Thursday, September 10, 2009

The post in which I break up with my boyfriend, Farmer Al

I'd like to introduce you all to someone very special to me, Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac.

Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac knows all sorts of things that I wonder about every day as a farmer the farthest thing from a farmer, such as when to plant my corn, what to do about tomato rot, the astronomical calendar, how to plan my outfits according to the long-range weather forecasts.

Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac always gives me the perfect excuse to go shopping because a brief spell of cool is headed towards the Northeast and I don't have a THING to wear.

But here's the thing. As everyone living in the Northeast knows, this spring and much of this summer was a complete wash out. It rained and rained and rained. And just when you thought the sun was finally going to come out, it rained some more. Then some time around mid-July, just as I was walking towards the window to throw myself out of it, the clouds cleared and summer finally began. But don't you think for a second that meant the rain was through.

There's been so much rain this year, I told myself, SURELY we're going to have a dry fall. SURELY there can't be more rain coming. SURELY we're in the clear for a warm, sunny wedding day.

But I've been nervous. Too nervous to turn to my old friend Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac. I didn't want to see what he had to say. I wanted to think that things would stay dry.

But finally, my curiosity got the best of me. As I imagined all of the beautiful photographs we're going to be taking OUTSIDE by the water, with the sun shimmering above; in the city, with the sun's warm rays reflecting from the skyscraper windows; and in the park, with the breathtaking sunset, with the sun, with the sun, with the sun, I had to know. What does Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac predict for September 26?


I'm not gonna lie, I'm not proud of it, but there were some mean words thrown around. I said some things I can't take back. But until Farmer Al The Farmer's Almanac tells me there will be sun on September 26, I just can't talk to him. I won't. And if gah doesn't give me a sunny day for my wedding present, then we are THROUGH. DO YOU HEAR ME? THROUGH.

Now, it's currently overcast and a brisk 62 degrees in Philadelphia IN SEPTEMBER. Who needs a hot toddy?


Bridget said...

"Rain on your wedding day is good luck" ..BULLSHIT..its not good luck, it sucks..anyone who says this is lying!

Hope it doesn't rain! But then again, it would be kinda cool to have wedding pictures where all of the bridesmaids mascara is running!

rory said...

Miss Carol and me have been married since the dawn of time and it rained so much on our wedding day that Miss Carol was worried about riding the motorcycle to the hotel.
Rain is definitely good luck!

Fragrant Liar said...

I think you need to break things off with Farmer Al until he can get his shit together and quit being so negative.

Amanda said...

You are hilarious. I was obsessed with the Farmer's Almanac when I was getting married.


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