Thursday, May 21, 2009

A collection of thoughts that don't make sense

I have all of these random thoughts sitting in draft and taking up all this space in this blog, so I figured I had better get a few of the at least the half-baked ones up. I'm using half-baked as a good thing here, and if you know me in real life, I'm sure you understand that it is a huge accomplishment for any of my thoughts or decisions to be well-thought out, which might or might not be the reason for the unfolding of many of the stories here on the blog. So if something is half-baked, it's at least half way there to a reasonable, cognizant thought. Maybe it's even been considered for more than .8 seconds. Which says a lot. For me.

Anyway. I'm going to just throw all these little thoughts together. Like, is there a word for blogging about twittering? Because I'm totally going there. I'm about to blitter.

1. The other day I was eating lunch on my front stoop so Rooney could enjoy some sunshine before I had to go back to work. I wasn't paying all that much attention to him because I was reading this really interesting New Yorker article about lazy peacocks and sex with good looking people or something like that, and when I went to pick up my glass of milk, Rooney's entire snout was in my cup, lapping up the milk. Now, if I wanted to get a new glass, I would have had to go all the way upstairs and blah blah blah. And really, I just couldn't handle that at the moment, so I drank it anyway. And then I found it kind of funny that Rooney and I were totally splitting a glass of milk but no one was there to laugh with me, so when I got back to work, I twittered that shiz. And I was all "Fact: caught Rooney licking from my glass when I wasn't looking. Totally kept drinking from it anyway" and then I giggled because oh man, can't wait to see what mah tweeps think of this one.

And @holaolah was all You're officially ready to make the leap to motherhood! which kind of made me nervous. Does that mean that because I'm too lazy to get myself a new glass of milk, when I have a baby, I'll inevitably be picking through it's vomit to see if there's anything edible because I don't feel like getting up off the couch and I'm hungry? This is a distinct possibility.

And then @bsweichsel was like His mouth is cleaner then yours anyway. He was doing you a favor. But then I had to remind @bsweichsel that Rooney licks his butt. So I kind of licked his butt now too. Which, let me tell you, stinks. And also did you know that you're supposed to get your dog's anal glands expressed? Because before recently, I had never even heard the words express anal glands all used in the same sentence in my life. And now I'm really hung up on it. It's also my new favorite threat for B. So help me gah, if you don't pick up every last dirty sock in this apartment I am going to come over there and express your anal glands. B is less enthusiastic about this discovery.

So then I sent a message to my friend Monica that was all "I will pay you $10 to come over and express my dog's anal glands" and she's all "totally," which I think says a lot about our friendship.

2. The other day I had to get another suspicious skin mark removed from my body. I go to the dermatologist twice a year every year because skin cancer runs in my family. So even though my favorite place in the world is in a chair on the beach, I'm always sure to lather on the lotion and pay my doctor a visit every so often. I've had cancer before and once is enough for me.

So this time, my doctor found something suspicious on my neck, which is not alarming, because she usually finds a new suspicious mole every time I go, and so far, everything has been benign. And this one was too. But it is another scar on my body, and this one in a more obvious place.

The first time I had a mole removed, it was on my left butt cheek, which is hilarious because when I showed all of my friends, I told them B put a cigarette out on my butt. The second scar is on my arm, which only became obvious to people at a formal company dinner when I was wearing a strapless dress. It had only been a week or so after the biopsy, so I still had my scar treatment patch on. Everyone assumed it was either a birth control patch (they have those?) or a nicotine patch (I've never smoked a day in my life).

Right now, I'm wearing the patch on my neck. And I keep waiting for someone to ask me what it is so I can tell them someone at the office went postal and stabbed me in the neck with a pen before jumping out the window, but at least I saved the life of Suzie the intern.

3. I know this video has been all over the Web for weeks now, but have you seen it? Because it's INSANE. I don't even have anything to say about it. Except wow.

4. I just got really upset because I thought I accidentally deleted this entire post. I didn't. But we'd all probably be better off if I did.


Deidre said...

Um, I had not seen that video. And wow. I'm not sure I got the message. So, white people...and black people can like Red house? wow.

delicatecondition said...

I read that New Yorker article too. Pretty interesting, but then, they ALL are. Ok. Not all of them. Not really the theater ones, or the ones written by Sasha Frere Jones, who, for some reason, I can't stand.

I am definitely into your blog. It's great.

CheyneCuts&Collects said...

you should know the entire time that video was playing, there was an ad across the bottom that read "animal anal gland remedy"

kj said...

that video--- jaw dropped.

Suzanne said...

i'm so glad i have a cat - no anal glands in need of expressing! (although lots of petrified pee and poop to scoop, plus vomit and hairballs to clean up... not sure what's worse now that i think of it)

i'm totally going to start wearing a patch on my neck just so i can make up random reasons for it when people ask. (nosy buggers)

Anonymous said...

haha, i have never heard of a dog needing its anal glands expressed. what does that even mean? do i want to know?

love this post


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