Tuesday, September 22, 2009

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

It's officially a frenzy, ya'll.

Today is my last day of work for TWELVE blissful days. But because of that, there's a butt load of stuff I have to do before I shoot out of here like a bat out of hell at exactly 5:30 this afternoon. No, make it 5:29. Because THAT'S how I roll during wedding week.

So for the past two days, I've been working my arse off to make sure everything still functions at the office while I'm gone.

First, I had print up an entire list of things for all of our visitors to do once they got to Philadelphia, in case they have any time to kill. Step one: Walk out hotel door, turn right, enter bar, drink.

Then, I had to walk around the office and steal a bunch of boxes so I have something to put all those Welcome Bags in when I take them down to the hotel tomorrow. This proved harder than anticipated when I found I was competing with the office cleaning lady who was collecting boxes to organize a book drive for the children at her church or something equally inconsequential like that but drop that box, bish, 'cause I will unleash the pain.

Then, I had to finalize the menu for Thursday's rehearsal dinner. And help coordinate my Friday afternoon of manis, pedis, and lunch with my bridesmaids. And finalize where everyone is sitting AND NO YOU CANNOT SIT NEXT TO GAMMY, FALKO. And make lists. Lots and lots of to-do lists. And check the weather every 13 minutes. And don't forget about all those e-mails and text messages I've had to reply to telling people that YES I AM so excited for the tornado of love that is about to descend on Philadelphia.

I've had to call B at least four times already today. Once because he had a color question. Once because I needed to remind him to pick up more gift bags and what do you mean they don't have orange? Once to ask him how to spell a name. And once to do I don't know what because I forgot was I was going to say when he picked up the phone.

And now I need a drink. It's noon o'clock somewhere.

I think the office is going to be okay while I'm gone. And if they're not, at least I won't have cell service in Aruba.

On a somewhat related note, B's been sick for the past week and a half, so I've been staying as far away from him as possible. People are shocked that I'm even letting him sleep in the same bed with me while he's probably contagious right before our wedding. I know, sometimes I even amaze myself with my generosity. I'm like the Mother Theresa of fiances.

But because of that I haven't even touched B in almost two weeks. First, he was in Massachusetts for five days, so touching is kind of out of the question from 400 miles away. But then when he came back he was all pukey, so I've been bathing in Purell every time we even sit next to each other on the couch. And I've been taking care of him by forcing him to rest dragging him out at night to drink shots of whiskey cause gah knows we need it. And if I wake up with even the slightest twinge in my throat on Saturday morning, I'm going to chop off one of his fingers. I feel like that's a fair punishment. Like I said, Mother Theresa.

Also, I'm pretty sure this is God smiting us for making fun of those people who get engaged and then stop sleeping together because they want to wait to make the marriage night more special. You know those people? That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. News flash: even if you've stopped eating at the ole In-N-Out Burger, you still know what it tastes like.

But the other night we were at my parents' house for dinner and my mom told B he had better hurry up and get healthy and I was all "I KNOW, we haven't even kissed on the mouth in, like, two weeks." And my dad jumped up and was all "woah, woah, WOAH, no need to go into such detail." And now I'm kind of worried that the term "kissed on the mouth" is a euphemism for blowies or something like that. And I don't care if you ARE getting married, you still shouldn't talk to your father about blowies.

So yeah, we're working really hard pretty much around the clock to make sure this weekend is perfect for everyone. After that, it's up to you, friends. I'm expecting at least one good pants-wetting as my reward. And, oh yeah, a husband. But first and foremost, a pants-wetting.

6 comments:

RuthWells said...

Aw! Have fun! (Making me all wistful, over here.)

Amanda said...

I totally remember that craziness of the week before the wedding. And a month before, my husband came down with Epstein Barr (like mono) - I didn't even want to look at him for fear of catching it. I think I avoided it by sheer bridal force. : ) Good luck this week! It's going to be wonderful!

rory said...

Cool baby.
I hope your life together exceeds even YOUR imagination.

Stoney said...

Hey, have fun, weather will work out, best of luck and all in luck and in love.....I'll demand cooperation for you form the Weatehr Gods......and save some positive thoughts for me on October 3 (y'all be on honeymoon) when I get married.....yea!!!!......

hippo brigade said...

Whoot woot! Cheers to you and your tornado of love

BOSSY said...

Best of luck, sweetie! You two are going to be Great.

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