A a college student, I only needed a minimum of $30 in my savings account to keep it open. So, feeling particularly save-y at the time, I threw in $75 or so. Deal done. And it stayed there for four years. Never touching, never being touched, just like my sexual harassment counselor's dream pupil. But suddenly last week, that $75 turned into $11. I clicked through for details and it turns out, all of that money had been taken out for a "monthly maintenance fee." Esqueeze me?
So I called up Bank of America and was all woah woah WOAH, where did my money go and what type of MAINTENANCE are you doing on an account that doesn't get used? And they tried to tell me that I had overdrawn in that account, so they charged me for maintenance, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE and why are you charging me money IF YOU JUST SAID I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OF IT.
No, I insisted, I had not overdrawn because I haven't touched that account IN FOUR YEARS. Turns out, last month, they SWITCHED MY ACCOUNT WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME and took out all the money all at once and NOT over a six month period like they claimed to have done because don't you think someone who obsessively checks her banking statements (as people with no money tend to do) would notice that my savings account is suddenly significantly shrinking?
First of all, okay yeah maybe I should have called up the bank after I graduated two years ago and been all, okay people, I'm not a student anymore, so go right ahead and jack up my fees and shit, but I didn't. Because I'm a dirty liar and I've been known to shove small children. And because you know what's broker than a kid in college? A kid who just graduated from college.
Yes, I admit I was partially in the wrong here, but they never asked, so I never told. But what was worse than my little omission of truth was the fact that Bank of America changed my account to an account that was not of my choosing without telling me, and then subsequently charged me for being below the minimum of that new account without telling me. Very sly, Bank of America. Sly like an asshole.
So I switched to an account that was more aligned to my lifestyle of not having any money, and asked if it was possible for me to be reimbursed for that $60 that was taken from my account. And oh my gah are we still talking about accounts?
THAT would not be possible because the bank doesn't give you money back unless the bank is in the wrong. But, I injected, wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not tell me my time with the college student account was up? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not tell me that they would be switching my account? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to not let me choose which account would best fit my current financial situation so I could AVOID being slammed with fees? Wasn't it WRONG of the bank to drown those kittens and punch your grandmother?
No, apparently, it was not. And then my BOA representative was all "I AM THE DARK PRINCE WELCOME TO HELL, MOTHERFECKER" which is pretty much an exact quote. Or maybe it was something like "thank you ma'am have a pleasant day," but it's all interpretive.
And now I've got to think of some way to make a quick $60 and prostitution is not an option, Falko, we all know what happened last time I tried that. It's not that I mind spending money on things that I need, like booze or clothes or booze or shoes or even booze, but I can't stand the thought of that $60 going to nothing. And anyway, shouldn't there be some recession clause that says banks can't be total dicks?
I currently have $4.27 in my checking account. Does it LOOK like I can afford to be jacked $60? After this, I can't even afford to buy a new tube of TOOTHPASTE which has not been going over well in the office, and those industrial size rolls of toilet paper that I've been
So basically, when I get fired for stealing toilet paper from the office
UPDATE: I just posted the link to this blog post on Facebook and the words that came up in that little image identification box were "Saltines $4.50" AND I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU. I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD BUY SALTINES FROM FACEBOOK. AND THEY ARE MOCKING ME FOR IT.Tweet