Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The post in which I realize my life revolves around cream donuts

Last weekend my marathon training reached it's pinnacle. It was my last really long run before I start to taper, and at 20 miles, it was my longest. About eight miles into this run it dawned on me how out of my mind I must have been when I signed up for this marathon. Was I drunk? I couldn't remember, so I must have been drunk.

This was horrible. My entire lifestyle had been altered. Six months ago, Fridays after work meant a bottle of red, some pizza, a trip to the corner pub, and I'll see you in the morning. Now, they mean water, water, water, a giant plate of pasta, and (if I can stay awake long enough) maybe a few hours with the New Yorker and some serious contemplation about my bowel movements. I just got a horrifying look at what my life will be like in 60 years. And I'm living it now.

My Saturday mornings used to be a quick jog before breakfast and the rest of the day belonged to me, which was usually spent cleaning the apartment and walking the dog while texting my friends to see what the plan was for the evening. Now, they mean a run that usually lasts ALL morning, and an afternoon spent lying on the couch because for the love of GAH I don't even have the energy to get up and find the remote so I'll just lie there watching "Marley and Me" en Espanol and patting myself on the back because I just ran 20 miles and I didn't even shit my pants.

While I'm running, I pretty much can't get over how wretched of an experience this marathon is going to be. The furthest I've run is 20 miles, and that was no walk in the park, my friends. I can't even begin to wrap my head around another 6.2 miles on top of that to the finish line. People have been asking me what my marathon goal is. My goal is to finish. That's it. No, wait ... my goal is to finish without shitting my pants because did you know that happens to marathon runners all the time? And I'm not sure what it says about my life that pants shitting has climbed to the top of the Things I Hope Not To Do list. It went from number 63 right on up to number 3, beaten out only narrowly by die (which still holds the solid number one position) and get locked in a trunk with 100 poisonous spiders and don't even get my started on the spiders.

As part of Operation Don't Shit My Pants, I've been doing a little research about what I should eat the morning of the marathon. And people have been all toast! Peanut butter! Gu! Meat! So I asked my friend Jordan what he's been doing during training runs. This is his full report for the past weekend:

1 power bar and water when i got up
1 pb and j sammy after

1 gu before
1 gu after 8 miles
1 gu chomps shortly after
1 gu after 16 miles
1 gu after 20 miles

And this was mine:

1 bowl of frosted flakes when i got up (they're GRRRR-EAT!)
water after 5 miles
water after 10 miles
water after 15 miles
2 cream donuts when i finished.

And Jordan was all, "I don't see the problem" because Jordan is an asshole. And I was all "the problem was that I wanted three cream donuts but the bakery ran out." And that pretty much sums up my training plan.

ANYWAY. So the running part kind of sucks. But when I'm done running, it's awesome. I never have time to just lie on the couch and watch a movie in the middle of the day, but marathon training pretty much forces me to. And do you SERIOUSLY expect me to do the dishes after just running 20 miles? I have a golden Get Out of Doing Things Card all day. And best of all, I also get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want for the next 24 hours. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE? It's pretty much the greatest thing in the world. In fact, I can't think of anything better than the chance to eat whatever I want and not feel a twinge of guilt about it. All. Flipping. Day.

There's this bakery around the corner from my apartment. It's run by a friendly, middle aged Jewish woman with a bouffant. She's wonderful. And every Saturday morning, after my long run, my mom (who has usually run with me for half of whatever my distance is that day), meets me at my apartment, and we walk to this bakery to pick up some cream donuts to treat ourselves. This has become our weekly routine. And these donuts? Are incredible. I've eaten more soft, powdered donuts bursting with smooth vanilla cream filling in the past four months than I have in the past four years.

And these moments -- sitting at my dining room table with the legs that were gnawed by the dog, enjoying a cup of tea, a delicious cream donut, and some conversation with my mom while the early afternoon sunlight streams through the window -- are my favorite moments of the week.

Essentially, my life revolves around cream donuts.

And this got me thinking about what life will be like once marathon training is over. I'll have to go back to doing things like cleaning floors. And doing laundry. And NOT eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Ergo, no more cream donuts every Saturday morning with my mom followed by an afternoon of watching all the TV shows I missed during the week. EW.

Now, I haven't even run the marathon yet and I'm already considering signing up for another because I can't fathom my life without the cream donuts. But without my mom or my Back on My Feet team, who will run with me? I can't do 20 miles totally by myself. And do they even HAVE cream donuts in New England? It's like a different country up there, where people fish for fun and eat nothing but clam chowder and snow.

And am I out of my mind? Again? Considering putting myself through marathon training again just so I can eat donuts? When I first wrote about being Fatty McFatterson, I was kind of joking, but now I'm totally serious. My twisted, donut-crazed brain has just taken this to a whole new level. It's called donut delirium.


Talia said...

Oh I can't wait to drag you to the Rhode Island beaches this summer and stuff you with clam cakes and doughboys and take you to Little Italy in Providence and feed you things you didn't even know existed. It's going to be FABULOUS.

Bridget said...

michael and i are thinking HUGE brunch afterwards...hopefully you'll wait for us to finish...we could do something really fancy, or just sit in a bakery for hours.

Marcus Grimm said...

I'd add some gu's to your program.

Alternatively, you could get a tube of cake icing, which kind of does the same thing. Sort of. Well, at least I think you'd like it more than gu.

All in all, I think you're ready to rock it. :)


Bridget said...

@Talia, you're trying to replace cream donuts with clam cakes?

@Bridget, this brunch better be massive, and you should plan on carrying me there. also, don't even joke about me waiting for you. i'll be done some time around sunset.

@Marcus, cake icing? YOU REALLY ARE A GENIUS!

vena said...

so, so, funny. I talked to jane re the donuts - I would eat coffee cake or jewish apple or no, the best, sticky buns with nuts and raisins.

seriously, re the running, wow, I'm sooo impressed. I hated training for the broad street. thats my limit. you go. if you need a companion that day, let me know, I'll try to run the last 5 with you!

Walter said...

Look at the bright side. At least you have found something delightful that brings you happiness.

Have you not join, you may not have the chance to experience cream donuts. :-)

Hippo Brigade said...

So I have a marathon question: You're drinking a lot of water while youre running, and your running for a long time--what happens when you have to go pee pee? Do you pee while running? If you do, you'd be gross and awesome all at the same time.

rory said...

That's cool that you can take the time to sit with your mom- way too often we sprint through life and forget to enjoy the little stuff.

Jessica said...

It's awesome that you are training to run a marathon. I can't even get enough motivation to run down the block. However the pure joy of eating what ever I want and laying around afterwards may entice me enough to at least try a mile :). Good Luck with the marathon and enjoy your donuts you've earned them.

K @ Blog Goggles said...

Holy moley... this is why I can't even imagine attempting a marathon.

Donuts, on the other hand, are amazing.

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