Friday, September 30, 2011

Awkward is as awkward does

As someone who frequently finds herself in awkward situations, every once in a while I wonder why it is that awkward so often befalls me. And yesterday, during one of those soul-searching moments (most often brought on after nights of heavy drinking or pop culture consumption) it occurred to me: Awkward moments happen to me because I do awkward things. Like, all the time.

For the amount of awkward things I do each day, it's simply mind boggling that I don't have reputation shattering incidents every day. I just don't get caught. Mind you, this all occurred to yesterday as I was standing in the middle of my sister-in-law's living room completely naked.

Lou lives around the corner from my office so when I run with my Back on My Feet team at 5:45 in the morning, I usually grab a quick shower at her house before I head to work. My house is about an hour from my office, so my other option is to sit in my own filth all day which I've also done on more than one occasion.

But yesterday was one of those days when I was feeling ambitious. I was going to have a SUPER day. I was going to be productive! I was going to make phone calls! Many phone calls! I was going to answer emails! All of them! People were going to write me checks. Big ones! And I was going to be clean, damn it! I was going to smell all nice and shit! Yeah!

Because Lou understands my sometimes overwhelming desire for clean hair, she made me a copy of her apartment keys so I can come and go as I please. Yesterday I had a great morning run and arrived at Lou's after she has left for work but before her roommate had woken up. So as not to disturb her roommate, I did my thing as quickly and quietly as possible.

By the time I stepped out of the shower though, my legs were starting to feel a little tight. I had just put in a good 9-mile tempo run and neglected any real cool down for my leggies. [Author's note: I'm sorry for calling them leggies. Sometimes I just can't help it. Stuff like that just comes out. It makes me smile because it rhymes with eggies. Which is also funny ... fuck it, it just is, I'm leaving it.]

I stepped into the living room on my way to Lou's bedroom to get dressed when I had the overwhelming urge to do a few quick leg stretches. Obviously doing these in a towel would be cumbersome, so I wrapped the towel around my hair. And as I was standing there in the middle of my sister-in-law's living room, completely naked with a towel turban on my head, touching my toes, with her roommate sleeping just feet behind the bedroom door I was standing next to, it occurred to me, hey, wouldn't it be awkward if she walked out right now? Yes, that would be very fucking awkward. So what did I do? I put my hands on my hips and dropped into a lunge to stretch my calves.

I can make no argument that awkward moments "just" happen to me. I am fully responsible for just about all of them. I cause them. I am fully aware of all the flashing orange caution lights and I proceed anyway. I open my arms and welcome that wave of shame like a fresh summer breeze. I'm as awkward as an accidental boob grab on a daily basis. I have a limited brain-to-mouth filter. I tell child molester jokes to an audience full of parents. I don't pay attention when packing my bags so I leave home all the time without underwear and end up flashing my vagina to entire city buses. I drink too much at weddings and destroy precious family heirlooms. And also sometimes I lick faces. I fart in yoga class. I have more poop stories than I care to think about. I perform naked yoga poses in other people's living rooms. And I do it all with the utmost enthusiasm. Is it too much to put on a damn pair of pants? Yes, sometimes it is.

Sometimes that highly inappropriate joke is a real party pleaser (when you run with my crowd anyway). Sometimes I remember a clean pair of underwear and what a pleasant surprise! (Unfortunately for me, today was not one of those days!) Yes you should have one more beer! Yes I will take that shot of whiskey with you! No I don't want to go home yet! Sometimes you wake up shamed and with a soul-crushing desire for bacon, but sometimes you'll dance until dawn.

And always, always, life is better without pants.


BOSSY said...

Oh, you you you.

Becky Mochaface said...

That's why pants are optional in our house. Life is better without pants.

Wendy said...

Completely agreed. Life is better without pants. Can someone put that on a refrigerator magnet?


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