You people have too much time on your hands

UPDATE: I just checked my stats page for the second time today, and it just keeps getting better. The best Google search of the day? "my pants" peed or peeing or pee or wetting or wet. Also there's even more for bit his balls off and I'm really beginning to wonder how frequent of an event that really is because there must be a lot of angry women out there and also ew.

Hello, everyone mom, I'm sorry about all the Yellaphant negligence recently, but I've been very busy spending money time with loved ones and also it's a lot of work being the drunk cousin at all those family holiday parties, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make because if a lifetime of Catholic schooling taught me anything, it's that baby Jesus likes sacrifices, and since it's been Christmas time and all, I figure this will earn me a couple extra bonus points and I might need them after this year's little setting all the presents on fire incident. And then B, who by the way is on vacation while I slave every day to bring home the bacon, is all did you write a new post today? You're totally slipping, because he's an asshole and is probably wearing sweatpants right now.

And since it's the holidays, all the assholes like B who are on vacation obviously have some more time on their hands. And I think if anything proves that, it's the outrageous increase in freaky stuff people have been Googling this week. I know it's a little soon for another lurking post, but this is my favorite week's stat summary yet. I think it will be obvious why these are my favorite of the favorites.

"back and forth" "same poop" - I told you poop was funny.

"i peed my pants"/ peed my pants - Clearly I'm not alone. Just sayin'.

bite his balls off/ biting off his balls - Errrr. Really? Sooo. Ummm. Okay. I'm definitely not a doctor or anything, but I don't think that's so good.

butt clenches - Who doesn't like a nice butt? I'm totally doing butt clenches right now at my desk. I had a lot of cookies this week.

peed my pants site - I don't know if there is such a site, but awesome. There should be.

what is it like having a dog? - Having a dog is the best thing ever. Except when he acts like a huge dickhead. And when he humps everything that moves even though he was supposedly neutered and you really think that your vet was on the back nine when he was supposed to be removing your dog's balls and I really should have asked for proof or something. Also it's really funny when people actually type questions into Google as if there's some dude named Google sitting out in the internets who's going to personally answer all of your questions like a magic 8 ball or something. Even though it would be pretty awesome if Google did answer all your questions for real, and just to be sure I just Googled when will i win the lottery? but it only gave me 2 million pages on how to win the lottery, which I'll now spend the rest of the day reading.

the only gift i want on a Christmas is you - That's sweet. And a little creepy. Buy my crap.

italian mothers bossy - I've never had an Italian mother, but I've heard this is true. My mom is Irish, and when I was a teenager, she was totally bossy too and was always trying to ruin my life and stuff, you know what I mean?

P.S. I didn't really set the Christmas presents on fire this year. I just thought it would be funny if you thought I did because that's probably something the drunk cousin would do. And it was funny. Maybe next year I'll actually do it. I'll take pictures. But they'll only be B's presents because he'll probably be on vacation again and I get a little testy when people are allowed to be in sweatpants and watch movies all day and I'm not.

P.P.S. Maybe I'll just set all of B's clothes on fire because then he definitely won't be in sweatpants when I'm not and it would be a shame if I spent all this money on really great gifts for him and then set them on fire. And this way, he'll be naked, which I'm totally okay with.

P.P.P.S. Yellaphant does not actually condone setting things on fire. Just bury them in the backyard. Tweet