Tuesday, January 13, 2009

On living with squirrels

There are squirrels living in my apartment. They live in that little space in between my ceiling and the upstairs apartment's floor. And every night, between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m., they go INSANE. They run the entire length of the apartment and throw boulders and knock into walls and play vulgar rap music and launch missiles and hide their stupid nuts in my ceiling with their stupid claw hands that scratch the wood FOR HOURS. And they are so loud every night I wake up because I think the dog is frantically running around the apartment and bumping into things. But it's not the dog. It's the SQUIRRELS.

And remember when we had mice FOR MONTHS? This isn't as gross, but it is definitely way LOUDER and what is with our apartment and vermin I swear to blog I clean like someone with OCD. And squirrels are kind of gross too because when you shave them they look like rats. And right now there's a dead squirrel that I pass every day on my walk to work and over the past three weeks it's lost all of its hair and is now flatter than a pancake and EW THOSE THINGS ARE LIVING IN MY CEILING.

And last night when they woke me up I was like fuuuuuudddggeee because when things wake me up very suddenly like that I wake up all startled and a little frantic and I have to get my bearings for a second and B went to put his hand on my head only only I thought he was going to smother me with a pillow because we had just watched The Shining before we went to bed and you should never watch The Shining when you have squirrels living in your ceiling because you will probably think your fiance is trying to kill you.

And then I went back to sleep and had a horrible dream about male prostitutes. Living with squirrels is not easy.

P.S. Dear squirrels, Do not feck with me. I swear if you wake me up one more time I am going to burn the whole place down. Don't believe me? Ask the mice. And the Christmas presents.

P.P.S. Dear B, If you come home from work and see smoke coming from our windows, don't worry, it's just me burning down the apartment. I'll make it look like an accident. We'll use the insurance money to pay for our wedding. It'll all work out.

P.P.P.S. Dear Mom and Dad, We're moving in for a while. And we're bringing the dog.


Jen A. Miller said...

I used to live on the second floor of a house. So did raccoons. The first time I heard them, I thought a person was walking on my roof.

Mean mo fos.

Amanda said...

That is no good. No good, very bad.

Crabby McSlacker said...

Hilarious--but that would drive me absolutely nuts!

So I'm guessing you're going to have some decidedly weird google traffic, what with dead squirrels and male prostitutes in the same post.

Nooter said...

the only good squirrel is a dead squirrel i say. or a very comatose squirrel with no relatives coming to visit and argue over the estate of said sick squirrel.

iconjohn said...

All fall I watched a squirrel run up the side of my next doors neighbors house and climb into a hole in her bay window. Mentioned it to her but she did nothing. Better her house than mine.

jackie said...

my favorite part by far...

"They run the entire length of the apartment and throw boulders and knock into walls and play vulgar rap music and launch missiles..." HAHA!

i kind of know the feeling. i think there are mice living in my walls. one morning on the weekend i heard them scratching extra loud, so much so that i thought they were going to scratch through the wall. i immediately pictured that scene from sex and the city when carrie woke up with the mouse in her bed in her HAIR....and promptly got up and started my day.


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