Friday, April 29, 2011

I think it's called "regressing"

It's no secret that I love going home to Philadelphia to spend some quality time with my city and my family and friends. I can usually be spotted skipping around the city streets, French kissing buildings and park benches, laying my body across my favorite bars, pressing my face against the wet rings of beer and stroking the smooth wood while I purr my apologies for ever leaving. It's also no secret to those who know me in real life that going home can sometimes lead to a few "emotional setbacks" for me. Meaning, after a few good nights in Philly, I have been known, on occasion, to call B to calmly inform him that I will not, in fact, ever be returning to that tiny, cold Massachusetts town WHERE THEY DON'T EVEN PICK UP YOUR GARBAGE. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, YOU MONSTER? P.S. please mail me the dog. Thanks, love ya ... But that's neither here nor there.

And as I've mentioned before, besides all the greatness of simply being home, being home also has some oft overlooked benefits. Like the fact that my parents' keep the kitchen stocked with the expensive cookies that I'm too broke to buy myself. And there's nothing quite like a good cookie binge to really make you feel like a mature adult sleeping in your childhood bedroom in your parents' house, if you know what I mean.

And recently I've discovered a whole new joy of being home: cable TV. Now, I watch very little TV. I usually just don't have the time or the interest. And you already know that as part of our little tightening of the budget belt this year, B and I cancelled cable. This was something we both agreed on, as B wouldn't budge on anything less than name brand toilet paper and gah knows my weekly trips to the liquor store wouldn't be lessening any time soon. We both have our standards. I did, however, agree to drastically decrease the impulsive shoe shopping. For the record, online shopping doesn't count because I only shop the sales. IT TOTALLY DOESN'T COUNT IF IT'S ON SALE! On a related note, I have been doing a lot of frantic rushing home from work to scoop up any packages left at the front door before B gets home. This skirt? New? No, I've had this for ages.


But last weekend, after being home for a few days for Easter, I flipped on the television for a little distraction while I was stretching after a long run. The vastness of channels overwhelmed me. There were hundreds of options where I usually have three. And it was all garbage. Beautiful, mind-numbing garbage. I went straight to the channels I don't have. BRAVO, MTV, National Geographic. My mind was flooded with "Real Housewives" DRAMA! "16 and Pregnant" DRAMA! Lions fighting lions DRAMA! I was mesmerized. I spent a good 20 minutes watching MTV Espanol before I realized no one was speaking English. Who knew Enrique Iglesias was so popular?! And that haircut is really working for him! See, TV can be educational! I feel so worldly now.

I can only imagine what must have run through my mother's mind when she came upstairs and found me lying on my back on the floor in a sports bra, eating cookies and watching MTV. Mind you, this was the afternoon directly after I had called the house at 3 a.m. because I was locked out and all of my girlfriends were sleeping over and could you please come downstairs and let us in? Giggle giggle giggle. I'm sure the real alarm didn't set in though until she found me rooting around my old closest looking for my high school uniform because I wanted to try it on, just for funsies.

My face would cloud whenever Massachusetts was mentioned. "Shhhh ... let's not talk about that. Let's talk about how great my butt looks in this Catholic school kilt." At this point, I don't think my parents would have been surprised if my high school boyfriend pulled up in his bright red two-door and we peeled off into the sunset to go dry hump in a parking lot. EARMUFFS, MOM.

Moving on. On one hand, I cannot even explain my draw to the music channels while at my parents' house. Even when I did have cable, I hadn't purposely turned on MTV for years. Unless of course, B wasn't home and I came across a "True Life" marathon. True Life: I Love True Life. One of the fantastic discoveries I made while drooling onto my chest however, besides the fact that Spanish pop music isn't really that bad, was that the Beastie Boys are back in action. And their new video is just about amazing. I got more and more excited with every new famous face that sprung up in this video. It's like a cornucopia of awesome people! What's more awesome than that? If you can name them all I will reward you with ... $1.37 in loose change that I just found on the bottom of my purse. Can you even IMAGINE the wrap party after this was shot? LEGENDARY.

It's just too good not to share. Now you can enjoy it too. Along with visions of me dancing on top of my bed in my kilt. You wish, turkeys.


Becky Mochaface said...

I think EARMUFFS only work if you say it before you mention dry humping in parking lots. You know for the next post on dry humping.

Chicago Cuisine Critique said...

Too funny. Love this. :)

Deidre said...

I can't stop watching America's Next Top Model when I go back to the US. and also making mac n cheese like a fiend.

Seriously, cheese in Australia is wack.


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