I know I put that CD on the dining room table. I took it out of my bag and I put it there. I know I left my red shirt hanging on my dryer rack. I did not hang it in my closet. I did not fold it into my drawer. I know I put my brown sneakers in my closet. I placed them carefully in my shoe rack. I saw them hanging there for weeks. These things are missing. MISSING. I didn't lose them because I know exactly where I left them but now they are gone. GONE. And at first I was all B, where's my stuff? And he's like I don't know what you're talking about. And when people say that it usually makes me suspicious because whenever someone says that on Law & Order, they know EXACTLY what the other person is talking about and they're probably running a child pornography ring out of their home office, but I just can't figure out what B would want to do with a red tank top or a women's size 6.5 shoes and also maybe I've been watching too much Law & Order recently.
Here's the thing: I live in a small apartment. There's not many places missing things could hide. I have torn the place apart. I have emptied drawers, turned closets upside down, and crawled around on my hands and knees for weeks. And all I wanna do is listen to some Ben Folds in incredibly cute yet surprisingly comfortable shoes. My life is in shambles.
There's really only one explanation. Ninjas, obvi. First it was mice. Then it was squirrels. Now my apartment is infested with ninjas. I must admit though, compared to the rodents, the ninjas are definitely much quieter and also they don't poop in the kitchen, so I guess besides the stealing shit part, I really can't complain all that much.
And now B's all uhhh is it possible that you just lost these things? And I'm all YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME I WANT A DIVORCE and he's like we're not married yet, dude and I'm like good thing because I kinda have a thing for ninja number three and he's all wait, have you been ambushing old ladies as they walk out of CVS and stealing their medication again? and that's when I plead the Fifth.