I've always loved the water, but I've never been on a swim team or anything. I can certainly hold
When I was a lifeguard I used to give little kids swim lessons because of two words: big tips. Parents totally pay up when you're teaching their children stuff that could save their lives or make them the next Michael Phelps or something. And when you're in high school, a $10 tip is so bank. But teaching little kids to blow bubbles and kick their legs doesn't mean I'm on the swim team and if the parents tipped me extra because they thought I was, then who am I to correct? And if anyone asked, I was always totally truthful.
Mrs. mom: So are you on the swim team at school?
Me: Bitch, I'm the MVP.
I've always been more of a runner. But this winter, since I've decided not to spend extra money on a gym membership and hello Bossy's Daily Poverty Party, this totally counts, my mom and I have spent a fraction of a fraction of the cost of a gym membership and joined the pool at the public high school near her house otherwise known as Tina Fey's alma mater, where we have pledged to swim laps every week and walk around the halls pretending to be awkward teenage Tina Fey until we are politely yet sternly asked to leave the premises and marry me, Tina Fey?
Because while B gets his winter exercise by playing paddle tennis and wtf is paddle tennis, I get my winter exercise by complaining about how it's so cold and so dark and oh I should have run tonight but I think it's raining and are you gonna eat that? So this year I will keep my motivation high by bringing diversity to my workout routine in the form of
Last night was our first night in the pool and we
But after we finished I could barely walk and I was seriously craving a burrito so I guess I accomplished the whole exercise thing. And I just thought of a great new way to stay tough in the pool. Whenever my muscles are burning and I'm swallowing water and I think my eyes might be rolling into the back of my head, I'm just going to think about how this is way better than being someone's prison sex slave after having been purchased for thee packs of cigarettes and some prison wine and if I was, I'd have to be really fast and strong so I could stab them in the neck with my shank so I should just be thankful. You can also apply this motivational scenario to running, working, and household chores. And when my friend Conor showed me this book review from Amazon.com, it made us really thankful that we could read. Tweet