Friday, December 10, 2010

And now the bank teller thinks I'm a stripper. You know, the usual.

Recently, we've had some pretty frequent instances at work where I have collected relatively large sums of cash as part of a few fundraisers. As such, I've had to make some pretty frequent trips to the bank to deposit these relatively large sums of cash, most of which are in small figures, ones and fives and such.

As I was making a final count of a large pile of money at my desk yesterday before heading to the bank, I mentioned to my lovely intern that I always manage to get the same bank teller and he probably thinks I'm a drug dealer because I'm always depositing thick piles of cash. That's when my coworker piped in and said "no, he probably thinks you're a lady of the night."

"No, no," my intern interjected. "Not a prostitute, you have too many small bills. He thinks you're a stripper." Then off to the bank I went with their shrill laughter trailing behind me.

There were two tellers on duty at the bank, one of which was the gentleman I always have the pleasure of doing business with. I can't go to him today, I thought. He's definitely going to think I'm a stripper now. Why didn't this occur to me before?! What else would you think when a young woman comes in with stacks of ones?! STRIPPER that's what you think! STRIPPER!

I was next in line. Whoever finished first ahead of me is where I would have to go. Suddenly, my usual guy opened up. I had to move in. It would be too awkward to let someone from behind me go just to avoid him. I walked up to the counter and quietly passed over the deposit slip and giant wad of cash.

I looked down at the clothes I was wearing. Everything seemed pretty safe. Jeans, a heavy winter coat and boots. Certainly not an outfit that screamed stripper. My eyeliner was a little thick though. DAMNIT I WAS GIVING MYSELF AWAY. Say something. Be witty. Put him at ease so he knows you're not a stripper. Say something now!

"IT'S FOR MY WORK." I exclaimed, much in the same way someone who suffers from tourrettes might scream fuck or damn or Bob Saget. The teller stopped counting and looked at me. "Oh ..." he replied.

FUCK DID YOU JUST TELL HIM 'IT'S FOR MY WORK?' FOR MY WORK? OH, REALLY? DOES YOUR WORK INVOLVE A POLE AND A PAIR OF FIVE-INCH HEELS? MAYBE A KITTY-CAT THEME? WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHY DON'T YOU JUST SCREAM I'M A STRIPPER IN CASE THERE WAS ANY LINGERING DOUBT? FOR MY WORK, JESUS CHRIST.

I stood and silently watched him finish the transaction. He smiled pleasantly as he handed me the receipt and told me to have a wonderful rest of the day.

Recover, recover, recover! "Thank you. You too. I've got to head back to work ... AT MY OFFICE. Where I work. In .. the office. Thankyouhaveagreatday." [Great recovery. Slow clap. I'm sure you really set his mind at ease here. That's lovely. Still clapping. Very slowly. Keeping cool under pressure. One more clap.] I shoved the receipt in my pocket and headed out the door. Probably exactly like a stripper. So, you know, just one more anecdote for the autobiography, tentatively titled "Surviving Awkward: The tale of one amazing woman's journey through life."

someecards.com - Darling, you'd make one really fucking awkward stripper.

9 comments:

Pepe Le Pew said...

I would like to think if I was a stripper (and a women) I would get bigger bills stuffed in my g-sting. I think a good pole grind is at least worth a fiver.

Jill said...

Wow.

I have the opposite problem. I go to the bank to get bus fare, so I step on up to the teller and ask for $30 in singles. She probably thinks I am on my way to the club.

Becky Mochaface said...

Next time you should totally walk in there with a low cut top and stripper heels. If he already thinks you're a stripper, you should totally play it up.

amanda said...

Haha! This was great! I just recently found your blog and love reading it. Your posts are always hilarious. :)

LaurMo said...

did you know that in philly, every new years day mike and his friends go to a strip club that is called...... wait for it.... "the office"

he said he thought he saw you there. didnt believe it until you just said it :)

rory said...

Bridget, that was flippin' hilarious.
Honest.
And I agree with Becky Mochaface- play the stripper role for the bank runs.
Make your work absurdly fun.

Deidre said...

My check out chick in the grocery store gave me career advice today. Helpful. Not so.

Bridget said...

@LaurMo I was hoping you wouldn't find out. It was supposed to me my and Mike's little secret ...

@Becky Mochaface and @Rory Welp, I guess at this point what else can I do, right? I haven't had many chances to wear my red leather heels these days. Might as well make them my "banking shoes."

Nicholas DiRoma said...

I stumbled on this blog, and ive got to say that story is hilarious. Always keep a positive attitude in life !

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