Thursday, August 19, 2010

UPDATED: Human Centipede: Nothing about this is normal

So by now those of you who are addicted to the internets have probably seen the trailer for Human Centipede and WOAH. If you haven't seen it yet, go YouTube that shit right now. I'll wait.

Done? Okay then. When I first watched it with my sister-in-laws this summer I had just scarfed down a plate a pasta, was well into my third glass of wine and was all "so is this a joke or what? Snakes on a Plane?" Because I like to compare everything in life with Snakes on a Plane. It can be used as noun, adjective, and adverb. Because of it's sheer ridiculocrity, it's relevant to just about every scenario. Got yelled at by the boss? That's so Snakes on a Plane. Tired after a long, traffic-filled commute? Snakes on a Plane. Singing karaoke at a bachelorette party with a penis antenna on your head? Snakes on a Plane. Mice in your attic? "I have HAD IT with these motherfuckin' mice in this motherfuckin' attic."

So naturally when I first saw clips from Human Centipede, I was excited at the thought of a potentially new Snakes on a Plane. Because why wouldn't I assume a movie about a rich European man who kidnaps tourists to sew them together mouth-to-ass for his own twisted enjoyment would be a big fat movie joke?

But after a while it dawned on me that this was no Snakes on a Plane. This movie was trying to pass for the next Hostel. American kids go gallivanting in Europe only to be abducted so other Europeans can torture them with tools you don't want to see anywhere besides the sterile surgeon's table and/or factory farm. [sidenote: I was once an American kid gallivanting through New Zealand staying in hostels on weekends and THANK GAH this was before I saw Hostel or else I wouldn't have slept for my entire time abroad. Scary movies ruin my life. Like the time my parents let me watch The Exorcist when I was in fifth grade and I was convinced my brother was possessed by Lucifer. Or the time they let me watch IT for my tenth birthday and I made my mom stand outside the bathroom while I showered for the next six months. Or the time B made me watch the Exorcism of Emily Rose in the middle of the day while we were playing Scrabble to distract me and if I woke up in the middle of the night at any point for the next three years I was convinced that the devil was at that moment entering my body. Yeah. So there's that.] Only this time? Let's combine it with everyone's love for medical oddity shows on the Discovery Channel and we've struck gold! Let's call it Human Centipede!

It's not that I intentionally look for medical oddity shows on the Discovery Channel, by the way. But if I turn on the TV and "The World's Fattest Man" or "The World's Smallest Girl" or a special about conjoined twins or the man born without arms or legs happens to be on, something flips inside of my brain and I just can't turn away. I'm fascinated. I sit and watch and ponder the seemingly mundane elements of life. How do they go to the bathroom? Walk up the stairs? Have sex? Go to school? What's their favorite color? Do they like dogs? Do they take vitamins? Do they love Zac Efron?

And then B walks in and groans and changes the channel because he "will not take part in exploiting other people's suffering for the sake of entertainment." And I'm all "it's not entertainment! It's knowledge! I am a student of the world!" And he's all "you're a sick fuck." And I'm all "unrelated."

That's what Human Centipede is kind of like. It's like Hostel went to the bar, got totally tanked, met the Discovery Channel, took her home, made sloppy, sloppy love and nine months later Human Centipede was born. And it is it one ugly baby. Because then I watched the trailer again and realized this shit not funny. This shit is not Snakes on a Plane. This shit is fucked up. And yet ... a little piece inside of me is kind of curious. A tiny fleck of light is calling out from my bowels. And I am both horrified and embarrassed to admit this.

Last Friday while enjoying a few drinks at our neighborhood watering hole, my friend turns to me and smiles.

Friend: So I watched Human Centipede.


F: Yep, fucked up. Want a shot?

Me: Woah, woah, WOAH. You saw Human Centipede?

F: Yep.

Me: OhMyGodIKindOfWantToSeeItAndThenBlogAboutItDoYouWantToWatchItWithMe?

F: You WANT to see it?

Me: Well, no, not like, for serious, but you know, kind of just to write about it?

F: You WANT to willingly watch Human Centipede?

Me: Keep your voice down! (Because who wants a crowded bar to know that you kind of want to watch Human Centipede even if it is FOR RESEARCH?)

F: Dude, I was kidding. You're kind of a sick fuck.

And B just shook his head. You win this time, Human Centipede.

UPDATE: I just searched on Wikipedia for this movie and this is what I read:

"The concept of the film arose from a joke Tom Six [the director] made with friends about punishing child molesters by stitching their mouth to the anus of a fat truck driver.[3] When approaching investors prior to filming, Six did not mention the mouth-to-anus aspect of the plot, fearing it would put off potential backers. The financiers of The Human Centipede did not discover the full nature of the film until it was complete."

And I'M the sick fuck? Now this kind of leaves me to believe that it really is all a big joke? A big, fat, truck driver anus joke? I would have paid good money (and by good money I mean a pack of gum and the remaining 13 cents in loose change that is in my purse) to be in the boardroom when the investors all viewed this movie for the first time. Because HOOOOOOO BOY I bet they wanted to stitch someone's mouth to a fat truck driver's ass after sinking all their monies into this cinema masterpiece. And that someone's name is Tom Six.

You win again, Human Centipede.


virginia said...

please tell me you saw Tosh.0's spoiler version of this.

HILAR!!! i will never know if its better than the actual movie.. but im willing to bet my life savings (if i had any) that it is...

Bridget said...

ZOMG OF COURSE! My favorite part: "Mwah hah hah Rohypnol. Date rape."

I've been repeating that all week. Alllll week. Good lord I love Tosh.0.

Anonymous said...

I want to use this trailer as an example why every woman should learn to change a tire. And also why you shouldn't ever go into a creepy guys house. Also... eeeewwwwie!

RuthWells said...

You may be a sick fuck, but your my kind of sick fuck!

RuthWells said...

Ack, "you're", not "your"!

Becky Mochaface said...

OMG why did I watch that? WHY? I am going to have nightmares about people being connected mouth to ass for months now.

Bridget said...

@RuthWells i'm so glad you got my back

Monica said...

Since the trailer nearly gave me a heart attack, I couldn't stop talking about this movie, for, like weeks. It's available OnDemand, so I couldn't NOT watch it when that opportunity was presented. Otherwise, I what? Wear a wig and mustache as I shamefully order the tickets? I ignored my friends' horrified reactions and watched it. And you should to! It's gross, it's not scary, and so bad that it's kind of funny. Good luck to you.

Deidre said...

I couldn't watch the trailor (a. because my internet is really slow and Inspector Climate would scold me for MAKING THE INTERNET SLOWER THAN DEATH BY STREAMING VIDEO and b. because I am a delicate child and there is no way I'd ever sleep again.)

Avitable said...

I have it in my queue, ready to watch, actually. I'll let you know how it is.

THE sister-in-law said...

yaaaaaaa Human Centipede!!

Don't fret this is only the "First Sequence".... can't wait for the second and third and forth and

rory said...

Why is it that flat tires only happen in the woods on rainy nights when you're wearing a mini-skirt?
Also, when they're sitting in the living room talking and he grabs the back of the sofa and says, "So, you're TOURISTS?"
That explains a LOT.

Maggie May said...

um, gross!


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