Friday, September 18, 2009

Houston, we have a pooping problem

So remember when I went on that little kick of talking about poop a lot? I have a dog. Poop comes as a perfectly natural conversation topic for me. If picking up poop with a plastic bag was part of your daily life, I assume it would be natural for you too. And while we're on the topic of dog poop, let's talk about people poop.

Is anyone still out there? I can hear people collectively clicking the UNFOLLOW button and drafting letters to my mother about what a crass little girl I am. AND AT LEAST I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY HOOHAH AGAIN. You should be thanking me.

Anyway, some people hate pooping at work. I am not one of those people. But since I've made that perfectly clear, Yellaphant has gotten a daily influx of people with pooping problems looking for solutions on the Internet. And since we're talking about Googling potential medical issues, NO, IT'S NOT NORMAL. IT'S CALLED CRABS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND CALL A DOCTOR.

And this is the part where all of my future in-laws shake their heads sadly because really? He had his pick of all those girls and he chose the one who can't shut up about poop? It's totally natural, you guys. I'm like the "Everyone Poops" of the interwebs.

Over the past few months, I've collected some of my favorite pooping Google searches that have brought people here, and narrowed down my favorites in this top 10 list. And yes, there were many, many, MANY more that did not make the list. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

1. Bitch poops at work - Bitches poop too, yo.
2. why can't i poop at work? - Stage fright?
3. rich people poop too - So do bitches.
4. moms pooping at work - And moms.
5. NO POOPING SIGN for office - I really hope this is not someone from my office.
6. Someone In My Office is Pooping - Again, I hope this is not someone from my office.
7. he pooped on me - Get out. Just get out right now.
8. poop on floor - I've heard a startling amount of stories about disgruntled workers pooping on office bathroom floors. Including at my own office. I don't even know what to say to that.
9. how does god make poop? - I'm pretty sure that God shits babies. That's how it works, right?
10. I am going to fucking poop everywhere - Good luck to you, sir.

What were these people doing before the Internet was invented? Who were they asking these very important questions? Were there poop fetish meet-and-greets? With the lack of some kind of anonymous outlet, were people inadvertently blurting out "he pooped on me!" after a few too many cosmos at happy hour with the girls?

And who do I have to show my boobies to to get some NORMAL Google searches every once in a while? Because every time I swear off writing about poop forever, someone else pops into my analytics with a whammy of a poop search and I just can't help myself.


BillFoxeveryone said...

hahah Poop is definitely the money post. For any of my friends in relationships I like to mention to the guy that his girlfriend prolly poops a lot. And if he gets that image and he stays, then its meant to be.

lori said...

Last Christmas I gave that book to my boyfriend. Awesome book.

RuthWells said...

Lord have mercy.

That is all!

LaurMo said...

fuzzy.... i hope you are aware that this is my favorite book. and i am not even joking. i give it to everyone who has a baby and well i read it to my stinkers at school... this biggest shitters ever :)

Jackie said...

Lolz! Seriously, you are the most hilarious person EVER. Can we be bff's? You'll be the funny one (obvi) and I will be the one standing around laughing constantly and annoyingly at everything you say? Oh, and decorating your house too, I gotta pull my weight somehow.

Emily said...

bridy, you never cease to make me giggle like a 6 year old at the mention of poop. and dear god, that list, i almost pooped my pants reading it from laughing so hard! but don't tell anyone, k?

Business Cards said...

Haha! Oh my goodness, poop has got to be the funniest word ever. :D And hey, everyone poops, okay? It ain't weird!

Jen@ricochet said...

Woohoo! THat was a fun read! Thank you! I don't think I've laughed that hard reading blogs ever!


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