Monday, April 26, 2010

Just another website I need to Parental Control from myself

So last week after I admitted to the Internet that I sweat like a hairy Bavarian sausage maker in my sleep, the fat lady at the gym left a comment and was all "mabes you have hypoglycemia." As usually happens with things like this, I read it then immediately forgot all about it as I cracked open a well-deserved end-of-the-second-week-of-work beer. Then at about 4:43 on Monday afternoon that comment popped back into my head and I downright panicked because OH MY GAH WHAT IF I REALLY DO HAVE HYPOGLYCEMIA? So of course I WebMDed the shit out of that and the first thing that popped up was the word "diabetes" so then my panic peaked at near-hysteria because DIABETES?! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO THOSE LIBERTY MEDICAL DIABETES COMMERCIALS. WHAT IF I AM LIKE YOU, WILFORD BRIMLEY? WHAT IF I DO HAVE DIABEETUS?! WHAT ABOUT THE APPLE PIE?!

Sidenote: At any given time, in any given place, if anyone ever uses the phrase "...if you're like me," you can pretty much bet that B or I will interject with "AND YOU HAVE DIABEETUS!!!1" And then fall all over ourselves laughing like assholes. It's also not uncommon for one of us to blurt out "if you're like me ..." in the middle of any mundane task, like loading the dishwasher, and then wait for the other to finish the sentence simply for the act of giving each other the pure joy of pronouncing "diabetes" as "diabeetus." And yes, B's Wilford Brimley impersonation is absolutely one of the reasons I married him.

While searching for this commercial on YouTube, I found a breathtaking amount of Wilford Brimley Diabeetus Dance Remixes. And nothing says awesome like a DANCE REMIX, ERRRBOOODDYYY!!1!

ANYWAY. As I was saying: Hypoglycemia. So then I read past that first word and realized that hypoglycemia does not in fact mean you have diabeetus, so PHEW for that. Sorry Wilford, I guess besides the white mustache and passion for Quaker oatmeal, we're not all that similar after all.

But by the time I reached the end of the WebMD hypoglycemia page, I was just about convinced that I too had hypoglycemia. Yes, I am hungry, like, pretty much all the time, and I do get headaches if I don't eat, like, pretty much all the time, but I thought that was just because I'm a fat man trapped in a little blond girl's body. Yes, I do sometimes feel unsteady and have trouble walking, but I thought that was just because I was drunk. And gah knows yes, I have sweat so much during the night that my sheets are damp soaked when I wake up.

And then I saw one of the causes of hypoglycemia is stomach surgery. Been there. Done that. HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY HAVE HYPOGLYCEMIA.

So on the train ride home yesterday I mulled over the fact that I'm probably dying of low blood sugar levels. Later that night, B treated me to cooking dinner for us all by hisself (all I had to do was cut the vegetables, make the salad, get the sides, and set the table. Isn't he just the best? Siiiggghhh).

B: Stop eating M&Ms, dinner will be ready in like five minutes.

Me: I can't, I need to replenish my dangerously low blood sugar levels before I pass out.

B: What now?

Me: Oh, I forgot to tell you? I was on WebMD today ...

B: Heeereeee we go.

Me: ... and I probably have hypoglycemia.

B: So now you're diagnosing yourself as a hypoglycemic?

Me: I didn't diagnose myself. A blog commentor diagnosed me. Gah, what do you think I am?

B: You're not a hypoGLYCEMIC. You're a hypoCHONDRIAC. Why don't you WebMD that shit?

I think decided not to pursue the concept of hypoglycemia anymore because visions of Mojo opening her mouth every morning to check her throat to make sure she had enough room to breathe were dancing in my head. And I know I already said that I wouldn't go on WebMD unsupervised anymore, but this time I really mean it. I'm totally Parental Controlling myself from myself. Eat THAT, Dr. Oz!


ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Oh, that is funny!

Mojo said...

still check my throat on a daily basis. so far, so good, but you never know! i have weaned myself from webMD though, and for that, I am much less hypotastic


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