And now that we've been married for over a year, people ask. When are B and I going to start makin' babies? I don't know, to be honest. Which I'm pretty sure is a good sign that we're not ready yet. That and the fact that every time I see a baby, I get all mushy inside; but every time I see a kid -- like a walking, talking child with snot down its face and sticky hands -- I'm borderline revolted. I want to stay away from the stickiness. I don't want it to touch my clothes and make my couch dirty. Kids are gross. They're compact disease carriers. And they're dumb. And sometimes mean. Blegh.
I also find it rather telling that the days I give most serious thought to when B and I will start a family are the days that I'm most hungover. You can't have hangovers when you're preggo! Who am I kidding? Pretty sure looking at pregnancy as a way of avoiding a hangover a sure sign that I should not be looking at pregnancy. I CAN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
I got to hold a newborn this weekend. He was so tiny and soft and beautiful. Holding him was easy and natural and felt really nice. It got me a little excited. I could be ready. But then he spit up and I got to hand him back to his mother when he started to cry. And then she had to take him home and I went out for beers with my friends. She was so good at being a mom. I'm totally not ready.
While we were out at a new bar that night, I bumped into a friend who I run and work with who was out to dinner with his wife and kids. We chatted for a while and then B and I headed off to another bar with our friends. When I saw him at our run this morning he asked me about the rest of my Saturday night. Where did we go? What did we do? And then what? After we had left the first bar, he and his wife had wondered aloud what we'd be doing next. "They could do anything," they said. "They have no responsibilities. They might be out all night. They can go wherever they want." After they returned home they said it again, "I wonder where they are now. Could be anywhere."
You can't do that when you have kids. You have soccer games and basketball practices and bed times to adhere to. But B and I? We could do ANYTHING. Just thinking about that this morning got me a little uppity. We CAN and we SHOULD. If we want to go drink beers in the middle of the afternoon, we do. If we want to get away for a weekend, we can. We need to do everything all the time BECAUSE WE CAN. And gah knows that's not going to last forever. Sooner or later the babies be a'comin'. I should be booking airline tickets to somewhere -- anywhere -- right now. I should go drink on my lunch break. We should do absolutely everything or absolutely nothing. WE HAVE TO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE.
My mom once told me that when you're a girl, you spend your entire twenties worrying you might get pregnant and your entire thirties worrying you might not be able to. I don't not want to have babies. In fact, I want nothing more to be able to have a whole litter. That's the life I want. It's just a matter of being ready to make the switch from 3 p.m. beers to 3 a.m. feedings. If you ask my uncle, he'll tell you you're never ready. You can't be. Who would be? You just do. Clearly, at this point of my life people would expect it. I'm out of the woods, after all.
No, this is not a long-winded way of telling you I'm pregnant. Playaz please, I spent the majority of yesterday nursing the little red wine headache that could. All is normal. Sorry, mom. One day I'll have lots of kids. 500 of 'em. BABIES EVERYWHERE. But today I think I'll have a beer.