Monday, August 17, 2009

Bitch sesh: Bank of America is the Anti-Christ, pretty much

A few weeks ago I was doing my weekly financial check on my bank accounts, credit card account, and gah have mercy student loans, when I discovered that something had happened to my measly Bank of America Savings account. It was gone.

A a college student, I only needed a minimum of $30 in my savings account to keep it open. So, feeling particularly save-y at the time, I threw in $75 or so. Deal done. And it stayed there for four years. Never touching, never being touched, just like my sexual harassment counselor's dream pupil. But suddenly last week, that $75 turned into $11. I clicked through for details and it turns out, all of that money had been taken out for a "monthly maintenance fee." Esqueeze me?

So I called up Bank of America and was all woah woah WOAH, where did my money go and what type of MAINTENANCE are you doing on an account that doesn't get used? And they tried to tell me that I had overdrawn in that account, so they charged me for maintenance, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE and why are you charging me money IF YOU JUST SAID I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OF IT.

No, I insisted, I had not overdrawn because I haven't touched that account IN FOUR YEARS. Turns out, last month, they SWITCHED MY ACCOUNT WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME and took out all the money all at once and NOT over a six month period like they claimed to have done because don't you think someone who obsessively checks her banking statements (as people with no money tend to do) would notice that my savings account is suddenly significantly shrinking?

First of all, okay yeah maybe I should have called up the bank after I graduated two years ago and been all, okay people, I'm not a student anymore, so go right ahead and jack up my fees and shit, but I didn't. Because I'm a dirty liar and I've been known to shove small children. And because you know what's broker than a kid in college? A kid who just graduated from college.

Yes, I admit I was partially in the wrong here, but they never asked, so I never told. But what was worse than my little omission of truth was the fact that Bank of America changed my account to an account that was not of my choosing without telling me, and then subsequently charged me for being below the minimum of that new account without telling me. Very sly, Bank of America. Sly like an asshole.

So I switched to an account that was more aligned to my lifestyle of not having any money, and asked if it was possible for me to be reimbursed for that $60 that was taken from my account. And oh my gah are we still talking about accounts?

THAT would not be possible because the bank doesn't give you money back unless the bank is in the wrong. But, I injected, wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not tell me my time with the college student account was up? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not tell me that they would be switching my account? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not let me choose which account would best fit my current financial situation so I could AVOID being slammed with fees? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to drown those kittens and punch your grandmother?

No, apparently, it was not. And then my BOA representative was all "I AM THE DARK PRINCE WELCOME TO HELL, MOTHERFECKER" which is pretty much an exact quote. Or maybe it was something like "thank you ma'am have a pleasant day," but it's all interpretive.

And now I've got to think of some way to make a quick $60 and prostitution is not an option, Falko, we all know what happened last time I tried that. It's not that I mind spending money on things that I need, like booze or clothes or booze or shoes or even booze, but I can't stand the thought of that $60 going to nothing. And anyway, shouldn't there be some recession clause that says banks can't be total dicks?

I currently have $4.27 in my checking account. Does it LOOK like I can afford to be jacked $60? After this, I can't even afford to buy a new tube of TOOTHPASTE which has not been going over well in the office, and those industrial size rolls of toilet paper that I've been looting borrowing from the cleaning lady's closet are really not fitting in well with my bathroom decor.

So basically, when I get fired for stealing toilet paper from the office and sexually harassing the CEO and stabbing a co-worker and carving dirty words onto the conference room table, it's entirely Bank of America's fault. And just THINKING about that $60 makes me feel a little stabby, so just watch your backs.

UPDATE: I just posted the link to this blog post on Facebook and the words that came up in that little image identification box were "Saltines $4.50" AND I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU. I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD BUY SALTINES FROM FACEBOOK. AND THEY ARE MOCKING ME FOR IT.


Falko said...

If you were really clever, you could have convinced them that you are still a student.

On another note, I agree with you. Stank of America sucks 1000 cocks. (A little less than you would prowling the streets of Philly)

La La said...

Do not think you are the only person this happened to. Think about the thousands of other people they did it to. Then go back up there and raise hell until you either get to talk to the God Banker or the police show up. If you get the big guy first, you raise enough hell with enough people around, they will eventually give in. But if you get arrested... what's a night in jail, eh? And think of the blog post you could write!

RuthWells said...

Raise hell. Seriously. Call back and demand to speak with a supervisor. This is criminal! Fuckers. (Yes, I'm having a Monday, why do you ask?)

Melanie said...

You should call back and ask to speak to higher ups until you get your $ back. They can do it... it will just take time. I spent 2 hours on the phone once arguing over a $25 fee... totally got it removed!

Skippy said...

I bet you can get that back...bring out your inner jew.

mic said...

threaten to switch banks...that usually gets fees removed pretty quickly.

Ed said...

Just wanted to chime in with my disgust for BoA. I called them a few months ago because I got a letter essentially threatening the same thing (I guess you have a 2 year grace period after college?) and cancelled my account despite customer service promising that there's no way I would get charged fees. Sorry to see that they were lying.

Anonymous said...

Bastards! I read an article the other day about how banking fees such as overdraft, account, etc. made banks millions of dollars last year. Millions! I was outraged. Especially because every time I ask Chase if they could please reimburse me for one of those fees, I always get a no. Greedy, greedy.

Lora said...

that happened to me with PNC once. It sucks. I never got my money back but they didn't charge me the fee to close my account either.

The Women's Colony said...

Bastards indeed. Man, they chose a great time to shit all over someone with no money. Hope you get it sorted out!

Urban Cowgirl @ The Women's Colony

Jess said...

They started taking 4 bucks out of my account every month while I was only a soph. in college and when I found out they gave me all of it back plus the interest i missed out on plus they extended my student account to 2012 even though I graduated in 2009. Maybe they just don't like you.


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