and I told him he better get busy because he's getting up there and does he want to have an idiot child?

Mom: Oh my ...

Donna: But you know Eric. He'll do it his own way.

Mom: Well ...

Me: Wow. I can't wait until I'm old. There's really no filter up there is there?

Donna: Never was, darling.

I have GOT to get this woman to my wedding. She'll be more entertaining than the band.


Chatham said...

I am dying over here, so farking funny. Seriously, I need a tissue.

Lora said...

this is awesome!

Jesus would totally divert his eyes from the graven images of himself and his mother that hung upon the walls and then go home and cry because his deathbed (because that is what the cross is, right?) was plastered all over the place.

I have mad sympathy for Jesus.

He sees a lot of BS on a day in day out basis.

pj said...

Holy sweet baby Jesus!

hippo brigade said...

I'm pretty sure Jesus would say all those things, but maybe not the MOTHERFECKER part, because I'm pretty sure with his Aramaic accent would pronounce it like, Matherfickerrr

52 Faces said...

Good Stuff! Boy am I glad I surfed over here from Chatham's twentysomething page! I came over b/c you mentioned pups, and being a new dog mom, I'm obsessed over anything dog-related.

Deidre said...

As a Jew, I ask what would moses do?

Yesterday, I was walking around uni carrying a bowl of Pho trying not to spill it because that stuff is HOT looking for a seat. And all these people were on soapboxes in the court yard of the union house praising the baby jesus, amen. Which each to their own, but as i continued walking I past by a group of students doing a frozen statue representation of the cruxification - i don't think that's a real word, apologies. True story.

rory said...

Mennonites is a kind of steak, right? I think I've had it before.


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