Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How to not poison yourself on Earth Day

Since it's Earth Day and all I've been looking up some cheap and easy ways to use the stuff I already have lying around my apartment to help me be more green. I think I do a pretty good job as it already is -- I don't own a car; I walk to work; I never leave electronics, toasters, or cell phone chargers plugged in; I try to use as little water as possible when washing dishes; I don't turn many lamps on; blah blah blah -- but I'm sure I could be doing a lot more just by making little adjustments.

Lora at Jakezilla always has a lot of cheapie little ways to re-use the things you have to make even better things that maybe you want, just like she has in today's Earth Day post. But then I got distracted when I read that MY DAILY MOISTURIZING ROUTINE IS SLOWLY KILLING ME and HOW THE FECK DID I NOT KNOW THAT PERTROLEUM OIL IS MADE OUT OF PETROLEUM? Really, I never put that together? Am I retarded? I mean, I might as well be BATHING in fossil fuels. I use my Vaseline for EVERYTHING. Chapped lips, eye makeup remover, skin healer. And I slather my legs in baby oil every day after I shave because the name BABY OIL on the label with the cute little picture of a BABY made me think that it was safe for BABIES.

Turns out "mineral oil is a clear, liquid oil with no scent and will not spoil" and also by the way it's FECKING POISON. So it looks like I can stop wasting my time Googling ways to make homemade poison for the day that I snap and kill everyone in my office because I already have it. In fact, I JUST RUBBED IT ALL OVER MY BODY. I feel so betrayed. Happy Earth Day. Unplug your cell phone chargers, assholes.

8 comments:

hippo brigade said...

okay, so A) I just unplugged my cell phone charger, and B) I learned in cosmetology school that mineral oil pools in under your eye skin, and when women have plastic surgery to fix their droopy eye skin, all the mineral oil pours out, becaues it never gets absorbed into the skin. How gross is that? It just hangs out and sloshes around underneith your eyes. Oh sick, please excuse me while I barf.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Hahahaha ewwwwwwwwwwwww

I'm guilty of leaving my cell phone charger plugged in. It's like composting-- I know that you're supposed to do it, but I don't get why. I'll look it up.

But I'm with you on the car-free, canvas tote, organic-food, all-natural-cleanser thing. Happy Earth Day!

Amanda said...

Please, tell me about it. I put Vaseline on my daughter's cheeks every night because they are so dry all the time. I'm killing her, apparently! So much for that Mother of the Year Award I was hoping for.

Sarah said...

Have you ever checked out the cosmetic safety database? That will scare you into looking for paraben-free products to slather all over yourself. (It's also quite helpful and interesting)

rory said...

I celebrated Earth Day by running my 1983 Suburban all day.
I love the smell of exhaust in the morning.

Lora said...

until a couple years ago, I never put together that Petroleum Jelly, was like, Jelly. Made out of EFFING PETROLEUM!!!
Gross right? I do use the Vaseline that I have lying around the house to wipe off eye makeup if I've been heavy on the application, because I figure I may as well use it and never buy it again since it lasts forever I don't have to worry about spoilage but after seeing that mineral oil pours out of people's eyes, never again.

I'm just tossing it and maybe using gasoline to take the mascara off. Or maybe stop putting on eye makeup like a trollopy painted lady.

I missed you last night. We have to get together somehow somewhere.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Guys, I used jojoba oil to take off eye make-up! You can buy it any place that sells "natural" cosmetics/toiletries (like Whole Foods).

Bridget said...

I am totally going shopping for jojoba oil!

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