Thursday, September 3, 2009

The post in which I confess to being a gluttunous Fatty McFatterson

If you know me, you know that I'm hungry, like, all the time. I'm talking from the moment I get out of bed in the morning to the moment I go to sleep at night, there's an 87 percent chance that I'm thinking about my next meal. The other 13 percent is usually reserved for dog poop and wedding seating arrangements. That's what my life has become. Food, dog poop, and wedding seating arrangements.

Anyway. Since I run a lot (and also because I lack a thing most people like to call "self control"), I pretty much let myself eat whatever I want whenever I want, to an extent, because you don't want to cross me when I'm hungry.

When I'm jonesin' for some munchies for more than 30 minutes at a time, my head starts to hurt and I usually start to feel a little woozy. I would totally suck at being a third world child because I absolutely would have eaten my younger brother by now. Desperation knows no bounds when all you can think about it a giant plate of spaghetti you're about to face plant into as soon as you get home from work.

So last night, when B and I decided to push dinner back a few hours so we could take Rooney to the dog park, I knew I'd have to be exercising some major self control to get myself to dinner time. Naturally, when we were finally driving home from the park an hour later, I was so hungry I couldn't think straight.

We decided B would drop me off at home so I could bathe the dog who had spent a good portion of his time at the park rolling in dog shit, while he went to Chipotle and picked up some massive burritos STAT. I wrote down exactly what I wanted AND FOR THE LOVE OF GAH HURRY, MAN. AND DON'T FORGET THE CHIPS. Like I said, food and dog poop. And seating arrangements.

When B got back, he was smiling smugly and was all "there is no way you are ever going to eat even half of this burrito." And I was all "WATCH ME" because by then everything was going dark and I'm pretty sure I could hear Michael Jackson's angelic voice telling me to just close my eyes and step into the light.

And now I really wish I had taken a picture of the two burritos to compare them because mine was literally twice the size and four times the weight of B's, easily. But I didn't take a picture because I was too busy devouring it like a starving hyena devours a day-old antelope caracass as soon as B placed it on the table.

I assure you, this is no exaggeration. That burrito weighed as much as a small child. A small, warm, delicious smelling child filled with chicken and corn and rice and guacamole and sour cream and lettuce and onions and green peppers and crack cocaine because when I bit into that burrito, it was like biting into a rainbow filled with puppies and unicorns.

And I ate the whole thing. And then I ate the bag of chips B also brought home. And then I decided to make cookies because it was possible that there might be a millimeter of space left in my stomach that wasn't taken up by crack cocaine rainbow puppy unicorn. And half a bowl of cookie dough and two cookies later, I couldn't move. I had finally eaten myself into a near coma. Like I said, utter lack of self control.

Hello my name is Bridget, and I am a gluttonous Fatty McFatterson.


Conor said...

have you been checked for worms?

Bridget said...

Hmm..sounds familiar? Steve is always perplexed by the amount of food I consume. I just blame it on the Farrell genes though..

Sole Matters said...

your post cracked me up. Those burritos ARE like crack! i am a 5'2" 110lb girl and I can eat a huge burrito just like that, no problem! although, i would not have room for chips and cookies..

Heather Nicole said...

MMMMmmmm burittos :D

If it makes you feel better (and it probably won't) I went for a nice long uphill walk (because I AM a fatty mcfatterson) and then I walked in the door sat on the couch and ate a bowl of ice cream.

Because I, like you, have no self control.

BillFoxeveryone said...

Heard a great quote the other day "I have trouble distinguishing between boredom and hunger"

Bridget said...

@Conor, not yet, but I will once I start pulling Chipotle burritos out of the trash can

Jackie said...

3 cheers for no self control! Hip-hip-hooray! hip-hip-hooray! hip-hip-hooray!

rory said...

You could wrap poop in a warm tortilla and I'd eat four of 'em.
Self control is waaaay over-rated.

Amanda said...

Welcome to my life.

hippo brigade said...

See, the thing that makes me hate you a lot is that you're not a fatty mc fatterson, you're tiny. and I want to kick you in the tiny stomach.
I'm insanly jealous, because I used to be tiny, then I got pregnant. and the tinyness faded away with my hopes and dreams of ever becoming a world famous supermodel.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bridget, it's Adam, don't feel bad...just remember "The meal isn't over when you're full, it's over when you hate yourself."

Shelley Greenberg said...

Um, we love Chipotle. And no, I haven't started talking entirely in "we's" but Chipotle has been a central part of A and my relationship from the start. I can throw back a fully loaded burrito from Chipotle ANY TIME OF THE DAY. I could go for one right now. Mmm... lime cilantro rice.

Falko said...

Is this the blog post in which all of your readers won't feel bad when you all of the sudden inform everyone that B has backed out of your engagement after mentally digesting what he witnessed that night?


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