Friday, May 1, 2009

UPDATED: Dear swine flu, get over yourself.

Everyone loves a little mass hysteria every once and a while, myself included, but this whole swine flu thing pretty much just makes me want to punch people in their swine flu mask-wearing faces.

Yeah I know, holy shit it's a fecking pandemic, but so is the regular flu, which ... wait a minute ... is the SAME EXACT THING. Let's take a look at the symptoms of swine flu: fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills, fatigue, and if you're really lucky diarrhea and vomiting. Which is INSANE, compared to the regular flu symptoms: fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills, fatigue, and if you're really lucky diarrhea and vomiting. HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE.

Did you know that in a year's normal two flu seasons -- we're talking one per hemisphere -- there are between 3 and 5 million cases of the regular flu, with up to 500,000 deaths worldwide (36,000 in the U.S. alone) as a result? So far, there have been 331 reported cases of the swine flu with 13 deaths (12 of which are in Mexico) according to CNN at the time this blog post was written.

But apparently the swine flu is so awesome even the celebs are getting a piece of it a la Heidi Montag and accessory Spencer Pratt from that show that was on MTV or something.

That said, B came home with a few flu-like symptoms last night after spending the day teaching a bunch of germy kids how to swing a tennis racquet and we were all IT'S THE SWINE FLU, MOTHAFLIPPAS and every time he coughed I was all I'd appreciate it if you NOT infect me with your nasty pig germs, but it turns out it was just a sunburn.

So you know what, swine flu? Get over yourself, you ebola virus wannabe. And for everyone out there wondering if you possibly have a case of the piggy cough, step away from the WebMD and may gah have mercy on your soul.


UPDATE: My office just went out and bought Purell Hand Sanitizer for everyone in the building to combat the swine flu. This is so annoying I'm actually going to go out, contract swine flu, come back in, and lick everyone's keyboard. I might even lick a few faces for good measure. WHAT NOW, HEALTH INSURANCE?

16 comments:

Bradford Pearson said...

I had to go to a middle school at 7 am today where a suspected swine flu kid was. Not sure if I caught it, but just in case, better break out my Jason Vorhees mask.

Lora said...

Bwahahaha. All of this.

Amanda said...

I heart you. Especially for that second photo.

lucklys said...

i almost wanted to gag at that picture of the kid licking the pig, but there's something so endearing about it, haha

i'm sick of this swine stuff, let's find a new disease to be excited about!

Well Read Hostess said...

Heidi and Spencer need bigger masks, like whole head covering masks SO I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THEM AGAIN.

BillFoxeveryone said...

Everyone don’t trip over the Knowledge That Yellaphant just dropped.

Suzanne said...

hahahaaaaa! i laughed so hard when i saw that picture of heidi & spencer that i started coughing... then i looked at it again and vomitted a little... uh oh.

rory said...

I loves a good Yellaphant rant.

Deidre said...

Speidi is disgusting - fame whores for sure.

I am sickly - and everyone I talk to is all "swine flu" and I'm like "dudes, I sound like man this is clearly a case of laryngitis come down." I refuse to listen to news or read about the swine flu. Denial works for me.

b's mom said...

b's probably hoping it's the swine flu so he can stay home for a few days and curl up in his snuggie.
you can drink tea and read and other cool stuff without taking your snuggie off, you know!!!!!

birdykins said...

Hahaha I love it! I work at a health clinic so, believe me, I am on the front line for annoyance. I went to see crappy Wolverine last night and someone started coughing my friend really really wanted to scream out SWINE FLU but I told her it might start a riot.

Vicky - Anticelebrity.net said...

this is too funny! on PerezHilton, there's even Lisa Rinna reconning that she got it before it became trendy!
Love the pig and child pic!!

Bradford Pearson said...

I'm really hoping that the swine flu and avian flu combine to create a flying pig flu. Then every one can stop using that "When pigs fly" expression.

Falko said...

You licked my face once. Even then, it was not appreciated.

Kelly said...

I am eating fruit salad whilst reading you and I just laughed a bit of strawberry onto this here keyboard.

I try really hard not to wish some people dead, but I have no shame in wishing some final fate befall flesh-beard and his sidekick.

Trina said...

you are wonderful. thank you for being snarky and full of COMMON SENSE! :)

around my work anytime anyone sniffles or coughs or anything, telling them they have flying pig flu. Cause you know that this is just some horrific mutation of the bird flu trying yet again to wipe out the human race. :)

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