An actual conversation I had with my mother while waiting in line for coffee at Dunkin Donuts

Me: Wait, I thought you didn't drink coffee.

Mom: I'm acquiring a taste for it in my older age. I drink more alcohol. I'm introducing coffee into my diet. Now all I have to do is start smoking.

Me: I'm sorry I've never smoked before, or else I'd offer you a cigarette. Unless you're talking about weed, cause then I can hook you up with some dank ass sheeeeeeeyat.

Mom: I've never been prouder.

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