Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Being responsible sometimes leads to cancer

Oh, Earl. Earl, Earl, Earl, Earl. I am happy to say that Earl is a big fat ninny because Earl did not affect my weekend in the least. In fact, it was the best beach weekend I've had in about a month. GLORIOUS. JUST GLORIOUS. And even though I look at Labor Day the same way a devout priest looks at a hooker (with great sadness, some general disgust and a hint of self-pity), this weekend was amazing. Mostly because it contained pretty much all of my favorite things: friends, drinking games, Disney songs, beach time, and a giant moon bounce slip n' slide. And I ask you, what else does a girl need in life?

So as depressed and anxiety-ridden as I am to see summer slip away like warm beach sand between my fingers, I must say that I feel pretty good about the way I handled this summer. I took full advantage of everything it had to offer and it took full advantage of me. And here we stand, waving goodbye to each other like two lovers who spent the past three months using and abusing the shit out of each other but having one hell of a time in the process. I'm bruised, battered, and in serious need of a dry-out, but BOY did I have some SERIOUS fun. This autumn, I resolve to make at least 15% less irresponsible life decisions. Or something like that.

And as part of my new, responsible, adult-like behavior, yesterday I went to the lady doctor for my annual visit. And now all the males who read this are groaning and clicking the "unfollow" button and shielding their eyes because I'm bringing that topic back. The LADY DOCTOR topic. Playas please, it's not like I'm about to tell you a story about period blood or malfunctioning tampons. I just want to tell a little story about cold vagina clamps and pap smears. Grow up. God.

So I may have mentioned on this here blerg how I've had a couple "incidents" at the homestead. And by "incident" I mean I've 100% convinced myself that I'm pregnant and that the baby is going to be "developmentally challenged" because I've just spent the past weekend every weekend ripping shots of Borovicka and drinking beers like I belong in Animal House. And I don't mean the movie. I mean a fucking zoo.

So I was eager to discuss some related questions, among others, with my lady doctor. Since I'm a new patient, I had to go through all the typical new patient questions when I first got to the exam room.

Nurse: Are you on any medications?

Me: Nope, just the BC.

Nurse: No anxiety medication?

Me: Um... no. No anxiety medication.

Nurse: Are you sure?

Me: Do I look like I need anxiety medication?

Nurse: Next question.

This first little interaction got me a little paranoid because seriously, do I look like I need anxiety medication? Was she so incredulous because I act like a spaz in public and could probably use some anxiety medication so I stop grinding my teeth over things like the end of summer? Or because every other patient in the office is on anxiety medication and it was rare to find someone who wasn't? And if that's the case, then am I missing out? Because I hate to be tardy to the party.

If things get awkward with the nurse before the actual gynecological exam even begins, you know you haven't exactly set yourself up for the best visit.

Because I'm an awkward person and I don't like silence while someone fondles my bubs, I always feel the need to talk to the doctor during the breast exam. On the scale of Things That Are Awkward About the Gynecologist, the breast exam should be pretty mild. I mean, you've still got the pap smear to look forward to! Not when your name is Bridget Horne. Because while I grasped for something -- anything -- to talk to the doctor about, my brain decides this is an appropriate time to bring up your favorite show and mine, I Didn't Know I was Pregnant.

"I mean, I really don't mind when I don't get my period but good lord I DO NOT want to end up on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Have you ever seen that show? Are some of those stories even medically accurate? Because REALLY? You thought you had food poisoning and then you pooped out a baby? REALLY?" Apparently lady doctors don't really like the term "pooped out a baby." So there's that.

And then, to top off my Lady Doctor Visit of All Visits, THIS conversation took place while discussing my medical history:

Doctor: So you had cancer when you were seven? That's very young. Can you tell me more about the tumor?

Me: Well it was in my abdomen, which actually brings up my next question. Naturally, I've had a lot of X-Rays over the years of my abdominal region which, as you know, is very close to my lady bits -

Doctor: Yes, that is close to your reproductive organs.

Me: Eh. Yes. Reproductive organs. So not that I'm ready for it right now, because, you know, the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant stuff.

Doctor: Right.

Me: So not that I want to get pregnant right now, but when I do, do you think all that radiation from the X-Rays will present a problem?

Doctor: That's a great question. No, I think you'll be perfectly fine. Luckily, when you undergo CAT Scans and X-Rays like you did, it doesn't centralize the radiation to one area. So your abdomen didn't get any more radiation then the rest of your body. What that means though, is that while that shouldn't have any effect whatsoever when you're trying to get pregnant, you're just a lot more likely to develop thyroid cancer or leukemia later in life.

Me: Oh ... well ... that's ... great ... news? What a ... relief.

Doctor: Yep! See you next year!

So don't worry everyone! When I'm ready, I'll be making babies 'til the cows come home! And when I'm done with that, I'll likely be DEAD. So at least I've got that going for me.


RuthWells said...

The hell?! Maybe you need a new lady doctor.... 'cause that's just not right.

Melanie said...

I'm thinking maybe they have a contract with the anxiety meds company.

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...

I just laughed so hard, I think I pooped out a baby.

Becky Mochaface said...

I just went to my lady doctor this morning and before she stuck her hand up my lady bits, we had the "we might be thinking about babies sometime in the near but not too near future" and what all that means in terms of what tests, shots, whatever I need before even trying to get pregnant. Shots?! I didn't know there would be needles involved. Pushing a kid out my pooper is one thing. Needles are another. We're going to have to rethink this kid thing.

Deidre said...

Well, that's heartwarming to hear from the lady doctor....realllly heartwarming.

And thanks, now I am terrified to go to my doctor. AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

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Fragrant Liar said...

So now you're ready for those anxiety meds, right?

Fragrant Liar said...

So now you're ready for those anxiety meds, right?


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