Friday, February 4, 2011

I'm a needy girl, you can tell by the look in my big brown eyes

You're going to have to excuse me, because I'm a fucking mess. This week has been nothing short of spectacularly shambly and to be honest, I'm a little surprised I've made it this far without getting hit by a bus. I'm flying to Pittsburgh tonight and while I'm not usually a nervous flyer, I'm just about terrified to get on a plane right now considering how things have been going. If this plane goes down, I want you all to know that I've always loved you. Almost as much as I've loved myself.

On Monday I went and opened my mouth about how I was pleasantly surprised about my mental stability after five major winter storms before February. I wasn't even worried about the one that would hit us on Tuesday. I was doing GREAT. I was OWNING this winter. It was my bitch. My happy lamp and I were sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G and biding our time until spring would finally come around.

Then that sixth storm did hit. And I was still okay. It was a somewhat stressful ride home from work on Tuesday afternoon -- a white knuckle, hands at 10 and 2 kind of ride. My iPhone was snugly in my lap for the ride while I focused all of my energy on not fishtailing into the ocean. When I finally made it to my town, I dashed into CVS to pick up an emergency supply of ... things ... for ... stuff ...THEY WERE TAMPONS OKAY. IT WAS AN EMERGENCY TAMPON STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLIZZARD. I was tired and distracted and in need of an emergency tampon stop. THERE. This never would have happened if Playtex was still sponsoring my vagina.

When I was almost home, I realized I didn't know where my phone was. I turned around and after hours, HOURS of scouring the CVS and the parking lot and pretty much every inch of surrounding land by myself and with B's parents who I had frantically enlisted to help me, it was gone. Poof. Just like that. My iPhone 4 was gone.

And this was the breaking point for Bridget's tolerance of the winter of 2011.

Six hours later, after resigning myself to the fact that yes, it was in fact gone -- either to a snow plow or a tire or some punk ass motherfucking kid who just scored himself a brand new iPhone -- I collapsed onto my couch and let the despair and self-loathing wash all over me. When B came home and found me there, he laughed. Like an asshole. It's just a phone, he said. JUST A PHONE?! It's only a thing, a possession, he said. A THING?! A POSSESSION?!

Let me explain something. B and I are both nerds. But we are very different types of nerd. B knows how to play Dungeons and Dragons, but he barely knows how to type a text message. I, on the other hand, work myself into a tizzy over new technology. I think it's romantic when husbands and wives tweet with each other. I love sleek keyboards. I need convenience and instant gratification. And I thought the iPhone 4 was the single most remarkable development to ever hit the market. And it didn't take long before my life revolved around it.

My phone was chock full of amazing photos, funny video, notes, recipes. I navigated, I emailed, I tweeted, I Facebooked, I photographed. I did everything with my iPhone by my side. It's sick how dependent I became on it. And when it was suddenly and irreversibly gone, I reacted in pretty much the same way a drug addict in withdraw would. I was twitchy and stabby -- one wrong word could set me off. I was in mourning. I miss the sleek feel of that little flat screen in my hands. I miss it's melodic ring, calling out to me: Someone is contacting you. Someone needs you. Pick me up. Caress me, it said. I play back old memories like home movies. The first time I opened the iPhone 4 box in that beautiful Apple store. Playing Angry Birds while sitting in the passenger seat. Scrolling through text messages. Snapping photos and sending them off to friends and family to amaze them with the incredible resolution. Running my fingers down it's case as it rested in my pocket, just to know it's there. Like an addict's NA token. Gone. GONE. And, because I'm an asshole, I hadn't gotten around to synching all of my new data to my computer. So when I say gone, I mean it.

And that's when the anger took hold. Isn't that one of the 12 steps of grieving? Or is that 12 steps of AA? Whatever. I probably need both. I was fucking angry. I hate winter. If it wasn't for that storm I never would have been so distracted, so careless. If it wasn't for the two feet of snow on the ground I would have noticed immediately if my phone fell from my lap. I would have found it instantly. I would still have it. It would still be mine. JESUS CHRISTOS I HATE WINTER AND I HATE COLD AND I HATE SNOW AND I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO CURL UP IN A BALL AND WATCH AN ENTIRE SEASON OF WEEDS IN ONE SITTING WHILE EATING CHEESE DOODLES AND DROOLING ON MY CHEST.

Now, I need to say that I fully realize what a big fat asshole this makes me sound like. Egypt is in shambles, children are starving, the earth is broken and this chick's talking about an iPhone. I've had some traumatic experiences in my life, and while this doesn't really hold a candle to some real shit, I'm still gonna go ahead and file this one away under my Traumatic Life Experiences folder because it still sucked. It was my Christmas gift from B. It was special. I am saddened. So yeah, it's just a phone. But damn, that one hurt. I'm not even going to think about the financial aspect of losing an iPhone, because that just takes me back to The Bad Place.

ANYWAY. Back to my complaining. Then some other shit happened this week that was annoying but not altogether overbearing, and had it not been for the iPhone debacle I would have let them wash over me like a cool breeze. I lost an earring. I got a parking ticket. I miss my mom. Instead, I've taken everything to heart as a personal attack from the heavens. Someone up there is out to fuck with me. My life is in shambles.

Today, however, I am determined to make a comeback. I am going to reclaim my life! I feel like I have risen from the dead. My sister-in-law swept in yesterday and lent me her old iPhone to hold me over until I'm up for an upgrade. iPhone! She has saved my life. Hallelujah. I am risen. Last night B and I went to the Chromeo concert and danced ourselves into a frenzy. B is a fine good dancer. I love watching that boy move. Dance! Tonight, I'm getting on a plane and flying to Pittsburgh to spend the weekend with three of my closest girlfriends. Girls! I own you, life! You are mine! UNH! I RULE! Now if you'll excuse me I've gotten myself a little worked up. I need to go shotgun a beer and fist pound some people while making grunting yea boi noises.

On a related note, if you're my friend, send me your phone number. Guh.


Becky Mochaface said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Now hurry up and get WWF downloaded so I can giggle every time I see your user name. xxoo

Pepe Le Pew said...

What was it you wrote on my blog? Oh yeah. "F winter. F it in the butt."

That's a direct quote.

LaurMo said...

you know what happens when you joke about 10 and 2? huh bhan-horne?

rory said...

Hey, if it helps I'll send you my crappy flip phone.
Yep, the same shitty phone that Miss Carol laughs and points at every time I try to look cool using.
It's yours.

L said...

I'm pretty sure I've commented before saying this, but holy shit I love your writing. You crack me up.

Just letting you know you have a TOTAL fangirl, because um...well. I love it when I have fans!

(In response to your question about whether comments making your day is sad: the answer is definitely no. Or we're both pathetic together. Whatever.)

CourtneyLyn said...

It is probably too late now, but there is a "find my phone" section on the website. No sure if you have to set it up before hand or not. It comes in handy when i can't find my phone.

tokenblogger said...

Man, I really hope that phone turns up for you.


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