Thursday, May 3, 2012

Messages I could leave my nurse

When you spend a long stretch of time in the hospital, little pleasantries of life can quickly become the very big things. A nap, a good movie on TV, a visit from friends, permission to suck on some ice, a cup of apple juice, THE ABILITY TO EAT SOLID FOOD, and -- perhaps most of all -- a good nurse. I had a lot of good nurses during my time in the hospital this year, but there was one in particular who was a nursing all-star. She was kind, incredibly considerate, uber attentive, and -- most importantly -- she was totally irreverent and she made me laugh on the daily basis.

Since leaving the hospital, this nurse and I have exchanged phone numbers with the intent of one day grabbing a beer "on the outside" and getting to know each other while I'm not violently vomiting into the bucket she's holding out for me.

B and I are having a little Kentucky Derby slash Cinco de Mayo slash Call It Whatever You Want As Long As There's Day Drinking Involved party at our house on Saturday afternoon and I thought this would be a great opportunity to invite my favorite nurse over for a few margaritas and poop stories. So a few nights ago I gave her a call.

But the one thing that I always neglect to consider before calling someone for the first time is how awkward I am at leaving messages. Naturally, this thought usually occurs to me when it's too late. The phone is ringing. She's probably not going to pick up and then it'll happen again. I'll start to leave a message and I'll get stuck. And then I'll get awkward. And then I'll ramble on for approximately four and a half more minutes than a message should ever be, which is a VERY long time in the world of phone messages. A phone message should be anywhere between five and 30 seconds. When you've been talking to a machine for what is now nearing five minutes and you're currently rambling off facts about your mother and haven't even managed to get to the sole reason for your call in the first place, you have far overstepped the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior. You might as well be pushing a dog in a stroller through a busy shopping mall because, girl, you are awkward and offensive and nobody likes you.

So this time as the phone was ringing, I began to wonder how I should even introduce myself. This woman wasn't expecting a call from me at 7:52 p.m. on a Tuesday night. The last time I saw or spoke to her I had my ass sticking out of a hospital gown and had a tube sucking stomach juice through my nose. What would I even say?

"Hi, this is Bridget ... from the hospital ... the one who wouldn't leave ..."
"Hello, this is Bridget ... of the enema."
"Hi, it's Bridget. Sorry again about puking on your new clogs."
"Hey, this is Bridget. The one who stole all the hospital scrubs."
"Hi, this is Bridget ... your only patient who wasn't alive when the Titanic sunk."
"BLLARRGGHHZZUHN. Recognize that sound? It's me, Bridget ... puking. Bet you miss that retch."
"Hey, it's Bridget. Remember when you offered to shave my legs?"
"Hi, this is Bridget. I eat food now."
"I POOPED TODAY. Oh, it's Bridget."

Naturally, I did use one of the above introductions when leaving my rambling message. I also listed about six different terms for the word "party" and gave a brief history of my driving record before I finally mumbled my invite and ended abruptly with a, "sooooooo ... uh ...bye."

Which is exactly how I'm going to end this post. Sooooo ... uh ... bye.


4 comments:

Becky Mochaface said...

Please tell me you used the "I pooped today" line

Laura said...

Which line?! And did she get back to you?...

Bridget Horne said...

ps ... I pooped today.

Bridget Horne said...

And now she didn't. And I can't for the life of me figure out why.

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