Thursday, January 27, 2011

At least I'm not shooting heroin through my toes

A few years ago I watched my first episode of Law & Order. There was nothing else on and chances are, no matter what time of day, there is an episode of Law & Order on television. It wasn't long before Law & Order became the show I watched to zone out when nothing else was on, to a show I actually searched the channels for.

This past fall, B and I discovered Criminal Minds. And mah gah, everything we loved about Law & Order was in Criminal Minds, only deeper and darker and much more fucked up. We were hooked. Suddenly, Law & Order paled in comparison. It can no longer hold our attention. Not enough fuck up-ness, I suppose. Once you up the ante, it's hard to go back. I imagine that is exactly how heroin addicts describe their journey up the drug chain until before they know it they're robbing 7-11s and shooting up between their toes.

Then recently, B and I had the genius idea to cancel cable. We needed to trim the fat from our budget and gah knows I wasn't going to allow us to skimp at the liquor store. Cable it was. In order to sustain our media-soaked little brains though, we signed up for Netflix. $10 a month sure beats that $100 cable bill.

And that's when we discovered Dexter. I was loading up the instant queue when I stopped on season one. I'd heard a lot about how great the show was -- clever dialog, witty banter, skilled cinemetography -- so I threw it on the queue. And after one episode, B and I were totally hooked. This was waaaaaay more fucked up than Criminal Minds! Not only that, but it was chock full of sexy people! With chiseled jaw lines and great hair. And to our twisted little minds, what could be better than gruesome and seriously mental serial killers and sexy bods? Nothing, I tell you. Nothing could be better.

But recently, I've noticed something about myself. While B has gone on normally with his every day life, I have suddenly become skittish and slightly paranoid. I can't fall asleep at night until I've checked all the locks on the house. I get nervous when I'm home alone. If the dog barks at something outside when it's just the two of us at home, my heart rate will sky-rocket and I'll consider locking both of us in a closet with a tennis racquet to protect us.

B has fully taken advantage of this skittishness. If I happen to be in the shower when he comes home from work, he'll sneak into the bathroom and throw open the shower curtain, just to watch me scream. Or he'll turn all the lights off in the kitchen as I'm pouring myself a glass of water and grab me from behind. I am constantly on my guard.

This is exactly why I have my self-imposed scary movie code. I do not allow myself to watch scary movies. They enter my subconscious and haunt me for weeks at at time. I still can't even THINK at any movie even remotely about an exorcism. If a commercial comes on, I have the change the channel. I'm afraid of remote mountain houses because of The Strangers. I always freak myself out when camping because of Blair Witch Project. I'm nervous around socially awkward people who happen to be in the dental or medical profession because of Human Centipede (Ha-Ha rohyphnol). I'm even afraid of people with schizophrenia because of Patch Adams. Patch fucking Adams, people.


You'd think then, that I'd want to cut back on all of this crazy crime drama. But I don't. On the contrary, I'm even more addicted. We're already well into season two of Dexter after just a couple weeks as Netflix members. We fly through episodes at an alarming rate. It's a bit disconcerting, since we both assumed cancelling cable would give us plenty of extra free time for doing things like reading the New Yorker or finishing novels or perhaps even completing all the half-finished projects we started around the house. But nope. I think we spend even more time in front of the TV now. It's sick, I tell you. SICK.

But what are ya gonna do? At least I'm not shooting heroin through my toes, right?


Jess said...

Wait til you get to season 4. It is seriously fucked. John Lithgow is terrifying. And you won't want to take a bath ever again.

Sole Matters said...

LOVE me some Dexter. LOVE. Im the same way though, I havent watched ANY scary movies since the exorcist: the beginnings.

Becky Mochaface said...

I don't watch Dexter, but I do watch Criminal Minds. Shemar Moore is hot but I love me some of the nerdy guy whatever his name is.

Bridget said...

@Jess guhhhhhhh I can't wait! I don't know how they're going to top season one thought!!

I might never sleep again.

@Sole Matters we be babies

@Becky Mochaface Shemar Moore is a sexy animal and i love the nerdy guy too! B says it doesn't do much for his self esteem when I always proclaim how cute nerds are.

Deidre said...

I haven't seen dexter, and I can't actually watch crime dramas for this very reason. I get totally terrified.

I saw black swan this week and the psycho sex thriller scared the bejesus out of me.

rory said...

OK. B is totally cracking me up.

Bailey said...

That and a few other choice violent/creepy movies/books have me totally freaked out. I told myself myself to read and watch humor but I just got Season 3 of Dexter from the library and started reading a book about two families trying to deal after one of their little girls die in the family pond. Humor. Fail.

Ker said...

Oh Lord just WAIT until Season 4!!!!!!!!!! It's insane how much TV I watch and the ending to Season 4 beats out EVERY ending I have ever seen. EVER.

Bridget said...

@Ker Oh OH OH you're like the third person to tell me this!!!! Now I'm just scared.


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