Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm trying to find the words that describe this song without being disrespectful

I fall asleep on the couch by 9 p.m. with a magazine draped across my chest. I constantly worry about pooping my pants. I steal ketchup packets from restaurants. And as if I needed another reason to feel like a octogenarian after my 25th birthday, I now spend a good portion of my time in the car analyzing how inappropriate songs on the radio are because in MY day, we listened to REAL music uphill BOTH ways in the SNOW.

The number one offender on my Ruining the Children list is "Sexy Bitch." What. Le. Feck? Have you heard this song? Because you've probably been missing a little piece of your soul since then, if you have.



"I'm trying to find the words to describe
this girl without being disrespectful."


That has got to be the single worst line in a song I have ever heard in my life. And hold on a second, cause I'm about to go Bill Cosby on yo asses: THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN. And now I'm gonna do my best Betty Friedan: Do we want the street babies thinking it's okay to talk about women like this? You know they suck those things up like dirty little sponges. Like that time I saw my eight-year-old neighbor walking down the street with an iPod singing "I wanna lick, lick, lick, lick you from yo head to yo toes." Or the time I walked past the corner bus stop where a group of middle schoolers were arguing when one girl spun around, screamed "that's not what yo daddy said LAST NIGHT," and stormed down the street.

ESQUEEZE ME? When I was in middle school, the best comeback I ever had was "I know you are but what am I?" And does that child even KNOW what she just implied? I'm gonna go ahead and hope not. When I was 12 years old, sex was the very furthest thing from my mind, let alone sex with my friends' fathers. ICK. Unless we're talking about Katya's dad, then helloooooo, Mr. Redwood. Call me.

I'm the girl who had to have blowies explained to me by the "fast girl" on the walk home from school in eighth grade because GIRLS DO WHAT? WITH WHAAAAAAT? THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

When B and I heard this song in the car this weekend, we tried to think of exactly how David Guetta would describe this girl, if he didn't have to worry about life's complications, like being respectful.

"I'm trying to find the words to describe
this girl without being disrespectful."


"One word: bigfatsloot."

"This girl looks like she loves to swallow wieners."

"Would definitely sex your dad."

"Could probably pay her for a little tug."

"The way she dances implies she's quite good in the sack."

"She probably already slept with all your friends."

"Really good at being a hoe."

"Herpeeeeeees."

What else ya got?

7 comments:

LiLu said...

"What. Le. Feck?"

SO stealing that.

Also? Making sure I never, EVER hear that song.

Deidre said...

So I didn't listen to the song, but I am pretty sure the worst song lyrics ever are in the song that the possible Australian Idol Stan will put out as his single if he wins next week. The song is called "Little Black Box" and the lyrics are something like "I am going to find a little black box in the ocean"...dear moses.

rory said...

Ooh baby, baby.
I've got it blaring out the speakers and me and Miss Carol are line dancing in our thongs.

BOSSY said...

A little tug. Hah.

kateyleigh said...

I like how you call them "blowies"

I usually go with "bj" or "beej" but "blowies" cracks me up...

Jon said...

You really think it's the worst line in a song you've EVER heard? I tend to agree that radio music these days is shockingly inappropriate for kids, but I found this line to be amusing and original, at least by comparison. Have you forgotten about gems like "Shake ya 'ass," "My Humps," "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick," and Britney's latest ode to threesomes?

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