Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I bet you weren't expecting another post about poop

I swear to you this is totally true because not even I could make this up. Well, I probably could, but I wouldn't, because poop is fecking gross. Yeah, this is another post about poop.

So last night I was walking Rooney and as usual he pooped and I don't know where you heathens are from, but in my neighborhood, you pick up your dog's poop. Which I did, with one of those blue plastic bags that the dog poop fairy leaves around the neighborhood. Or, at least, I assume it's the dog poop fairy because who else would leave rolls of plastic bags to pick up your dog's poop? Last I checked, not Santa. Cheap bastard.

So I picked up the poop and tied the bag and was walking down a relatively busy street with shops and restaurants and walkers and all that stuff, and there was a little breeze so my hair kept blowing into my face but every time I pushed it off my cheek, I would get this really strong whiff of poop. And at first I was all whatever it's probably because I'm carrying around a bag full of dog shit.

But then it happened again, even after I threw the poopie bag into a trash can, so I looked down at my hand AND THERE WAS POOP ON MY FINGERS. THE FINGERS THAT I HAD BEEN TOUCHING MY FACE WITH. HOLY SHIT, YA'LL THERE WAS POOP ON MY FACE.

I rubbed my cheek with the back of my hand, but once you've had poop on your face, it doesn't come off so easily. So naturally, I started running home because what if someone I knew saw me with poopie hands and poop on my cheek? And what if I met someone who wanted to shake my hand so then I'd have to decide if I wanted to pretend nothing was wrong and shake their hand and get poop on THEIR hand, or tell them that I can't shake their hand because I have poop on MY hand and then forever be known as the blond chick with poopie hands? AND WHAT ABOUT THE POOP ON MY FACE? GAH.

When I got home I washed my face raw and I still felt poopie. And then later that night when I was telling B the story I was waving around the paint brush I had in my hand for emphasis because POOP, people, deserves a little emphasis. And B was all "you look like fecking Harry Potter waving that wand." And I was all "it's not a wand, it's a paint brush" and he was all "I'm totally using that for Halloween next year to be Harry Potter because it looks just like a wand" and then I got my paint brush all up in his face and was like "THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT HARRY POTTER. THIS STORY IS ABOUT POOP. SHAZAM." And I waved the paintbrush that is not a wand in his face. And then B acted all offended and was like "th'fuck, Bridget, Harry Potter does not say Shazam." He says experion or experiment or expatriate or something like that I don't remember because I'm not a huge dork. And now I'm going to get 500 angry e-mails from everyone who loves Harry Potter and wants to use their tricks* to turn me into a huffelupagus or snuffelupagus or powerpuff girl or whatever. AND I'M SORRY I OFFENDED YOU BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GAH POOP.

SHAZAM.

*Illusions, Michael. Tricks are something whores do for money. Or candy

13 comments:

BillFoxeveryone said...

One, I dont get Harry Potter. Two, I think Poop is your definite Money post, and love the arrested development quote at the end.

Sole Matters said...

LOL poop on your face is DEF. something that is not cool. Soon-to-be-Hubby should have understood.

Deidre said...

Arrested Development is awesome. Poop is not. I read the HP books, but can't be bothered being THAT excited about it any more.

My nephew pooped on my arm once.

Shaylen Maxwell said...

OMG! That's hilarious. Yes, with two very large dogs, this has happened to me a few times. Not the bit about it being on my face, but yeah. The woes of scooping up poo.

And we don't have any magic blue bags around the neighbourhood. We have to bring our own. But we do have to pick it up. LOL!

Hopefully the next walk is cleaner. : )

rory said...

When B snuggles with you does he breathe deeply and say I love the smell of poop in your hair?
I'm guessin' yes.

Diane said...

I heart poop, HP and AD, this post is my fav.

Tara said...

that sounds like Dooce's story about dog pee from yesterday. i want a dog so badly but am afraid, reading stories like these! haha

and love the AD quote! Gob is the best. i play final countdown for every important moment in my life.

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