Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Does this post make me sound like a pothead?

I spend a lot of time in the car commuting to and from the city every day. As such, I have a pretty good chunk of time -- well over two hours a day -- spent by myself. Some of the ways I pass the time are healthy and perfectly normal: I listen to music and spend a lot of time with NPR correspondents. Some are less so and can be broken down into three major categories:

1) Thinking too much.
2) Talking out loud. Alone.
a. Judging people. Out loud. Alone.
3) Frantically switching radio stations and suffering from a severe case of radio ADD.

Point Number One: Last night as I was driving home I noticed two women walking their dogs passing each other on the sidewalk. One woman's dog, a giant golden lab, went berserk trying to get close to the other passing dog. This poor, overly energetic dog was pulling so hard at his leash and wagging his tail so fiercely that I thought he was going to have a seizure.

And not to get all "I've Had One Too Many Bong Hits and a Bag of Cheese Doodles" on you, but here's what I couldn't stop thinking about after witnessing that: What if PEOPLE were the ones owned by some other greater life form? Hold on a second, I'm not done. Say that one day a bunch of aliens land on earth, take over and decide that humans are just so cute and loving that they keep us all as pets. These greater life forms far outnumber us. Not to mention they're vastly more intelligent and more powerful. But that's fine. For the most part they provide for us wonderfully. They exercise us regularly, feed us, take us on walks and pick up all of our shit. We are quite happy. But depending on the circumstances, we could go DAYS without seeing another human. And when we're out walking and happen to see one, OF COURSE we're going to want to run over and say hello. Why wouldn't we?! It's another HUMAN! One of our kind! At the very least we're going to want to shake hands, maybe give a kiss or so.

Considering this, OF COURSE dogs want to say hello to other dogs. Whenever I'm jogging or walking with Rooney, I always stop and let him take as much time as he wants with other dogs. That poor yellow lab was frantic just to say hello. I'm willing to bet the woman walking him spent way more energy yanking him away from the passing dog than she would have if she just let him sniff a little ass. A little ass is all he was asking for. And who doesn't need some ass every once in a while? Does this post make me sound like a pothead?

And THAT was just last night. You don't even want to hear how I over-analyze every aspect of my life until I feel like I need to pull over into the parking lot of the closest Dunkin Donuts, curl up in the fetal position, and eat a box of munchkins.

Point Number Two: I also spend an alarmingly increasing time aggressively talking out loud to other motorists and judging them based solely on their choice of bumper stickers.

"Way to use your turn signal, you ASS."

"Really now, if you're going to put a bumper sticker on your car can't you at least take the time to put it on there straight? Nice crooked sticker. Oh, it's a Tea Party sticker. I see. WAY TO BE A MORON, YA MORON."

"McCain? Really? You're still a big enough dick to drive around with that sticker on your car? GIVE ME A BREAK, YA HOMOPHOBE."

"Got Platapus? I don't even know what that MEANS."

"Help ... someone stole my ... car? What? That's not even funny. You are not funny, sir."

"Coexist. I love that one. I would gladly be your friend, old lady. Get home safely now."

Point Number Three: While in the car, I pass much of the time frantically searching for good music. This has recently been a challenge, as I've been totally uninspired by the radio. This explains my recent lack of Songs of the Week. There is simply nothing out there right now that really strikes my fancy in a big way. That I've been willing to admit here on the blarg, anyway. That's right. I've been holding out on you. There IS a song that strikes my fancy and I spend the majority of my time in the car searching for it, I've just been too embarrassed to make it the Song of the Week.

Do you ever get hooked on one song and find yourself passing all of your car time switching between all the possible stations that might play this song until you find if, if you're lucky enough? Now, I've already admitted that I kind of like country music. I'm still totally embarrassed by this new turn of events. Me? Country music? Maybe I have been smoking too much pot.

The other night B and I were driving home from dinner and a song came on a local country station that I just happened to know all the words to. B was flabbergasted.

B: Wow. Just, wow. You don't just know the words to this, you know, like, all the intonations and stuff. You have this whole song memorized. How much time do you spend listening to this station?

Me: It's just easy to memorize, that's all. Not much time. I swear.

B: Yeah easy to memorize because all these songs have about one chord of music and all the words are about connecting the drinking bone to the whiskey bone and honkey tonkin' tonk party bone. [Editor's note: B fucking loves this song, and don't ever let him tell you otherwise.] Look at you! You've got the whole thing down. I am ashamed.

Me: I DON'T LISTEN THAT MUCH. [Editor's note: this is a lie.]

B: Ashamed. My wife loves country music. My wife.

Me: UGH.

B: Ashamed.

So it might not be too big of a surprise to learn that the song that is haunting me is a country song. And you know what? I've listened to A LOT of really bad country songs in my quest to find this song on the radio. Every day. For the past three weeks. There, I said it. I won't live in shame any more.

Now, before I share this song I have to admit that I've always had a thing for cowboys. My favorite movie of all time is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Paul Newman ... in tight jeans ... and a dusty cowboy hat ... on a horse ... and that chiseled jawline ... and my gah the blue eyes ... I think I'm going to pass out. I guess this next step was just inevitable.

And I'm not entirely sure what it is about this song. The music snob in me has to point out that musically it's nothing special. But there is something that makes me ... swoon. Like a goddamned 16-year-old. This is one sexy song. Maybe it's his voice. Maybe it's the lyrics. Maybe it's the vision of a chiseled jaw in a cowboy hat singing this song. To me, obviously. And now I will officially step out of the closet as a big ol' fan of this song:

GO AHEAD. JUDGE ME. I DESERVE IT. But by golly I like this song a lot. So much that I spend the majority of my car time manically switching back and forth between all of Boston's country music stations until I find it. It's like it's 1994 again and I'm lying on my stomach in my bedroom, spending hours scanning for Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love To You" on my boombox so I can record it from the radio and put it on the mixtape and then design a really pretty cover with my Crayola crayons set. Jesus Christ.

And while we're on the topic, let's take a minute and talk about how inappropriate it was for my third grade self to be so obsessed with a song titled "I'll Make Love to You." Here's a few of the standout lyrics:

"Girl relax, let's go slow
I ain't got nowhere to go
I'm just gonna concentrate on you
Girl are you ready, it's gonna be a long night
Throw your clothes on the floor
I'm gonna take my clothes off too
I made plans to be with you
Girl whatever you ask me you know I'll do

I'll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I'll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I'll make love to you"

Also? When I finally did get my paws on that amazing little cassette, MY PARENTS were the ones who put it in my Christmas stocking. What the HELL, mom and dad? Hippies, man. Hippies.

The moral of the story: I need to spend less time alone in the car.


Anonymous said...

I tried to like it.


Anonymous said...

But I loved your blog

Becky Mochaface said...

There are a lot of cowboys in Texas. IJS.

Leila said...

Love your work - Point #1 is gold and I have random arse thoughts like that all the time. Its funny you wrote about this because I was having similar thoughts as I'm a dog owner and recently decided to be vegan. Thanks for the laugh xx

Bridget said...

@Becky Mochaface Not gonna lie, I am afraid of 99% of Texas.

@ Leila, So I just checked out your vegan blog and totally just sent the piglets picture to about 3/4 of my address book. Exploding with cuteness. I'm no vegan, but I will never ever ever eat pork.

Deidre said...

I talk to myself all the time too. Ahh, being unemployed. Have you read the book about the dogs who were given voice boxes and came to rule the world and dressed in suits?

I'd tell you the title..but I can't remember. Le sigh.

rory said...

Sounds like you need some hushpuppies and moonshine.
Being southern ain't so bad.

Anonymous said...

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- Robson


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