SIKE! Put your pitchforks down, Jersey. You know I love you. My favorite place in the world is the Jersey Shore. Back when I lived in the Illadelph, I would spend every weekend of every summer there. I still go there on vacation. It's beautiful, family friendly, and an amazing place to spend a few weeks playing Pro Kadima on the beach during the day and relaxing with your entire family on the front porch at night after family dinner.
So when Jersey Shore came out laying claim that THIS is what the Jersey Shore was like, I was a little peeved when I had to spend the six months on damage control up here in Massachusetts explaining that NO not everyone in New Jersey fist pumps and NO not everyone in New Jersey poofs their hair and NO not everyone in New Jersey lives by the GTL credo. That's just Seaside Heights. I don't even consider Seaside Heights a true extension of the Jersey Shore. It's more like Staten Island with a tan.
So when the first season of Jersey Shore hit the air, I somehow managed to avoid every episode of the show for the entire season. That's right. I didn't watch a single minute. Anything I knew about Snooki or the Situation I learned from SNL spoofs and the evening news. I saw the pictures, I heard the phrases, and THAT was all I wanted to have to do with THAT, thankyouverymuch.
But then one cold winter night MTV decided to air the entire first season of Jersey Shore. And it just so happened that I was at a party that decided that THIS would set the perfect party tone to have on in the background for the entire night. Needless to say, we all drank ourselves stupid to numb the pain, but somewhere in between that first game of flip cup and the last drop of Borovicka, I managed to take in a little bit of season one of the Jersey Shore via drunk osmosis. My opinion hadn't wavered, but my curiosity was piqued.
So when Jersey Shore Season 2: Miami hit the airwaves, I decided to to sit my butt down on the couch and watch a single episode in it's entirety. For research, of course. This was no longer New Jersey. This was just a bunch of drunk New Yorkers released into the wild in the only part of Florida that isn't populated by blue-haired retirees and toothless alligator wrestlers. This was totally fair game. And you know what? It was amazing.
After one episode, I couldn't get enough. Snooki and J-Woww driving down the coast? The Situation and Paulie D getting stuck in the mud? Angelina comes back? I don't even know who Angelina IS but it's all just too good. I had to watch the second episode, then the third, and the fourth, until I finally had to admit to myself that I, Bridget Horne, was a Jersey Shore viewer. And you know what? I loved it.
Now, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take this one step further. Not only do I now consider curling up on the couch with a goblet of wine and some Jersey Shore on the tube one of life's great pleasures, but I think that if I had the opportunity to spend one night with this group of people, it would be nothing short of spectacular. Go ahead. JUDGE ME.
And thus I present to you, my case for why I want to hang out with the cast of the Jersey Shore:
1) The Situation is fucking hilarious. Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino is one of the single most ridiculous people I have ever observed in my life. The only thing he loves more than himself is his mother's meatballs, but he's actually not a bad guy. His morals may occasionally be questionable, but who am I to judge anyone on their morals? I'm kind of an asshole. Plus, without a doubt, the Situation is the funniest person in this cast. He has more one-liners than a stand-up comedy act. You can pretty much count on the Situation to drop a perfectly timed zinger into every episode. Some of my favorites, thus far:
"You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA."
"Ronnie doesn't want to give up his cookie, and that's Sam. You need to give up your cookie, son, so you can go find another one. I'm eatin' chocolate chip cookies every night, dawg."
"Ronnie is feeding steaming ALPO to Sam, on a plate, 'cause he's doggin' her so much."
"JWOWW ... I've seen her working out, doing combos at the gym ... and I've gotten a little taste of a smack myself. I have an idea of what Angelina's about to go through and it's like Rocky vs. Apollo. Rocky doesn't have a chance right now."
"Ron is at the club hooking up with grenades, which is a bigger ugly chick, and land mines, which is a thinner ugly chick, and loving life."
And I am loving life whenever words are streaming from your mouth, Situation.
2) The Jersey Shore loves family dinner. They might go out to the clerb, get black out drunk on vodka drinks, and have group make out sessions in the herpes-infested hot tub on a near-nightly basis, but they totally value that act of making a delicious dinner from scratch, gathering the troops, and all sitting down for a nice, hot meal while they discuss their emotions. And best of all? The boys are the ones who cook. There may be some more hair gel than you and I are used to in that spaghetti sauce, but it was made with love. And if there's one thing I relate to besides blacking out on vodka drinks, it's food and emotions.
3) I think if put in a situation that included lots of alcohol and Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, the night would end with our arms around each other, gigantic fuzzy slippers on our feet, leftover cold chicken in our laps, and giggles on the beanbag chair while I touch her poof in inappropriate ways. When Snooki's on the screen, I know I'm going to be entertained. Because the only other cast member with one-liners more ridiculous than the Situation's is Snooki. When Snooki knocked over the chicken that the Situation had lovingly prepared for family dinner and this is what ran through her mind, I TOTALLY understood:
"My first thought was: I don't wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just f*%ked up dinner. My third thought was: What the f*%k am I gonna eat?!"
Being as my life revolves around what the fuck I am going to eat, I get it. We're related. I love her. That is all.
3) Dramz, dramz, dramz. If there's one thing I'm surprisingly not bad at, it's dealing with drama ... that I didn't create. My porno/pro wrestling name would totally be the Peace Keeper. And if I can't deal with the dramz, I can at least laugh at it. Ronnie's cheating on Sammie? No note-writing necessary. Let's be big girls instead of dragging the did he cheat/didn't he cheat/should we tell her/shouldn't we tell her story line out for two episodes too many. Angelina's crazy? Let's all be up front about it. Cat fight in the kitchen? Eh ... let's let that one work itself out.
Pauly D, Vinnie, J-Woww, J-Woww's boobs. They all entertain me. And when you actually sit down to watch them for a bit, you realize how harmless they actually are. The only two I can't stomach are Ronnie and Sammie because a. Ronnie's obviously a coke head and b. Sammi's just a moron. The only obvious problem I can come up with in this "situation" (get it?!) is the whole clerb thing. On the rare occasions I have found myself inside a night club, I've felt more out of place than a priest in a sex shop. But what do I do whenever I feel out of place? I do what any red-blooded American would do: drink away the awkwardness and ultimately make myself more awkward! Because for me, drinking "away" the awkwardness always ends in one of three ways:
a. Everyone gets drunk together and has a great time.
b. In an attempt to break into a conversation with people I don't know entirely well and feel accepted, I say something that sounds funny in my head but comes out entirely inappropriate and/or racist.
c. I try to dance.
While the Jersey Shore cast is all about pumping fists and grinding hips all night, my dance skills are more on par with a seizure victim. So there's that.
So here's the next A+ concept for the next season of Jersey Shore: Drop a fair-skinned gal of Irish heritage who loves listening to jam bands and smoking pot into the Jersey Shore house and see what happens. Would the Irish girl walk away with giant, pink hoop earrings? Would the guidettes learn to take a chill pill? Would everyone get wasted and hug it out? One can only imagine ...Tweet