B: Rooney caught a mole today.
Me: WHAT? HOW DID HE DO THAT?
B: Well, I think it was already dead. It was lying in the overgrown area of the neighbors front yard.
Me: What did he DO with it?
B: He just kind of tossed it around a little bit, and then I think he realized it was dead so he put it back.
Me: He tossed it around? How did he toss something that big around?
B: Big? I said it was a mole.
Me: B, moles are big. They're like the size of groundhogs only they're darker and have no eyes and have big creepy front claws for digging. And also they wear yellow construction helmets just in case there's ever an underground tunnel collapse.
B: Um, no. They're the size of mice and they have squinty little eyes and they're kind of cute because they look like tiny old men.
Me: No way, dude. Didn't you ever see that cartoon mole on Winnie the Pooh? He was totally up to Christopher Robin's waist. Moles are big.
B: You're taking biology lessons from an episode of a cartoon show you saw 20 years ago? Do you think Disney draws all their animals to scale? Did you also think mice walked on two legs and wore suspenders, and that your pet turtle would turn into a 6-foot tall ninja if you exposed it to radioactive waste? What is wrong with you?
Me: No, I don't think it was drawn to scale. If a mole came up to my waist, it wouldn't be a mole, it would be a Rodent of Unusual Size. Duh. They slightly exaggerated the mole in Winnie the Pooh. Because moles are the size of rabbits.
B: I can't wait for you to run home and Wikipedia this so you see how wrong you are.
So then I did. And according to Wikipedia, moles are 15 cm long WHICH PROVES NOTHING because I don't speak centimeters but I'm pretty sure that's still bigger than a mouse. So I win by default, obviously.
P.S. Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.